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Feeling So Scared and Guilty


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Hello everyone

First off, thanks for taking the time to read this.

I'm really struggling with the ocd at the moment. The most I have in years actually.

My main triggers are around responsibility and harming others. Given the current pandemic, having had my first baby 11 weeks ago and just life in general, it's starting to become a real struggle again.

I've been so scared by the news recently, as many have been, and I have no doubt what is happening around the world is terrible. Since finding out I was pregnant back in February and the first lockdown in March my husband and I have really tried to be sensible and stay safe.

My concern at the moment revolves around my usual triggers. On new years eve some very old friends messaged us seeing if we were free and wanting to drop a gift for our baby. 

Very, very stupidly I explained my anxieties about seeing others,  we haven't had anyone in the house etc and they mentioned how careful they have been and had also recently been tested. I think I just wanted a bit of normality so I let my guard down. We invited them in for a drink and to meet our baby. 

Now since then I have been plagued with guilt for being so so stupid. I can't actually believe now that I made such a mistake like that after moaning about everyone around me who had broken rules. I knew we wouldn't be seeing anyone over the next few weeks so I just told myself it was a one off and we needed one night's break.

Yesterday my husband and I ordered those at home antigen tests and it looked like my husband had a positive on the IGM marker. It was very very light but I immediately freaked out. Badly.

I of course made him call our friends who assured us they still felt absolutely fine but obviously I worried they had been asymptomatic and had then passed the virus onto us. I then made my husband and I go out right away and pay for a rapid test using a nasal swab. Both came back negative.

I'm absolutely feeling so incredibly low, I keep replaying over the last few days the neighbours in our building, the post office my husband went to, and the supermarket and when we passed others when walking past on a walk, and I am seriously petrified we have given someone the virus which could make someone ill and die. I'm so so scared that by my stupid action I could have killed someone. 

Its so bad that I just can't see how to get over this, because it's not a made up scenario in my head, I did break the rules and I feel like I can't be forgiven for being so stupid. I could really use some advice and I don't feel I have anyone I can share this with.

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It is ocd. Remind yourself of that. From you post you've done a good job of reflecting and realising that. You know ocd ebbs and flows. Try to relable it and distract. Good luck.

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Thanks for replying. 

Because I broke real rules, with a real risk and I can't shake off these feelings of worry and guilt for making someone seriously ill.

At the time I honestly thought it would be OK, so so stupidly. But seeing that faint positive on the antigen has made me doubt the nose swabs and I'm petrified for either of us to go out. 

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Is the worry going to help anyone?  Can worrying change the outcome?  :no:

Yes, you broke a regulation but the extent of your anxiety, the rumination is out of all proportion with the situation.  This is the hallmark of it being part of OCD.  Would a non-sufferer treat the same, be wracked with guilt and anxiety? :no:

So you have to treat this like any other obsession and look at the things you're doing.  It seems largely to be rumination, endlessly going over this and hating yourself.  When you catch yourself slipping into the process of thinking, catch yourself, make a decision to stop the internal debate.  Your brain will try to start the conversation again.  You refuse to debate.  Start today, right now to change this :)

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Whenever I try to not worry about it, my head tells me I should worry about it. I deserve to worry about it because what I did was wrong.

Blaming ocd is like I'm trying to let myself off the hook.

I guess I feel like I should stay miserable, because it was wrong. I don't know how I'll move on from the fact I feel like I could have killed someone. That thought keeps coming back and I because no one can ever tell me I haven't I don't see how i can ever be happy.

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To summarise.

I feel so bad we saw people on Dec 31st. They are still fine. 

I got my husband to do an antibody test on Jan 6th and on the IGM marker it looked like a very faint grey line I'm not sure if it was possible an indent but you could see it.

I immediately made us go and pay for private covid nose swab tests which both came back negative.

Now today Jan 8th I got him to do another antibody test and it looks like a negative result but if you squint you can see where the line is.

I feel so scared I could do with some advise I feel so guilty. He went to the supermarket on Jan 2nd, Jan 3rd we met his mum outside but we got her tested too and she was negative,  and the post office Jan 4th. We live in an apartment building I'm so worried about all the deliveries we've had.

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I'm really struggling.

Twice I've made him take an antibody test, in mine yesterday you can't see a grey line but on his if you squint there looks like there is something. I wish I knew how to attach an image.

I feel so scared about having covid and having passed it to someone.

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Thank you 

I'm worrying the lack of response is due to the reason that people may think it's not ocd and not i really have harmed someone.

I've tried. And spent loads on tests to try and help from this stupid mistake. My husband is honestly near the end of his patience because he's been made to go out and do nasal swabs, and take at home antibody tests.

I hate on his there's a faint grey line on both he has done on the IGM - I know its likely just the dye running through the test but I don't know how to move on or leave the home. He just wants to live normal and I'm acting so out of order 

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I've started looking at headspace and mindfulness apps.

What worry is me is whenever I try these things my head just tells me that by doing these techniques it's like I'm letting myself off the hook?

It's like I don't feel like I deserve to move on from these mistakes I made? 

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Hi Corrie22,

I want to reach out to you as I can relate to your situation. I suffer with OCD and am really trying to tackle it by starting on fluoxetine. I had the same fears and feelings over Christmas when I had my parents over Christmas Day. I spent the next week frantic I had made them ill. I was constantly phoning them checking they were ok. 
 

how are you feeling today?

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12 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Self punishment is common with OCD.

Think about this: put your parent, sibling or best friend in your shoes. How would you advise them? Would you recommend they continue punishing themselves?

I do think this because I know other the last year practically everyone I know has broken the rules at least once.

I have however been having a go at everyone for now following the rules and that's why I feel it hard to accept and move on when I should definitely have known better.

The reason I feel this constant punishment is because of that antibody test on Jan 6th looking like there was a faint grey line. That's why on the same day I made us go for those private nasal swabs which were both negative. That's why I then made him do another antibody home test on the 8th and you could still squint and see a faint line but I don't know if that's just the test or not.

I don't know what to do and I feel so so afraid we've got covid and have given it to someone.

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48 minutes ago, GC12345 said:

Hi Corrie22,

I want to reach out to you as I can relate to your situation. I suffer with OCD and am really trying to tackle it by starting on fluoxetine. I had the same fears and feelings over Christmas when I had my parents over Christmas Day. I spent the next week frantic I had made them ill. I was constantly phoning them checking they were ok. 
 

how are you feeling today?

I have checked on our friends too. They have assured me they are fine and it's been ten days now, but my brain tells me maybe they were asymptomatic and maybe we are too? I just feel like I'm constantly looking for a reason.

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Corrie, we are told not to offer reassurance as it's not helpful so I will try not to the best I can. However, this is totally your OCD overreacting. We are all very anxious at the moment and hyper sensitive with covid but your worries are taking it to the extreme. None of us know if we have passed it on without knowing. We will never know for sure either. Most of us have broken the rules albeit only in a small way mostly but most have. If you carry on like this you will be really unwell then what use will you be to your newborn baby? You have to keep well for yourself and him/her.  I worry too about covid and passing it to my parents. I wake up at night sometimes imagining the phone ringing or door bell going and someone telling me my parents are ill. It's a difficult time for us all but we have OCD so we tend to catastrophise. Maybe this is reassurance. I don't know... but it's true..please move on.

Edited by MarieJo
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I could accept and move on if I was doing the best I could, I wasn't my hands, and wear a mask, but it's because of having people actually over that I can't forgive myself for. I just don't see that as excusable behaviour.

Those at home antibody tests have totally thrown me because of that faint grey line on my husbands. I just can't move on from this worry when it's a real fear.  Those friends were the only people we saw and everyone is still feeling fine ten days on but I'm so scared to go for a walk.

I think the test has a grey line running up it too and part of my head is telling me of course there will be an indent line but I just don't know how to know for sure we don't have it ? I don't know of it's ocd to test again 

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1 hour ago, PolarBear said:

You've got to let this go. Right now you're battling a fear, not Covid.

Try to get your mind on other things.

I've spoken with by husband and tonight we're been looking after our new baby and watching TV and it does help but whenever I have a second to myself the thoughts come rushing back.

I just feel like we've had ten months of this now so I should definitely known better regarding NYE, it doesn't matter now that our friends said they've been careful and recently tested,  I just took it way too literal and let my guard down.

I'm scared to go  walk, I'm scared for my husband to take out the bins. It's been ten days now of feeling like this and I don't know what to say to make me feel better when in black and white i know symptoms can take 14 days, and if you are indeed asymptomatic then what? How can I keep getting food delivered and checking my post. Everyday I just worry about anyone who has been near us.

Before lockdown we met my husbands mum outside for a  walk and now I think we have made her asymptomatic too and have spread it and potentially killed people. 

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