Do I have SO-OCD or not? One of the users made me really anxious

[lonelygirl91]

Do I sound like I have SO-OCD (sexual orientation OCD). One of the users implied that this isn't OCD but that I could genuinely be a lesbian or bi! I'm really freaking out and regretting coming on this site.

This is what I posted on my previous post. I'm worried that I'm a lesbian or bi. I've had this theme for years! I'm a 29 y/o female. I was triggered by watching Pretty Little Liars; one of the main characters is a lesbian. Right now I feel very stressed as I've been mentally testing being naked with and kissing a girl and asking myself am I attracted to the female body? It's like I'm not disgusted by these thoughts (I don't know if it's desensitization- I used to be super grossed out) and it's like I'd actually want to do it and have these desires. Are these "feelings" and "desires" false? I keep digging and digging when I mentally test to try and gauge every reaction. It seems like I desire it when I mentally test but I don't.

I know there's nothing wrong with being a lesbian or bi but I don't want to be one. I don't come from a religious family; my mum is very liberal and I live in a liberal LGBT friendly society. I have a friend who recently came out as a lesbian but she's so happy whenever she talks about women; her face lights up and she's excited about dating women. Her mum doesn't know and is homophobic, but my friend is open about her sexuality to everyone apart from her mum. I have no desire to date women and whenever I mentally test, I feel so low and depressed; you'd think I'm thinking about something horrible but my mind convinces me that I "enjoy" it and really desire women. Do you ever get this? Does OCD try to convince you that you're into something that you're not. 

Edited January 7, 2021 by lonelygirl91

[evermore]

Hi there, 

Sorry to hear that you’re having a tough time, I hope you feel better soon.

I’ve read your other thread and I think the other users are trying to avoid providing any reassurance, as is exactly what OCD feeds off and actively perpetuates the illness. As some of the others said, it might be a good idea to try to distance yourself from these thoughts instead of digging deeper into them. Removing the power from the obsession and saying “Ok, maybe I am a lesbian and maybe I’m not” may feel terrifying but it might be what you need to consider doing. Not engaging with the ruminating thoughts and need to mentally review everything and dig deeper is what will ultimately free you from this. I think that the others have posted some really helpful things, so it might be a good idea to go back and re-read it when you’re feeling a bit better.

It sounds like your OCD is craving absolute certainty that you have OCD around the theme of the time of sexuality, and firstly that’s not something that anyone here can know but it also wouldn’t be helpful to feed into your compulsion to have absolute certainty even if we did know. I hope that makes sense. 

With regards to your question on the other thread about how having OCD around sexuality differs from having OCD around harming people - it doesn’t. OCD is OCD and while themes/compulsions/ruminations are varied and can be very specific, it is ultimately the same mechanism at play. 

Hope this helps in some small way and hope that you manage to find some peace. Wishing you all the very best x 

[lonelygirl91]

22 minutes ago, evermore said:

Hi there, 

Sorry to hear that you’re having a tough time, I hope you feel better soon.

I’ve read your other thread and I think the other users are trying to avoid providing any reassurance, as is exactly what OCD feeds off and actively perpetuates the illness. As some of the others said, it might be a good idea to try to distance yourself from these thoughts instead of digging deeper into them. Removing the power from the obsession and saying “Ok, maybe I am a lesbian and maybe I’m not” may feel terrifying but it might be what you need to consider doing. Not engaging with the ruminating thoughts and need to mentally review everything and dig deeper is what will ultimately free you from this. I think that the others have posted some really helpful things, so it might be a good idea to go back and re-read it when you’re feeling a bit better.

It sounds like your OCD is craving absolute certainty that you have OCD around the theme of the time of sexuality, and firstly that’s not something that anyone here can know but it also wouldn’t be helpful to feed into your compulsion to have absolute certainty even if we did know. I hope that makes sense. 

With regards to your question on the other thread about how having OCD around sexuality differs from having OCD around harming people - it doesn’t. OCD is OCD and while themes/compulsions/ruminations are varied and can be very specific, it is ultimately the same mechanism at play. 

Hope this helps in some small way and hope that you manage to find some peace. Wishing you all the very best x 

Thanks for your reply evermore. It's a very stressful situation. Sorry I didn't mean harm ocd, HOCD stands for homosexual ocd but didn't think that it meant harm OCD. I meant how am I different to someone who has OCD about their sexual orientation if people on here really think I could be a lesbian or bi? 

Edited January 8, 2021 by lonelygirl91

[evermore]

Ah sorry, I didn’t realise! I get really confused with all the acronyms, so I avoid using them on the forum and am not familiar with them all.

I think again your OCD is looking for reassurance. On your other thread I think @cashewnutsandraisins has a great response to these ruminating questions.

[lonelygirl91]

Thanks for your reply evermore but I've seen that other people give others reassurance on here. Do people think maybe I don't have OCD but a genuine sexuality crisis thats why they're not treating me like I have OCD and that this is an obsession? What's the difference between someone who is bi/gay or a straight person with this OCD theme? I rarely post on here. Maybe people don't think that I should be on here. 

[evermore]

Sorry lonelygirl91, I can't answer those questions - only you know the answer. Hope you manage to find some peace through the steps that some of the others have highlighted on your other thread.

[PolarBear]

Lonelygirl, I know your story from the past. I've read your recent posts.

It was OCD then. It is OCD now. It will be OCD in the future.

Yes, that's reassurance, something I give sparingly.

Take a deep breath and try to relax.

[lonelygirl91]

1 hour ago, PolarBear said:

Lonelygirl, I know your story from the past. I've read your recent posts.

It was OCD then. It is OCD now. It will be OCD in the future.

Yes, that's reassurance, something I give sparingly.

Take a deep breath and try to relax.

Thanks Polar Bear. I hope you're well.

[Caramoole]

Lonely girl,

You're having a crisis and are desperately seeking reassurance.  Seeking some sort of certainty.  Deep down, you know it isn't the answer.

Address those compulsions.  Resist the search for certainty, for reassurance...it won't help