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Need help/advice with a thought paradox


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Okay, so I have a 'theme' of OCD that I don't often talk about because it's just so odd that I honestly find it difficult to describe to people. But I find myself in these OCD loops that I can't get out of and I'm struggling to identify the point where to work up from, so any advice would be appreciated.

My current obsession, and one I have had for a long time now, is essentially noticing minor details that most people would just never notice. Usually regarding things I love doing to relax, such as playing videogames and watching movies. I notice these details or imperfections that any normal, relaxed person just wouldn't notice, and then I obsess over it and it completely ruins the enjoyment. It can be, honestly, anything. From a particular camera angle in a film, to the way a character model in a game interacts with the environment, there's is no limit to what my OCD will deem an acceptable thing to have a panic attack over. 

This presents me with a complex issue and I have no idea how to tackle it. The issue being, usually watching a film or playing a game is one of my 'distractions' for when I feel like I'm obsessing over something. But now, OCD has found away to ruin my solution to an already OCD related problem. By completely disengaging with the activity because of the anxiety, I feel like I'm doing an avoidance compulsion. But, if I try to just sit and relax and watch a movie or something, all I do is obsess and ruin it for myself. So it's a damned if you do, damned if you don't scenario. Any advice out there for a situation like this? It just brings more unwanted, unneeded and frankly undeserved stress to my life. 

 

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Hi Ollie,

It sounds like a really complicated problem so I can understand why you feel in a catch 22 situation. I suppose it isn't surprising that if you struggle with obsessing over things because of OCD, that it would then also latch on to obsessing over things you do to distract from it. When you say you obsess over a camera angle etc. what do you mean by obsessing? Are you thinking it over, rewinding it back, checking something? Also, what's the reason you do these things, why is it important to you to obsess over them?

Gemma :)

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Thanks for the response Gemma, I know it's a really odd problem, I almost feel embarrassed about telling anyone because it's not like I'm worried about harming someone or anything, which is a serious and understandable obsession.

So when I say I obsess, you are correct, I constantly feel the need to rewind and check it, and try and figure it out, like 'do other people notice this too?' It all stemmed from a moment where I was watching a film that I had seen a hundred times, and I noticed that, in the background of one of the scenes, you can see a crew member of the set who wasn't supposed to be on the screen at the time. For some reason, my OCD immediately latched onto it because it was a 'mistake' and, therefore, the entire film is now 'tainted' because, before it was perfect, and now I noticed an imperfection so the whole thing is ruined. 

I am now reading what I'm writing and seeing that I sound like a total lunatic, by the way, it's so odd that my OCD does this.

It's so hard to explain but imagine you're watching a movie and you're completely absorbed and enjoying it. But then it's like somebody is whispering in your ear and pointing things out that you wouldn't normally notice and it takes away from the moment of enjoyment. As if somebody is saying 'if you pay attention here, you can see that there is a mistake.' And that's what I do, I compulsively check to see if there are any little 'mistakes' on screen because, if there are, that means the film is now 'bad' and I can't enjoy it anymore. It's this black and white, all or nothing thinking that is typical of something like OCD

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The truth is, I know I'm not the only person who notices things like this, but I know I'm the only person who let's it bother them to such an insane degree. And I beat myself up a lot about it because:

1) the obsession is so stupid and there are people out there who have actual obsessions that are serious, like fear of harming a loved one 

2) I used to be able to deal with stuff like this so well and the OCD steps (relable thoughts, reattribute their meaning, refocus your attention, etc) used to come so naturally to me a few years ago and I was basically OCD free. But I struggle to even take the correct measures for 30 minutes anymore

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Hi Ollie :)

I really don't think anyone will feel your obsession is more stupid than any other obsession. All of us are unique and what bothers someone is what bothers someone, there is no judgement here.

You said that you used to have a good grasp of the OCD steps (relabel thoughts, reattribute their meaning, refocus your attention, etc) and there is no reason you can't get back to that point again. You understand that this is caused by black and white thinking and probably some perfectionism, which like you say are really common in OCD sufferers. Maybe you can could try doing the steps for five minutes and build up, if 30 minutes seems too long right now. Try to remember that OCD traps you in a cycle where the more compulsions you do, the more you notice things, so the more compulsions you do etc. So right now OCD might be ruining your enjoyment of things you used to really like, but in part that's because your focus is on what OCD wants it to be, if you can change that focus you can get your enjoyment back.

Do you believe you could think about these 'mistakes' in a different way perhaps? Many people find pleasure in finding mistakes in films, because it shows the film process and the difficulties of shooting certain scenes. 

Gemma :)

 

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Thanks again for the reply Gemma, I think on some level I know I have to do this, I have just found it extremely difficult recently. The lockdown lifestyle is certainly not for me, I have found my compulsive behaviours go crazy since I'm not at work (currently on furlough), and therefore lack focus or routine. Truth is, this is just one of many obsessions I have and I struggle to keep on top of all of them at the moment it's a nightmare! Bringing it back to basics and being reminded that it's just doing the four steps over and over is a helpful reminder

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8 hours ago, Ollie46 said:

I almost feel embarrassed about telling anyone because it's not like I'm worried about harming someone or anything, which is a serious and understandable obsession.

Hey Ollie,

I don't think you should feel embarrassed. If it's causing you distress, it is important! This does sound like a really annoying problem, especially because it's getting in the way of things that you enjoy and use for relaxation. That is what OCD does, though, it targets the things we care about. If I were you, I would try to just sit it out. Notice those imperfections, feel the anxiety, try not to pay attention or do compulsions and sit it out. Yes, it's going to be hard to relax, but that should only be temporary. If you manage to sit through this for a while, you'll eventually feel less anxiety and notice this less. Easier said than done though, I know!

Also, I get you about lockdown life! It's really starting to get to me too. I am lucky to be able to work from home, but it's still hard not being able to interact with people, get out of the house etc. We just have to stay positive and make our lives as pleasant as possible I guess!

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Thanks for the response Malina!

I did exactly what you said in regards to sitting it out today, and whilst I failed in a few moments I'm proud of how much I managed to just allow that uncomfortable feeling to be there! At one point I felt extremely relaxed for about an hour or so, which is rare these days, so I can go to sleep feeling good about something ?

Also, I feel you on the topic of lockdown. I tried so much stuff to keep my brain occupied. Keeping regular exercise, cooking more, online calls with friends, ANYTHING to try and improve my mood and keep me from losing my mind. It works sometimes but it's not the magic elixir that I'd rather that just stops the bad feelings! I think I just had to accept at some point that it was just going to feel bad sometimes, and rather than fixate on that feeling, just ride with it and see where it takes me

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