Ar33 Posted January 12, 2021 Share Posted January 12, 2021 This is about to be quite long, I'm sorry! Really grateful to anyone who can give advice. Over the past four months I've been unable to stop doubting absolutely everything, including whether I love my family and friends, what's right and wrong, even whether I should enjoy anything or think/feel about anything a certain way, whether I can trust what I think, my perceptions, my feelings, my memory, my capacity to believe anything, you name it. I even doubt whether I want to be a good person, of course deep down I do, but the doubt persists with constant what ifs, I feel like a terrible person. I'm useless, I've completely lost myself and feel so detached and scared. Everything has lost its meaning/context, there's no certainty, I have no self worth or assurance. I don't feel the same care and empathy and human connection I should and it's killing me. Reality doesn't seem real, and I'm lost inside relentless doubt about what is, what should be, who I am, what I value. It's torture and so frightening. Trying to fight it is exhausting. I can't ignore it, it's constant. I feel so much guilt. I try to prove things to reassure myself but am plagued by irrational "what ifs" and disbelief in what I try to tell myself, eg. if I try to tell myself what I value or who I love, there are what ifs, disbelief, I just feel constant doubt. I don't feel or think normally or naturally anymore, I overanalyse everything and doubt everything automatically. I don't know how to live like this. I can't help doubting if I even want to get better, as I doubt everything I think, I feel so helpless and keep trying to push forwards but have no foundations. Is this pure OCD or is it me, just complete self-doubt? Or both? Will ERP work with this kind of doubt? I don't know how to cope with this horrendous self doubt, it feels like there's no escape. Do any treatments work? Has anyone experienced this? I don't know what's going on or what to do. My brain is a mess, all my thoughts are wrong. Please help :(( Link to comment
FranticS Posted January 12, 2021 Share Posted January 12, 2021 Hi Ar33, I think there's a few people expressing similar feelings/fears here at the moment. I'm wondering if lockdown is increasing our feelings of isolation and disconnection from others, making us ruminate on that more? I found this article yesterday. It really helped: https://www.madeofmillions.com/articles/ocd-checking-emotions Link to comment
Gemma@OCDUK Posted January 13, 2021 Share Posted January 13, 2021 Hi Ar33 It sounds like you're having a really hard time at the moment and OCD is causing you to doubt everything. Do treatments work and will ERP work on this kind of doubt? Yes to both. Although it's not one of the more commonly known types of OCD, these types of worries are very common amongst OCD sufferers and can be tackled in therapy.The current recommended treatment for OCD is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) which includes ERP. ERP can still work because there are always compulsions that take place with OCD, even if many of them are only in your head. Typically, though there will be external compulsions like asking for reassurance from loved ones/online or avoidance of people, places or objects that trigger the thoughts. Compulsions are often about trying to make sure of something and in trying to make sure we inevitably end up more unsure. This is the vicious circle that OCD traps you in. Have you looked into accessing any treatment for OCD on the NHS? Gemma Link to comment
FranticS Posted January 17, 2021 Share Posted January 17, 2021 Thanks @Doubt_It - that's reassuring. I've been really struggling with this over the last couple months... Link to comment
Mike68 Posted January 17, 2021 Share Posted January 17, 2021 (edited) I am experiencing something similar and it's really tormenting me. I question the value of everything that matters to me - my family, my friendships, my life, other people's lives, and much more. It's reached the point were I am so anxious that I can barely eat or sleep. The local mental health crisis team are involved and are helping as best they can. Probably my greatest doubt is whether I have OCD or am, in reality, a truly bad person. Edited January 17, 2021 by Mike68 Link to comment
FranticS Posted January 18, 2021 Share Posted January 18, 2021 How much of this is related to us feeling alone and isolated and like we're separated from the rest of society at the moment, though, particularly when you live on your own...? Link to comment
Ar33 Posted January 20, 2021 Author Share Posted January 20, 2021 Thankyou so so much to everyone who replied, this really helps to understand what's going on. I'm in touch with a counsellor through the NHS for anxiety but will try to see if they can make it more OCD focused. Also I can completely relate Mike68, I'm glad you're getting help. @Doubt_It if it's okay to ask, what kind of exposures did you do for fears/doubts that you didn't love your family? These are the worst for me, it might be irrational but I'm scared I'd end up feeling apathy or even believing the exposure. Link to comment
Mike68 Posted January 20, 2021 Share Posted January 20, 2021 Hi Ar33, I'm not doing any exposure at the moment. I saw my family at Christmas but found it very difficult to be with them as I wanted desperately to feel love towards them but could only feel anxiety. I've been feeling very depressed for a few months - my mum died in October and that hasn't helped. I'm not sure if I can give you any advice other than what I've seen on this forum. OCD is driven by anxiety and compulsions, mental or physical, that we perform to alleviate the anxiety. It seems that reducing compulsions is important in reducing the symptoms of OCD. Do you spend a lot of time thinking about how you feel and trying to mentally feel in a way you would prefer e.g. trying to construct a feeling of love towards your family? This is something that I do a lot and I think that it is a compulsion. It's difficult to stop but I think the answer may be to allow yourself to think whatever is going through your mind without challenging or questioning the meaning of the thought. It sounds simple but it isn't easy. Sorry I can't be of more help. Wishing you all the best, Mike. Link to comment
Ar33 Posted January 20, 2021 Author Share Posted January 20, 2021 (edited) Thanks @Doubt_It, that makes sense- what kind of exposures were you doing that worked for you? Did you find your normal emotions coming back? I'm so sorry for what you're going through Mike. I feel anxiety and doubt instead of love too, I spend a lot of time trying to reassure myself I do love my family, which only causes more distress- I definitely overanalyse our interactions and how I feel about them, I just feel disconnected. I'll work on resisting compulsions. Thankyou so much for your help, I wish you all the best. Edited January 20, 2021 by Ar33 Link to comment
FranticS Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 4 hours ago, Doubt_It said: I stopped worrying about it. I know I make that sound easy - it wasn’t. It took therapy and medication but it worked. I saw someone call it a leap of faith in here and they’re right. The worst thing you can do is try to force yourself to have those loving feelings - it’ll never work. But have you found, as you've stopped worrying about it, that your "true self" has returned? Do you feel affection and love and kindness and compassion again? Link to comment
FranticS Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 It feels so lonely. I start doubting that love and compassion really exist, if the beliefs and feelings can be so fickle. The world suddenly becomes a terrifying place. And more, I become such a terrifying person to myself Link to comment
Ar33 Posted January 21, 2021 Author Share Posted January 21, 2021 Thanks @Doubt_It, it's so good to hear the feelings come back. I think I'm also suffering from depersonalization. Is this something that went away for you too? Link to comment
Ar33 Posted January 21, 2021 Author Share Posted January 21, 2021 (edited) Thankyou, that helps a lot. I guess the dp makes it worse, one my main problems as well is second-guessing my every thought about myself and what I actually believe- is this something you struggled with and were able to overcome? Edited January 21, 2021 by Ar33 Link to comment
Ar33 Posted January 21, 2021 Author Share Posted January 21, 2021 (edited) I'm glad you've managed to recover, I used IAPT too but they didn't pick up on the OCD at the time, and when I realized and mentioned it to my counsellor he kind of passed over it and said to just accept the doubt's there - if it's okay to ask, does this work? what kind of techniques did they teach you to deal with your mental compulsions that helped you recover? Edited January 21, 2021 by Ar33 Link to comment
Labbetuss Posted January 27, 2021 Share Posted January 27, 2021 I can relate to this. I know we shouldn't really think in themes, but I've just never encountered anyone with this theme before. I've seen so many doubt their relationship, some their orientation or idenity, but I've felt like I was the only person who doubted everything. I felt like it went full circle at some point though and I just became numb to it in a way. Link to comment
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