self harm

[Guest smile]

Hi smile

Hope you're doing ok today.

Just to say I empathise hugely with your situation. Yesterday was a big change in my routine in some ways and it was very uneasy and uncomfortable. It was the first time in the best part of a year that I'd sat and eaten a meal with my folks, which was also very uncomfortable for me. I couldn't wait to get out of their way. Like yours, our Christmas has been unusually quiet with my Grandad no longer with us and my Grandma in a nursing home. Even with just the three of us it still felt incredibly awkward and unrelaxing.

I spent a great deal of yesterday self harming, and am feeling the urges strongly again this morning - because I am so annoyed with myself for getting so worked up about something so trivial.

Unfortunately OCD doesn't take a day off for Christmas so its probably best for us to keep to as normal a routine as possible in many ways......I know I find it easier that way.

Catherine is right on this. As soon as I was able to I made my routine as 'normal' as I could yesterday. It helped slightly, but the OCD was kicking me hard, and it still is this morning.

I'm sorry this post hasn't been much help to you, but just to say I empathise hugely with your situation and what you're going through. Look after yourself and take care

Love from Kathryn

xx

[Guest smile]

Thanks queenie,

sorry to hear you are going through a roungh patch. Although it does help to know there are others going through the days with the same thoughts. I self-harmed yesterday and this morning and am still having thoughts now.

My routine is definately all over the place. Especially eating wise, which isnt a good thing. Also had a thought regarding my niece, which has angered me. She was mucking around with her food and she gagged on it. I have a fear of being sick and this made me very jumpy. For one moment I had visions of me hitting out at her.

She isnt even 5 yet. How could I think of something like that. It worries me that I could think that, what would I do if she was sick?

I just cant wait for things to get back to some sort of norm.

Hope you feel better soon x

[Guest starbrite]

Hi, smile and queenie,

How are both of you doing now? I usually stay where I belong :a1_cheesygrin: in the OCD section but since I also have anxiety and depression (oh yeah, my life is one big party!! :lol: ) I occasionally wander over here. I'm sorry you're both feeling so stressed right now, actually I think a LOT of people get very stressed-out over the holidays. Isn't it weird how something that's supposed to be all about peace and love and family can be so hard on the nerves?!

I've been trying to learn more about SI. I belong to several sites dealing with OCD, depression, things like that, and I'm beginning to realize that SI is a much more widespread occurrance than I had ever realized. And also that for a lot of people it's something that's very difficult to resist. So my heart goes out to you both, I'm starting to see what you're up against, I know it takes a lot of strength to resist the urges to self-harm. Funny, I had never thought that I personally had any problem with SI--altho heaven knows I've got plenty of other baggage! :dry: Then I read a description of SI on another site and it described some of the things I did in the past--and lo and behold, they were included as part of the self-harm activities! I was stunned when I read that--I suddenly realized that I had been engaging in SI over a number of years and never knew it!! :helpsmilie: Mine wasn't the really typical kind of SI which I guess is why I never made the connection before. And I don't do it anymore, I really don't know how I came to stop, I think with me it went along with these awful rages and rants I used to get into---fortunately I seem to have gotten over most of that!!

Anyway--I wanted you both to know that I'm thinking about you and wishing you well. You CAN get over this, I know it's a real struggle but it CAN be overcome. Good luck to you both! :original:

[Guest Kitty]

Hi again smile ((hugs))

I self harmed again yesterday too, and the urges are still very strong, though I think this is linked strongly to my hormones atm.

I'm really sorry you had a bad experience with your niece - I suffer from the fear of being sick too, and I remember one xmas a few years back when we'd gone to visit my Grandma and Grandad and my Great Aunty was there too. She was in her 80's and sometimes had difficulty chewing and swallowing - we were sat eating a boxing day meal when she suddenly started to gag and choke - I felt so scared and jumpy and worried she'd be sick...it's a horrid thing to watch and I understand how you feel.

It'll soon be January now and things will get back to some semblance of normality....

Hope you're coping ok today, honey.

xx

How are both of you doing now? I usually stay where I belong in the OCD section but since I also have anxiety and depression (oh yeah, my life is one big party!! ) I occasionally wander over here. I'm sorry you're both feeling so stressed right now, actually I think a LOT of people get very stressed-out over the holidays. Isn't it weird how something that's supposed to be all about peace and love and family can be so hard on the nerves?!

Yep, you're right about that honey! I'm doing ok-ish as I mentioned above still getting quite strong urges to SH but on the whole just glad xmas day is over with. Hope you're ok?

I've been trying to learn more about SI. I belong to several sites dealing with OCD, depression, things like that, and I'm beginning to realize that SI is a much more widespread occurrance than I had ever realized. And also that for a lot of people it's something that's very difficult to resist. So my heart goes out to you both, I'm starting to see what you're up against, I know it takes a lot of strength to resist the urges to self-harm. Funny, I had never thought that I personally had any problem with SI--altho heaven knows I've got plenty of other baggage! Then I read a description of SI on another site and it described some of the things I did in the past--and lo and behold, they were included as part of the self-harm activities! I was stunned when I read that--I suddenly realized that I had been engaging in SI over a number of years and never knew it!! Mine wasn't the really typical kind of SI which I guess is why I never made the connection before. And I don't do it anymore, I really don't know how I came to stop, I think with me it went along with these awful rages and rants I used to get into---fortunately I seem to have gotten over most of that!!

This is how I was too - I didn't and never have cut myself - so I naturally assumed that what I was doing (using my fingernails/tweezers to dig marks into my body, taking painkillers when I don't need them, witholding food etc etc etc) didn't constitute self harm. But it does. I think it come in peaks and troughs like you say - there was a period of a few years when I didn't SH at all and then just over the last three years it's snuck back in and got a bit worse.

Thanks for your reply - and I really hope you're doing ok too, honey. Look after yourself.

Love to you both from

Kathryn

xxx

[Guest smile]

Hi again to you both,

Queenie, what you described to do with you grandma sounds exactly like what would get me so anxious.

I am doing ok so far, been kept busy today, been getting some thoughts of self-harm recently, but I really need to give myself a break from it.

Was trying on some clothes today and felt so uncomfortable. I kept thinking someone would walk in the changing room.

Had a little slip on the ice today and banged myself a little. My mum told me to check my arm, but I just couldnt do it as she would see my arms. It definately gets me in some akward postions and it wont get easier unless I stop self-harming.

Hope you are both doing ok.

Smile x

[Guest Kitty]

Ooh hey again smile ((hugs))

Hope you're ok and not hurting too much after your fall, that sounds nasty - look after yourself and make sure you get medical attention should you need it honey.

Yesterday was SH city again for me I'm afraid, I tend to harm the areas around my abdomen a lot - in the end to stop myself I heated up my lavender 'non-hot water' bottle in the microwave and wrapped that round me to stop it. It worked for a bit but the urges just seem to be too strong at the moment.

Hope you're doing ok, honey. Take care won't you?

Love Kathryn

xxx

[Guest smile]

Hi Queenie,

thanks for your concern, but I am fine regarding my little slip, well apart from a sore bum/arm. It did make me laugh though. I am still getting the urges and have done some self-harm twice today already. I am little confused over it, because I know I am leaving scars, but when they heal I feel like there should be more there. So I just get more urges.

I am sorry to hear you are still having a tough time with all the self-harming. I just think it is a difficult topic to understand, especially if you dont self-harm. I think it has almost become and addiction for me to do it daily and the only thing that stops me is my nieces being around.

Otherwise in a way I suppose I dont want to stop, as it makes me feel better.

Sorry for the confusing post, just thought I would write a bit more about it.

Smile x

[Guest Kitty]

Hey smile

You're right - it is a difficult topic to understand. It is in some ways, like an addiction - you feel compelled to do it as part of your routines - well I know I do - sometimes now, I don't even realise I am doing it, if that makes sense. It's good that you have the distraction of your nieces to help you take your mind off it, though. Luckily, I've got the distraction of my lovely boyfriend to help me :inlove: . Even though we live a long way apart he always makes me feel happy.

It's not a confusing post at all - I think it does help to write down the motivations for the SH and what helps you refocus from it. It's what the board is for I guess.

You take care,

Love from Kathryn

xx

Edited December 29, 2005 by Guest

[Guest smile]

Sorry to be writing again.

I am still getting the thoughts of self-harm even though I know my nieces will be around soon. If I do anything it will just relax me and I wont have the thoughts for a while. At the moment I am finding it hard to go a day without self-harming. Sometimes once doesnt feel enough either.

I dont need anyone to reply I am just writing this to try and distract myself from doing anything x

[Guest ca02049]

Sorry to be writing again.

I am still getting the thoughts of self-harm even though I know my nieces will be around soon. If I do anything it will just relax me and I wont have the thoughts for a while. At the moment I am finding it hard to go a day without self-harming. Sometimes once doesnt feel enough either.

I dont need anyone to reply I am just writing this to try and distract myself from doing anything x

Hello sweetie,

Just stay on here and chat, they will be round soon and i'm sure they will keep you busy and your mind occupied. PM if you need to chat

Take care honey, you are doing really well.

[Guest smile]

Thanks for your support ca02049,

I know they will be round soon, thats what is stopping me at the moment.

Thanks again x

[Guest ca02049]

Thanks for your support ca02049,

I know they will be round soon, thats what is stopping me at the moment.

Thanks again x

Thats really good, well done. Just stay strong and if you manage to last until they arrive i'm sure you'll be really proud of yourself. I'm sure you'll have your hands full when they do arrive! - are they little?

[Guest smile]

Well they arrived later than normal, which gave me time to give in to my urges, but now they are here I know I wont do anything more. Yes they are young, eldest is 4 and youngest is 20 months. They used to stop me from self-harming on the day they come round, but now that doesnt stop me. Like I say they will keep me busy tonight and now we have them for new years eve/day aswell. So wont have much time to myself.

[Guest smile]

I really dont know what to do. Have already self-harmed twice today already and I am having urges to do it again. The only way I can put it off is by saying leave it til tomorrow, but that isnt right either. Its like I am telling myself it is ok to self-harm when it isnt. How am I going to stop doing this. x

[Rachie]

Hi there Smile, I'm really not sure what to suggest but I just wanted to offer you some support and say I'm here for a while if you want to talk.

I don't know much about self-harm and this might be wrong, but it seems to me that it's good that you can say to yourself put it off till tomorrow. When you say that's not right either, I think you're being hard on yourself. You're not saying it's OK to self-harm - you know it's not, but you're trying to stop and by telling yourself you can leave it till tomorrow this is a way of taking a step to stopping it, I think.

Can you see your doctor any time soon?

Try to stay strong. I wish I could be more help but like I say I don't really know about self-harm so not really sure what to say.

Rachel xx

[Guest smile]

Thanks for your support,

I definately wont do anything tonight. My arm is a little sore from this morning. I know this may sound silly, but I how soon can something become a little infected. There is an area that is red and hot, but I dont know if it could be infection.

If it is I would want to wait until tuesday to see if I can get a doctors appointment. I dont think I can see my gp until next week, but I could see another this week if need be. x

[Rachie]

I'm pleased you won't do anything tonight. Maybe you should see another doctor if you can't see yours. It sounds as though you're having a really hard time and you maybe need some extra support.

Is there anything you can use on your arm - any antiseptic cream or anything? x

Thanks for your support,

I definately wont do anything tonight. My arm is a little sore from this morning. I know this may sound silly, but I how soon can something become a little infected. There is an area that is red and hot, but I dont know if it could be infection.

If it is I would want to wait until tuesday to see if I can get a doctors appointment. I dont think I can see my gp until next week, but I could see another this week if need be. x

[Guest smile]

If I were to see another doctor it would only be if the cut was infected. I dont think I have any cream that I can put on it, maybe some spray, but is it ok to do that on a fresh wound. Cant really put anything on it tonight as my mum has the spray. I suppose I will have to leave it for the night, then maybe try tomorrow.

It looks like a clear liquid is coming on the surface (no colour, just like water).

Thanks x

Edited January 1, 2006 by Guest

[Rachie]

Well, take care of yourself. I wish I could be more helpful. xx

If I were to see another doctor it would only be if the cut was infected. I dont think I have any cream that I can put on it, maybe some spray, but is it ok to do that on a fresh wound. Cant really put anything on it tonight as my mum has the spray. I suppose I will have to leave it for the night, then maybe try tomorrow.

It looks like a clear liquid is coming on the surface (no colour, just like water).

Thanks x

[Guest Kitty]

If I were to see another doctor it would only be if the cut was infected. I dont think I have any cream that I can put on it, maybe some spray, but is it ok to do that on a fresh wound. Cant really put anything on it tonight as my mum has the spray. I suppose I will have to leave it for the night, then maybe try tomorrow.

It looks like a clear liquid is coming on the surface (no colour, just like water).

Thanks x

Hi smile

Hope you don't mind me butting in, lol. Obviously, I'm not a Dr or anything, but the clear liquid on the surface is probably plasma - which is harmless and is your bodies way of releasing something to heal a wound naturally. So long as it's clear it should be ok. If it changes - then see your GP.

Take care

Love from Kathryn

xx

[Guest smile]

Thanks for your information, I think you maybe right in what you said. It has dried up now and feels a little better. So thanks again x

[Guest smile]

Sorry for writing in this post again. It must seem stupid, but it is the only thing I can think of doing and there is anyone apart from my gp who I can talk to about self-harm.

I have already self-harmed today and am having more thoughts. I am just worried because it is so much like an addiction. I dont even need something bad to set me off. Its like I need to do it to feel better. I am doing it daily to make me feel better.

I am even working out when I will have time to myself to do these things.

No one needs reply just need to talk about it really x

[Guest Kitty]

Hey smile

It's ok, smile - you can post about this all you need to - this is what the board is for.

The unfortunate thing about SH is that it's a viscious cycle. It's something that once you're doing you think you can't manage without it. Believe me, I'm right there with you at the moment. I can't stop it either, my skin in so sore and I've hurt my left hand again today. We think it's making us feel better, but in all honesty it isn't. It's just making us feel worse. I can't believe I'm sitting here typing this like the voice of reason, when I was SHing myself less than 5 minutes ago.

You've said in previous posts about your GP being the only person you can talk to about this properly. Maybe you need to make an appointment to see them again. You really do need someone you can confide in on this one.

Also maybe you need to think about some distraction techniques, just like I do. I'm not sure what that would consist if - maybe taking a walk, some exercise, taking a relaxing bath, or trying to read a book/magazine or something. Or try to do something which busies your hands - something maybe artsy or crafty - I once tried to take up knitting/french knitting as something to distract myself.

Sorry it's not much help, but I do understand how you feel right now.

Love from Kathryn

xxxx

[Guest smile]

Sorry to be a pain again,

just need to write on here to try and distract myself. Already self-harmed twice today and having some more thoughts. Next week seems so long away until I can see my gp. At the moment I am going through that phase of thinking just to text anyone, but I hardly speak to any of my friends now and only one knows about the self-harm. It would be obvious that there is something wrong if I text someone. I just wish I could have an appointment this week, but my gp only works certain days, so cant.

No one need reply I am only do this for a distraction x

[Guest smile]

I know this is going to sound weird when I say this, but this is how I feel. I havent self-harmed today, which is a good thing, but for some reason it doesnt feel right. Its as if something is missing. I have had thoughts regarding it today, but I think I am coming down with something so it has put me off.

This may sound weird too, I am scared to let my cuts heal, because I dont want to see the marks I have left. Its like I feel better seeing the cuts. How does that make any sense x