self harm

[Rachie]

Hi Smile. Well done on not self-harming today!

Is self-harming similar to compulsions - so that your cutting yourself is similar to my washing my hands over and over - and gives you relief for a short while? I'm sorry if that's simplifying it but I'm just trying to understand it. I was going to say if it is kind of similar, I expect it feels weird that you haven't done it because it's a habit - is it an addiction?

Maybe you want to see the marks because it's symbolic for how you feel or something? I don't know....

Sorry if I sound really ignorant, I just don't know about self-harm but I want to help you!

xx

[Guest smile]

Thanks Banana

you dont sound ignorant at all. I know it must be difficult for you to understand what I am doing. Yes I do feel it is like an addiction. I should be able to break the habit for a little now. As I will be booking a gp appointment for next week and I dont want her to have to see anything. So at least that makes me stop for the time being. I am just feeling a little weird with having less marks on my arms as they are healing. How stupid does that sound. x

[Rachie]

Honestly, it doesn't sound stupid at all. I'm glad you've got an appointment, that's good. And it's great that having the appointment will make you stop for a bit. Maybe there are other things you could arrange that will help you to not do it for a while? I don't know what but there might be something?

x

Thanks Banana

you dont sound ignorant at all. I know it must be difficult for you to understand what I am doing. Yes I do feel it is like an addiction. I should be able to break the habit for a little now. As I will be booking a gp appointment for next week and I dont want her to have to see anything. So at least that makes me stop for the time being. I am just feeling a little weird with having less marks on my arms as they are healing. How stupid does that sound. x

[Guest smile]

Really feeling bad at the moment (mentioned on OCD board) and I have started to get more urges to self-harm even though my nieces are around. I have only gone one day in probably over 3 weeks without self-harming. I was hoping that I could go a bit longer. I am just feeling so stupid at the moment. Really tense and I know how to release it that little bit.

[snowbear]

Hi Smile,

Don't know how much help I can be as i don't SH as such, but i do have chronic skin picking and am always covered in open 'wounds' when i'm unhappy or stressed or my ocd is bad.

I can let them heal up when i'm well and i love not having the ugly scabs,but as soon as the ocd flares up i pick holes in my skin all over again.I do it where it can't be seen,but knowing that the scabs are there and being in control of whether i let them heal or not is a sort of visual signal to myself how well i am at any given time.So perhaps there are similarities there?

Trouble is,any relief you get from hurting yourself is only temporary because it is only symbolic of the real hurt inside.

Don't want to get all mumbo jumbo on you,but sadly there is often no limit to how much you can hate and despise yourself- and i wasn't even aware i DID hate myself, let alone how much, for many years.Sometimes we need permission to like ourselve from an outsider and counselling may help you find out why you feel so negative towards yourself.Then it is back to distractions and CBT to try to change the behaviour to something healthier.

But whatever the therapists say, personally i thnk the best way to stop it is to develop so much self-respect that you wouldn't dream of hurting yourself.After all,you wouldn't harm a friend you really liked would you? So try to be your own best friend,and BE GENTLE TO YOURSELF.Learn to like yourself as you are- a human being,good and not so good bits,special and precious as an individual-because each and every one of us is.

Snowbear x

[Guest smile]

Hi Snowbear,

thanks for what you wrote it made a lot of sense. I think it may go as far as being like an addiction. The only reason I feel I should stop is because I know it is wrong and is doing damage. However at the same time it gives that moment of goodness, where you feel better for a short while. Maybe its just like drinking/smoking. I know it is wrong for me, but I am scared to be without it. I am definately worried about seeing what I have done to myself once the cuts have healed. I just have got to that stage yet.

You are right I wouldnt do this to a friend and wouldnt want a friend to go through this, but I suppose I like them more than I like myself at the moment. x

[Guest meisme]

helloi thought i would post this, hopefully it might be of some use. i used to self harm for nearly a year and i totally understand what you are going through. you know it is wrong really but it just doesnt feel that way. i found that there was no one to talk to because no one seems to understand unless they have gone through it themselves (in my experience, no offence meant to anyone). at the time it takes the pain away from anything else that is bad in your life and then it can become part of a routine. i ony finally got over it after i got out of a very depresive stage of my life but looking back i wish that i had had someone who unsderstood to talk to. sometimes i feel like i want to self harm but i can physically stop myself unlike other obsessions that i must carry out. just want you to know i am here to talk to

[Guest smile]

I have been so fed of late and have no motivation to do anything. Therefore I have been doing less exercise or going around places. This makes me feel very lazy. I am still self-harming and am getting more thoughts. I thought that having a doctors appointment tomorrow would distract me. As I dont want her to have to see any new marks. However at the moment that doesnt even bother. I suppose I am just not happy with myself at the moment and this will make me feel better.

I dont even know if I should tell my gp how much self-harming I am doing. I just dont have a big enough explination for it, apart from its part of my routine now. x

[whitebeam]

I have been so fed of late and have no motivation to do anything. Therefore I have been doing less exercise or going around places. This makes me feel very lazy.

Hi smile,

It's really hard isn't it when you have no motivation to do anything? Over the past few weeks I have been like that and spending all my time in bed. Eventually I went to see my psychologist (who I haven't seen for a year) and just talking things over allowed me to look at myself and my life in a different way. I'm not yet brimming with energy, but I am at least getting up and trying to potter round a bit.

I have found that the less I do, the less I want to do and so have set myself very small tasks; hopefully this will grow and I'll have a bit more enthusiasm for things.

I dont even know if I should tell my gp how much self-harming I am doing. I just dont have a big enough explination for it, apart from its part of my routine now. x

I think you should tell your GP about the amount of self-harm you are doing. I think that if she is to help you she needs to know how bad your self-harm is.

Hope you soon feel a bit more motivated :original:

Take care

whitebeam

[Guest smile]

Well I went to my doctor, told her that I had very little motivation to do anything and that gradually I have been doing less activities each day. She feels that I need to set myself little goals to do each week. I understand what she is saying, but I dont even have the motivation to want to do anything.

I told her that I am self-harming almost everyday. We didnt talk much about it. To be honest she knows that all I can do is wait for some therapy (CBT). Worst thing is I came out from seeing her and was going over everything I had said and thinking I had said something silly. I wish I could have spoke more about the self-harm though. That was my first thought after leaving the doctors, to self-harm.

She was pleased because over the christmas period etc it turned out I hadnt seen her for a month, where before I was going weekly. So I promised her I wouldnt go next week.

Im just feeling a little confused, heads hurting. I got so nervous waiting to see her then I dont even speak properly about the self-harm.

[Guest ca02049]

Well I went to my doctor, told her that I had very little motivation to do anything and that gradually I have been doing less activities each day. She feels that I need to set myself little goals to do each week. I understand what she is saying, but I dont even have the motivation to want to do anything.

I told her that I am self-harming almost everyday. We didnt talk much about it. To be honest she knows that all I can do is wait for some therapy (CBT). Worst thing is I came out from seeing her and was going over everything I had said and thinking I had said something silly. I wish I could have spoke more about the self-harm though. That was my first thought after leaving the doctors, to self-harm.

She was pleased because over the christmas period etc it turned out I hadnt seen her for a month, where before I was going weekly. So I promised her I wouldnt go next week.

Im just feeling a little confused, heads hurting. I got so nervous waiting to see her then I dont even speak properly about the self-harm.

Hi Smile

Can only send a quick message but i'm thinking of you and sorry you couldn't talk about it with her but thats common and i expect she will be aware that is something concerning you.

Please try and think of this as a bad phase you are going through and try and be possitive and set yourself goals. Even if they are only small goals. Maybe try and get involved in activities to distract you? I bought a dance workout DVD which is good fun and keeps me busy. Try and enoucorage yourself that every time you resist (even if its just for 10 mins) its a massive achievement.

Sorry if i'm not much help honey.

Thinking of you :hug:

[Guest smile]

I am just really feeling it at the moment. I wish I could go back and see her just to say exactly how I feel. I just think my mood is on a right downer and if it doesnt change I think I will have to book and appointment for next week. I think I am becoming a little deperate to just see any person, but its easier if its my gp because she is more aware of the self-harm. All the people that I think of texting, I cant because they dont know how far I have gone (self-harm and low moods). The more low I am feeling the more I want to self-harm. I just dont know where to turn. Im thinking of ringing my aunt to meet up tomorrow if she can, just to talk, but I know as soon as I arrange something I will regret it and I will end up going over everything I say. Dont know what to do anymore. I am fed up with myself not working or doing anything. Feel very lazy and starting to doubt I have OCD and that its just me the way I see life. x

[Guest ca02049]

Feel very lazy and starting to doubt I have OCD and that its just me the way I see life. x

Hi again

Ok, typical OCD quote.

Why dont you try writing things down and then giving it to her to read? Maybe that would help rather than actually saying it to her?

You always have people here who you can talk to, i think it would be good to talk to your aunt as its always good to have people who can support you through times like this.

Dont give up hope. Could you try and get a part time job or some volunrty work just to keep you busy. I know when i was at uni i woked in a hospital and it was brilliant as it gives you a chance to help other people. I know its not easy at the moment but maybe try and aim for something like that. Maybe make it one of your goals. Even if its just one afternoon a week.

Your not being lazy at all, i really do empathize with you. Please take care.

:hug:

[Guest smile]

Well I have phoned my aunt and will meet up with her tomorrow. I know I am going to regret it, but at the moment I would rather talk to someone and she wants to understand more anyway. At least that should occupy me for a day not to self-harm.

I am starting to worry I am going to get attached to my gp again. After seeing her today it has set of thoughts of wanting to know she is ok and will be available to me. I did promise not to go next week, but I am already with thoughts of what I am going to do/say. x

[Rachie]

Hi Smile. It's great that you're meeting your aunt. Even though you're worried about it, I'm sure it's a positive thing to do. You can talk to her about it or write things down like ca02049 said. I think the more things you do that occupy and distract you, the better.

Have you made an appointment to see your GP for the week after next? Maybe you would feel better if you knew you had an appointment. I know I feel better when I know when I'm seeing my doctor next.

If you feel you need to see her next week though, I don't think there's anything wrong with that, especially as you're still waiting for treatment. I expect once your CBT starts you won't need to see your GP so much.

Take care of yourself and hope it goes well tomorrow with your aunt.

xx

[Guest ca02049]

Have you made an appointment to see your GP for the week after next? Maybe you would feel better if you knew you had an appointment. I know I feel better when I know when I'm seeing my doctor next.

If you feel you need to see her next week though, I don't think there's anything wrong with that, especially as you're still waiting for treatment. I expect once your CBT starts you won't need to see your GP so much.

Hi Smile

Completely agree with the above.

How did it go with your aunt today? Thinking of you, let me know how you get on.

Take care

x

[Guest smile]

Hi,

just got back from my seeing my aunt. It went well, I think I needed that break away from routine. I find her quite easy to talk to, which I feel she does with me. She says I can meet up once a week or whenever I feel like it, which was nice.

It hasnt made a difference to my self-harm. Did it before going to meet her and am having thoughts regarding it again. I suppose I am the only one who can stop this. I just feel lost if I dont though. x

[Rachie]

Hi. I'm glad your meeting with your aunt went well! It sounds like you get on really well and it will be good to keep meeting her and talking to her.

It's a shame it didn't help with your self-harm but try not to be too hard on yourself. You've not started your therapy yet - I expect that will be when things really begin to improve a lot for you.

If you can distract yourself enough not to do it or to put it off until tomorrow, that's great, but you're not failing if you can't do that.

Do you ever play on the games in the arcade? I find them quite addictive and they help to distract me sometimes when I feel bad.

Take care,

x

[Guest smile]

Thanks,

I am now going over all the conversations we had and wish I hadnt have said things. It so stupid because otherwise it went fine.

I have self-harmed again. I keep feeling like I should tell a friend about the self-harm as I feel I am being dishonest. However I know if I told her I would find it difficult to even look at her in the face. I feel like I have let her down. So why do I keep having the urge to tell her?

I dont know what else to do. Its like I wish I could speak to someone and tell them exactly how I feel, but I know I could never do that without regretting it afterwards. Just been feeling like this all week and I dont know how much more of it I can take. x

[Guest ca02049]

Thanks,

I am now going over all the conversations we had and wish I hadnt have said things. It so stupid because otherwise it went fine.

I have self-harmed again. I keep feeling like I should tell a friend about the self-harm as I feel I am being dishonest. However I know if I told her I would find it difficult to even look at her in the face. I feel like I have let her down. So why do I keep having the urge to tell her?

I dont know what else to do. Its like I wish I could speak to someone and tell them exactly how I feel, but I know I could never do that without regretting it afterwards. Just been feeling like this all week and I dont know how much more of it I can take. x

Try and go on your initial thought - that you said it was successful and you are pleased you went. Think it sounded really positive and would be a great idea to meet up with her on a regular basis. You haven't let anybody down, only tell your friend if you think you are able too - dont put so much pressure on yourself.

You have friends on here you could talk to if you need to talk about things, please PM any time if you need to chat.

Stay dtrong and rememeber this WILL pass, just give it time and dont put pressure on yourself so much.

Take care honey x :hug:

[Rachie]

Hi Smile, I agree with Honey - try to remember how you felt initially, and try not to pressure yourself so much.

I know what you mean about feeling you should tell friends. I have only told a few friends about my OCD and they don't know many details. I think you should only tell people if you want to, if you think it can help you.

Have you got any books on self-harm? I just did a quick search on Amazon and found this - http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0...9688208-5363817

It might be useful to you?

Keep posting and try to keep smiling!

Rach xx

[Guest ca02049]

Hi Smile, I agree with Honey - try to remember how you felt initially, and try not to pressure yourself so much.

Hi Rach,

Sorry to cause confusion this is ca02049 not honey! :lol:

Was calling smile honey. Sorry to cause confusion there! :lol:

[Rachie]

Sorry for being confused - I think I'm half-asleep!

Smile, Radio 1 are doing a show about self-harm this Sunday on the Sunday Surgery - here's a link to their homepage - http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio1/onelife/health.../selfharm.shtml

Hope that will be of interest to you and others.

Rach xx

[Guest smile]

Thanks for the links Rachie, I will have a look.

Well yesterday I managed to go without self-harming. So I have given my arms a chance to heal, but I am getting more thoughts today. I dont like to see my skin healing and I dont know why. Maybe because deep down I am still not happy. I have lots of thoughts ticking over in my mind at the moment.

No one need reply, just need to do this for a release. x

[Guest smile]

Sorry I gave in. There was just too much tension. I am feeling so lazy with myself. I am only getting once a day for about an hour and thats it. I am not even doing as much exercise anymore. Just have no motivation at all.

This has given me such a release, but I know I shouldnt be doing it x