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Hi, 

I feel guilty and stupid for coming back. People will probably hate me even more after this, but I feel like sh!t (I apologise for my language!) and have no one else to talk about this.

For the past days I've been struggling with a new form of my obsessions of being attracted to children and animals. This new form is mainly being completely sure that I am what I fear: a paedophile, a zoophile and an abuser.

Last night, while trying to fall asleep, I felt that I was indeed a paedophile - it came as a fact. I even felt that I was okay with being that person and with acting on my thoughts. I felt no shame, anxiety or remorse. I felt like there was nothing wrong with that. 

Then this morning, while wasting my time on social media, I saw lots of posts about animals - not in a creepy way. You won't believe me but what I felt was real sexual attraction. I swear I had thoughts like this one: "I want to have sex with that dog!" and I thought that there was nothing wrong with it. 

I know this sounds ridiculous but I don't know who I am anymore. I have no moral values: I feel like I truly want all these things; I feel like they don't disgust me anymore; I feel like I have to and want to act on them. 

 

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Hey Cora,

you've been getting a lot of harsh responses/words lately so I want to just start by saying that I really don't mean to be harsh at all. I'm saying this in the nicest way possible, ok?

We are stuck in a cycle right now. These thoughts/urges/feelings come to you and you think it's something new and different each time. You're told every single time that it is the same old OCD and that you need to treat it as such and do your best to move on, engage in something different etc. You don't seem to fully trust this advice. It feels real to you so that is understandable. But you think people have misunderstood or they just simply don't believe that you did/thought/felt what you did. But that isn't the case. For example, you don't have to swear that you had a thought, I 100% believe you did.

You say you want to listen to the advice, treat it as OCD and let it go. Yet this time it feels so real, this time it's different. "This time" is basically every time. You can ask these questions over and over again and the answer will always be the same.

You need to just take a leap of faith. Just do it. Trust us and trust your therapist.

You have all the information Cora, you have the support in place now, you just need to start working.

 

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4 minutes ago, Cora said:

Thank you, @malina, @Hdigtts and @OxCD

I'm struggling to accept that it's all the same thing. I just wish it (the feelings and urges) didn't change so badly every single time; I wish they had like a pattern and didn't feel worse and worse day by day. 

Sorry Cora, but you are keeping these thoughts and urges alive through your reactions. There is sadly no wishing for it to get better, you have to make it better. You have to build some resilience to these problems and that comes through continued practice of eliminating compulsions, letting go of the thoughts and so on and on. There is no time like the present to get started.

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On 18/01/2021 at 23:32, Cora said:

Thank you, malina. 

I'm sorry if I made you, or anyone else, feel angry or frustrated with another post. 

We’re not angry or frustrated. We want you to get better so we keep telling you how. You are going to have to listen eventually as it will keep on getting worse if you keep indulging your compulsions. It’s **** but the only way to get out of this loop is by ignoring your urges.

Edited by Ashley
Edited because bypass swear filter
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Please, don't be angry with me but I'm really struggling with this today:

23 hours ago, Cora said:

I feel like I truly want all these things; I feel like they don't disgust me anymore; I feel like I have to and want to act on them.

The arousal now feels emotional as well, if that makes sense. So it's not just groinal responses but also feelings of love or something similar. 

I'm working on accepting this as OCD but I'm struggling quite a lot today. 

Edited by Cora
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43 minutes ago, Cora said:

Please, don't be angry with me but I'm really struggling with this today:

The arousal now feels emotional as well, if that makes sense. So it's not just groinal responses but also feelings of love or something similar. 

I'm working on accepting this as OCD but I'm struggling quite a lot today. 

@Cora It is hard. I’m having to do the same. I think my phone’s contaminated. But I must ignore it and carry on. It is so hard but you can do this. It will feel like a struggle - but it will make you feel better before long.

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Cora, do you realise that if you continue to respond to these things in this way, things won't improve?

Do you realise that no answer here will make you feel better?

Do you understand that you will have to change how you react?

Do you understand that compulsions are keeping things as bad as they are?

Try not to answer with a "Yes but....".  Try not to give an example.  Try not to make an apology.  Just try and have a think about the questions :)

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8 hours ago, OxCD said:

@Cora It is hard. I’m having to do the same. I think my phone’s contaminated. But I must ignore it and carry on. It is so hard but you can do this. It will feel like a struggle - but it will make you feel better before long.

I'm really sorry that you're struggling as well, @OxCD. I hope you can stay strong. 

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I'm sorry. I feel terrible and I'm starting to realise that there is no way out for me. 

So last night I felt calmer compared to the other nights. I was watching a movie together with my brother and things seemed under control. Then he sat next to me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I kissed him back and felt happy because it seemed normal as no sexual thought or feeling was present. However, 5 minutes later I realised that I had this feeling in my body that can only be described as a "good feeling". I felt like I wanted to kiss him again because of that, but fortunately I didn't. 

While trying to fall asleep I realised that I actually want to kiss my brother again in the morning. But only for sexual reasons. I realised that I really wanted to do it. And here I am, trying to control myself, trying to not do it. 

I know people will probably be angry to see this again and I'm sorry for that. 

Edited by Cora
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10 minutes ago, Cora said:

I'm sorry. I feel terrible and I'm starting to realise that there is no way out for me. 

So last night I felt calmer compared to the other nights. I was watching a movie together with my brother and things seemed under control. Then he sat next to me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I kissed him back and felt happy because it seemed normal as no sexual thought or feeling was present. However, 5 minutes later I realised that I had this feeling in my body that can only be described as a "good feeling". I felt like I wanted to kiss him again because of that, but fortunately I didn't. 

While trying to fall asleep I realised that I actually want to kiss my brother again in the morning. But only for sexual reasons. I realised that I really wanted to do it. And here I am, trying to control myself, trying to not do it. 

I know people will probably be angry to see this again and I'm sorry for that. 

Stop indulging compulsions @Cora. Be strong.

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1 hour ago, Cora said:

I realised that I really wanted to do it. And here I am, trying to control myself, trying to not do it. 

This is great, you are recognising the problem and working at not engaging in the compulsive behaviour.  How did you get on?

 

1 hour ago, OxCD said:

Stop indulging compulsions @Cora. Be strong.

The problem for many that use our forums, they are struggling and may not have had therapy to equip them with the skills and tools to understand their OCD and engage in alternative ways to challenge the OCD, so simply stop doing compulsions is not always that easy.  It's important we don't equate not engaging in compulsions as being strong too. We have so much strength already living with OCD, we get up each day knowing what lays ahead and we still get up anyway, so the strength is there already.  

 

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3 minutes ago, Ashley said:

The problem for many that use our forums, they are struggling and may not have had therapy to equip them with the skills and tools to understand their OCD and engage in alternative ways to challenge the OCD, so simply stop doing compulsions is not always that easy.  It's important we don't equate not engaging in compulsions as being strong too. We have so much strength already living with OCD, we get up each day knowing what lays ahead and we still get up anyway, so the strength is there already.  

 

I agree with you in part Ashley but not entirely :)

The above is particularly applicable to someone who is new to the condition but as time goes on we do have a personal responsibility to begin the process of putting into practise that which we learn.  A Therapist is certainly helpful but much work can be done alone, even if it is starting with very small changes but changes have to come, despite the anxiety it provokes.  Cora is currently seeing a therapist and is struggling to work with the advice.  Even with the best therapist in the field those changes must come, we can't wait to feel certain before we try, it always takes some leap of faith even in the face of fear

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I don't disagree with any of that, but if you were to tell me to stop doing my compulsion that would not help me at all, nor stop me doing them.  But, and you have done this to help me and many others over the years, you would help me look at what I am doing and why and help me explore alternative ways of handling that situation.. that's the point I was getting at.

It does require input from me, but 'stop doing compulsions' which we see a lot on here, and we hear stories of therapists saying that is never overly helpful in my experience.  

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Taking it a step further though, we do have to stop doing it.  If the information, the explanations are there, there does come a point where we do have to try and work at reducing compulsions.  This is very different to someone just coming along and saying "Just stop it", with no further work or explanation.  

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3 hours ago, Ashley said:

This is great, you are recognising the problem and working at not engaging in the compulsive behaviour.  How did you get on?

I'm afraid this wasn't/isn't a compulsive behaviour. It's wanting to act on a thought/urge which makes the whole thing much more serious. 

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Just now, Cora said:

I'm afraid this wasn't/isn't a compulsive behaviour. It's wanting to act on a thought/urge which makes the whole thing much more serious. 

I'm sorry Cora but you are wrong.  You are making the same mistake that most sufferers do, that they are convinced that "in their case" it is something more serious.

How are you doing with your therapist?  I wonder if you have any thoughts about why she hasn't considered you a danger and reported you to the relevant authority?

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1 minute ago, Caramoole said:

How are you doing with your therapist?  I wonder if you have any thoughts about why she hasn't considered you a danger and reported you to the relevant authority?

Well, I haven't spoken to her since last week. I've increased my medication recently and we've decided that we would wait for it to kick in and help me calm down a bit before going back to therapy. 

There's always time for her to report me. 

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Cora,

I think we are all just going around in the same circles. When people do give you advice and engage meaningfully, you mainly come back and say "thank you, I understand" and then in the same post follow that by adding more detail to your latest confession.

Then we get into a loop where people keep trying to show you how you need to change, followed by you trying to convince everyone how you're this monster/abuser/pedophile/whatever and then we start on a number of posts with reassurance. This ultimately leads to frustration and you think people are angry with you.

I'm not angry at all and I don't want to criticise you, but I'm at a bit of a loss about how to move forward. I feel very sorry that you are still suffering so much. You are always welcome to seek help here Cora, but I think it would be helpful to meet us half way at least. Otherwise I fear that we are just going to spend even more months repeating the exact same things.

This is the third therapist you have seen, and still no change in your thinking or how you handle things. I think that you really need to realise that you need to open up to people's advice. Not to just say thank you, but to actually listen and implement what they tell you. You have to change your approach.

Edited by malina
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3 hours ago, Ashley said:

I don't disagree with any of that, but if you were to tell me to stop doing my compulsion that would not help me at all, nor stop me doing them.  But, and you have done this to help me and many others over the years, you would help me look at what I am doing and why and help me explore alternative ways of handling that situation.. that's the point I was getting at.

It does require input from me, but 'stop doing compulsions' which we see a lot on here, and we hear stories of therapists saying that is never overly helpful in my experience.  

I’ve spent a long time engaging with @Cora in the past in detail. To jump in and say we’re not offering the best advice is somewhat presumptuous. @Cora is at a stage where she does need to be strong and resist compulsions. I’m not denying someone has strength just for getting up and getting on. But beating compulsions does take courage and @Cora does need to try being more disciplined with herself. And that does take even more strength - and pussy footing around that to not offend would quite frankly not be ethical. And as someone who has beaten OCD in the past - there does come a point where you need to take a leap of faith and show tremendous guts.

Edited by OxCD
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