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51 minutes ago, Cora said:

There's always time for her to report me. 

I wasn't going to respond to this because I feel really bad for the harsh messages you've gotten lately and I don't want to be harsh (I'm not trying to be!). But here goes..

@Caramoole made a very good point and when you come back with a response like the one above, I think to myself "Cora isn't going to listen to reason, we can't have a useful discussion about her problem" and then I feel as though I have nothing left to contribute other than to tell you that you have to change your response.

Please don't apologise, I'm not mad, I don't hate you. How you react has no consequence on my life other than me trying to help. But just try to see it from my perspective. You're taking the time to seek help and you're getting it, why not engage with it?

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3 hours ago, Caramoole said:

What is it that you're hoping for/looking for from the forum?

Cora, I have a question too! (Well a couple actually)

Firstly, can I ask why, when you've been asked questions, you spend an age to answer, if at all? (Caramoole asked you a question 3 hours ago, & you have been frequenting the thread, but as yet, no reply?)

Secondly, I have been having real problems sleeping, & have been visiting the forum during both normal & unsociable hours, & see you do similar, but you seem to spend the majority of your time looking at the "user list", "your own profile", & threads/historic threads that you have made? 

It is up to you, but I am just intrigued???.... Is this part of your OCD too? As in obsession, or ritual perhaps?

 

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33 minutes ago, felix4 said:

Firstly, can I ask why, when you've been asked questions, you spend an age to answer, if at all? (Caramoole asked you a question 3 hours ago, & you have been frequenting the thread, but as yet, no reply?)

Most of the time I don't have answers. Or at least, I don't have answers that make sense. 

34 minutes ago, felix4 said:

but you seem to spend the majority of your time looking at the "user list", "your own profile", & threads/historic threads that you have made? 

It is some sort of ritual. But I can't explain its logic or importance. 

I don't want to be mean but I feel weird now that you've asked these questions, felix. And now I have to ask if you think I'm a weirdo?  

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4 hours ago, Caramoole said:

What is it that you're hoping for/looking for from the forum?

I would be lying if I said that I'm not looking for reassurance most of the time. 

I guess you, Caramoole, and malina are right. I need to take a moment and properly understand what it's happening and how I can help myself using the advice I've been given. 

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49 minutes ago, Cora said:

I would be lying if I said that I'm not looking for reassurance most of the time. 

I guess you, Caramoole, and malina are right. I need to take a moment and properly understand what it's happening and how I can help myself using the advice I've been given. 

That's a good start Cora :) And starting is the first place.

There are many people here who care about your welfare......and part of that involves not allowing you to self-destruct.

I'm going to be asking these questions Cora because we've got to get to a place where you question yourself, where you have to look at OCD as an Illness rather than being drowned by the fears that it convinces us are real.  You've been warned :D :hug:

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1 hour ago, Cora said:

 I don't want to be mean but I feel weird now that you've asked these questions, felix. And now I have to ask if you think I'm a weirdo?  

A weirdo?.... No, not all!

I just think that there is probably a bit more going on with your OCD, as in, underlying rituals, & it worth telling your therapist about.

My OCD started following a traumatic event in about 2003/04 with handwashing. Before long, I had literally every theme going with so many compulsions/rituals, & OCD was dominating about 90% of my time. Knowing what I know now about OCD, I am certain I had it pretty much most of my life to a far lesser degree, & thought it normal to have anxiety & compulsions.

Like I said, it is worth telling your therapist, because then they will get a better picture.

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Hi, 

I'm sorry to be back but today is another bad day and I think I need some support. 

I've had terrible thoughts and urges since I've woken up. They won't stop no matter what. Here are a few good examples:

1. I was talking to my cousin, who lives in a different country, via whatsapp. She is 16 and that makes the whole thing so much worse than you'd think.

She was in the kitchen cooking and at one point, because it was too hot in the room, she took her jumper off leaving her in only a t-shirt which was easily defining the form of her breasts. A couple of minutes later, her dad entered the room and I strongly believe that he stared at her in a creepy, sexual way. (I might by wrong about him but I lived with them for 2 years when I was her age and he used to do the same thing to me every single time I would wear something that would accentuate my female parts.) As soon as I saw him looking at her in that way I started having some very disturbing incestuous thoughts. The problem is that it didn't bother me until 5 minutes later. I didn't mind the thoughts at all, and even though you might not believe me, I think I even enjoyed them. 

2. My mum had to go shopping and when I went to make myself a cup of tea I saw her changing her clothes. I immediately felt a feeling that can only be described as a "nice feeling". A normal person would ignore that and go back into their room. Do you know what I did instead? I behaved like a total creep by staring at her for like 15 seconds, and probably enjoying the "nice feeling". 

These are only two examples but there are so many more... 

I feel terrible and not because I have these thoughts but because I don't react to them as I used. I don't feel disgusted by them anymore, quite the opposite really - it feels like I really like them now. 

I've been feeling very suicidal for the past days. Unfortunately (or not), I now have a method that I can easily use to kill myself and I'm so sure I'll do it any time soon. I don't want to be here anymore if I have to live the rest of my life like this. 

I'm really sorry. I've tried my best to ignore this but I'm weak. I wanted to have a productive day today but I can't even move. 

Edited by Cora
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Something even more terrible happened.

So my brother came into my room and started hugging and kissing me. I kissed and hugged him back but while doing that I had very strong groinal responses which created a huge pressure in that area. 

After he left I felt like I had to get rid of that pressure so I squeezed my thighs together. But I felt like I would rather have sex with my brother (to get rid of it) than squeezing my thighs together. 

This is so messed up. I've done something bad again, haven't I? Please, help me.  

 

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10 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

You need to curb your desire for reassurance every time you have a new obsession. You need to learn to stand without us holding you up.

Get going with your life today. Have a good one.

But, polarbear, this is really bad. 

I know this is disturbing to hear but I really felt like I wanted to have sex with my brother. And that's why I squeezed my thighs together. 

I'm really sorry. 

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You think it's disturbing to hear. But it's not. Your OCD tries its best to convince you that these situations are evil and despicable. To us, they're not.

You have no reason to be sorry. Stop being sorry. Stop saying you are sorry. We have all either experienced what you are going through or have heard it countless times.

Do you realize that you have had hundreds of these obsessions? That each time, they seem like the worst possible thing you could experience? That you are sure when you tell us that we will finally call you disgusting?

But it never happens. And it never will. 

The reason each experience seems so bad is not because it is in reality. It only seems so bad because you react badly to it. 

Time to realize you are stuck in a loop. Realuze that those hundreds of obsessions are really all the same.

Take a breath and get on with your day.

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1 hour ago, PolarBear said:

You think it's disturbing to hear. But it's not. Your OCD tries its best to convince you that these situations are evil and despicable. To us, they're not.

You have no reason to be sorry. Stop being sorry. Stop saying you are sorry. We have all either experienced what you are going through or have heard it countless times.

Do you realize that you have had hundreds of these obsessions? That each time, they seem like the worst possible thing you could experience? That you are sure when you tell us that we will finally call you disgusting?

But it never happens. And it never will. 

The reason each experience seems so bad is not because it is in reality. It only seems so bad because you react badly to it. 

Time to realize you are stuck in a loop. Realuze that those hundreds of obsessions are really all the same.

Take a breath and get on with your day.

Thank you, @PolarBear. Thanks to your words I've calmed down. But I still feel like I did something terrible. And the weirdest thing is that this is all my fault; all this creepy behaviour is all my fault. 

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Hey Cora,

a few things. First of all, can you please stop saying sorry all the time? Can you just try and take this out of your vocabulary for now, please? Out of all your confessions and everything else, the thing that really bugs me is the constant apologising. Why is that? Because it's another way of putting yourself down. This isn't your fault, you have an illness, these horrible thoughts and even your compulsions aren't your fault. At least with us, in the OCD community, you have no reason to be sorry for having awful thoughts and urges.

8 minutes ago, Cora said:

And the weirdest thing is that this is all my fault; all this creepy behaviour is all my fault. 

Again, no. No no no. Stop it. You really need to talk to your therapist about these incidents where you think you have done something wrong. This is a big sticking point for you and you need to work on it.

3 hours ago, Cora said:

A couple of minutes later, her dad entered the room and I strongly believe that he stared at her in a creepy, sexual way. (I might by wrong about him but I lived with them for 2 years when I was her age and he used to do the same thing to me every single time I would wear something that would accentuate my female parts.)

I'm sorry that you and your cousin have experienced this. Have you ever tried to talk to anyone about it, like your mum?

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1 hour ago, malina said:

Again, no. No no no. Stop it. You really need to talk to your therapist about these incidents where you think you have done something wrong. This is a big sticking point for you and you need to work on it.

I don't want to pe a pain in the neck but I'm afraid I will. I just can't stop thinking that I did something bad. I acted on some (sexual) feelings that were centered around my brother. I hate to keep saying this but I really felt like I wanted to have sex with him, and even though that bothers me now, it didn't when that incident happen. 

1 hour ago, malina said:

I'm sorry that you and your cousin have experienced this. Have you ever tried to talk to anyone about it, like your mum?

Yes, I talked about it to my mum and she tried to have a conversation with him but I don't think he really gets it. That's one of the many reasons why I moved out from their place and moved back with my parents. 

Edited by Cora
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57 minutes ago, Cora said:

Yes, I talked about it to my mum and she tried to have a conversation with him but I don't think he really gets it. That's one of the many reasons why I moved out from their place and moved back with my parents. 

That is unfortunate. But well done to you for telling your mum and well done to your mum for listening to you and taking action.

58 minutes ago, Cora said:

I don't want to pe a pain in the neck but I'm afraid I will. I just can't stop thinking that I did something bad. I acted on some (sexual) feelings that were centered around my brother. I hate to keep saying this but I really felt like I wanted to have sex with him, and even though that bothers me now, it didn't when that incident happen.

I get it Cora. I really do understand. But I'm not sure what to say besides the same thing that we all say every time - treat it as OCD, stay calm, move on. I know you don't see it as OCD and I really don't know how to get through to you on this one. That is why I keep saying please bring it up again in your next therapy session. I think these incidents are a huge stumbling block for you and you need to learn some techniques to evaluate them differently and to learn how to let them go.

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What is it you're wanting Cora?

No-one is going to agree with you and tell you you're a wicked, evil creature.  No-one is going to give reassurance.  Nothing is going to change.  So what do we do?  The advice won't change and there aren't really many more ways to explain the same thing.

The only thing that must start to change is you.  You've seen several therapists and the advice from the forum for a couple of years.  You can't wait to feel convinced before you start to change how you currently deal with this.  You have to make some of those changes and then the forum can help you to work through them.

What is it you're waiting for?

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Thank you, @malina and @Caramoole

6 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

What is it you're waiting for?

I was definitely waiting for reassurance but that doesn't work so I'll try and move on. Despite the shame and guilt, I'm feeling a lot calmer so hopefully things will be better tomorrow. 

I hope I haven't upset you too much. 

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1 minute ago, Cora said:

I hope I haven't upset you too much. 

Of course not! There is nothing to be upset about :) But do try to move on and please, please speak to your therapist. I know you have to wait a bit, but when is your next appointment?

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1 minute ago, malina said:

Of course not! There is nothing to be upset about :) But do try to move on and please, please speak to your therapist. I know you have to wait a bit, but when is your next appointment?

I'm going to text her on Monday and hopefully it will be soon. 

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The problem is Cora that it's not really enough to say you'll try to move on.  You need some sort of a plan.  You have to decide what you're going to try and do when one of these thoughts hit you, so that you're prepared.  Things like " When I get one of these thoughts I tell someone or rush to the forum to get reassurance.  It's been explained how this is a compulsion and how it makes things worse, so I'm going to try & recognise what's happening (even if it feels terrifying and real) and I'm going to try and sit with the anxiety for a while and try hard not to start going over it in my mind."  You need to get a pen and paper and work out a few goals that you can start to work towards.

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6 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

The problem is Cora that it's not really enough to say you'll try to move on.  You need some sort of a plan.  You have to decide what you're going to try and do when one of these thoughts hit you, so that you're prepared.  Things like " When I get one of these thoughts I tell someone or rush to the forum to get reassurance.  It's been explained how this is a compulsion and how it makes things worse, so I'm going to try & recognise what's happening (even if it feels terrifying and real) and I'm going to try and sit with the anxiety for a while and try hard not to start going over it in my mind."  You need to get a pen and paper and work out a few goals that you can start to work towards.

I don't know if you believe me, @Caramoole, but I tried to sit with the anxiety and not come here for reassurance. I didn't try hard enough though, I know. The reason why I gave in so quickly, I think, was that I thought people had to know how terrible I am. Also I thought that if I hide something so important, I'm hiding who I truly am. 

Edited by Cora
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And what are you hoping to come from that Cora?  Do you want us to tell you how terrible it is?  Do you want us to report you to the authorities?  What do you want us to do with that information, what are you expecting?

No-ones batted an eyelid before, they didn't this time, they won't next time.  I suspect that you're really doing it as a safety measure and for some reassurance, which we can't give.

I'd like to see you come back here with a plan, with a small list of the goals that you're going to set yourself over the next week and what things you're going to try and do in order to achieve them :)

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1 hour ago, Caramoole said:

I'd like to see you come back here with a plan, with a small list of the goals that you're going to set yourself over the next week and what things you're going to try and do in order to achieve them

Okay, this is going to sound dramatic but here goes my list:

1. At the moment I'm feeling quite suicidal - I really hope I don't do something bad to myself even though I really feel like I want to as it's hard to see a better way out, especially these days. 

2. If something similar to today happens, I will try to react in a different, which is not coming here and looking for reassurance. I will try to use other methods, such as going outside for a run or a walk. 

3. Spend more time with my brother even though that is not my favourite thing at the moment. 

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