Feeling really anxious and rubbish today

[lonelygirl91]

I feel sick and my stomach is churning. So today I thought; what if I'm lesbian/bi but always repressed it growing up? When I was growing up the LGBT movement wasn't as big as it is now, but I always knew that people were gay or bi. I'm 29 now. I keep thinking back to my teenage years; did I have any crushes on girls or women? When I was 12 or just turned 13, I really admired a female teacher at school. I don't know if it was a "crush" but I always wanted to be around her. I didn't think about her in a sexual or romantic way I don't think because I was a child and she was an adult and I didn't start thinking about things like that till I was older, like 13, almost 14. This teacher was really lovely and kind to me and I really enjoyed talking to her and wanted her attention. I told my mum about it years ago and she said it's completely normal and not a sign of being into women. Like I said, I don't think that I thought about that teacher in that way as I was really young.

When I was 13, I started becoming interested in boys. I was a late bloomer and didn't want to grow up. I got my period at 12 and hated when my family said I was a woman when I still felt like a little girl. I still played with my Beanie Babies until I was like 13! I also told my brother when I was about 12 that I never wanted to have a boyfriend. He just laughed and told me that I'd change my mind. I thought that things like sex and kissing were gross.

My first big crush was on Leonardo DiCaprio after I watched Titanic. I kept thinking about how good-looking he was and thought about dating him when I was older. Then I started being into boys. I had a crush on two boys in my drama club when I was 14. Unfortunately one of them, I wouldn't have been able to date then as he was 18 and that would be illegal. I had a crush on this other boy but he had a girlfriend. I had a crush on a childhood friend (a boy) when I was about 15, but he didn't fancy me back. When I had these crushes, I thought about kissing and dating them, but not about having sex with them. I only started thinking about sex when I was 17 or 18. Is that normal? Like I said I was a bit of a late bloomer. There were girls at school who lost their virginity when they were 14 or 15. 

I don't remember having crushes on girls. I had a friend at uni who was bi and she said at school she was in love with her female friend. I never fancied any of my female friends. I looked at girls, but more that I admired their figures especially as I was overweight. There were certain girls who I admired, but more that I wished that I could be like them. I was always excited to be around boys and was disappointed when I couldn't be. I didn't like being around girls all the time especially being at an all girls school. We were meant to have a joint sixth form with boys and I was so excited! Unfortunately my school tried hard to limit interactions between boys and girls, so that was a big blow to me. I was scared that being around girls all the time, I would turn into a lesbian. There were two boys that I really fancied from the boys school but they didn't reciprocate my feelings. I really wanted a boyfriend. I was so excited for the end of year party where there would be boys and I remember I was so upset when none of the boys showed any interest in me. I came home and cried. 

When I was at school there was this nasty girl who used to be my "friend" and she started spreading really nasty rumours about me; saying I was bi because "I looked at girls." She'd make up really horrible and pathetic things about me like saying I was a copycat because I wore skirts (she acts like she invented skirts) and had the same scarf as her (which my mum bought me ages ago from Primark before I even met her and most of the girls had the same items from Primark). She was really nasty. I worry what if there was any truth in the rumour or she made it up because she was pathetic and immature and projecting her insecurities onto me. I never considered myself bi at school (I don't think).

When I was older I was exposed to more LGBT things (the song I Kissed A Girl by Katy Perry came out when I was at school and was really popular) and a friend of mine (she's completely straight) made us watch this movie about a lesbian romance which she thought was really good (I wasn't that interested in the film) and she kept talking about how she would kiss Katy Perry and about female celebrities she would do a sex scene with. This friend is straight by the way! I went through a stage of being "bi curious" when I was 18, but it didn't go further than thinking about what it would be like to kiss a girl. I think it was probably influenced by the media. I drunkenly kissed and touched a girl when I was drunk at uni. I don't remember it but I was terrified, anxious and confused after it happened. I was scared that I was a lesbian. That was 10 years ago and I've never had any other same sex experiences nor do I want to. In a way it's a reassurance; if I really wanted to be with a do stuff with a girl, I'd do it again!

I keep thinking what if I was conditioned to be straight when I was growing up and had lesbian feelings. Now society is more open-minded (thankfully) but I still have no desire to be or do stuff with a girl or to explore. I don't come from a religious background and my mum would love to no matter what. I've always been non-conformist (I've never wanted kids and I don't want to get married or be in a relationship for the sake of it) and I do whatever I want to do. I'm not the kind of person who cares what other people think of me. Obviously there are boundaries and I would never do anything that would harm anyone. 

I know that I seem like I'm seeking reassurance and perhaps I am. I worry what if I'm bi/lesbian because of that teacher, me telling my brother that I never wanted a boyfriend when I was 12, not being interested in sex until I was older and the incident with the girl when I was drunk. I wouldn't want to be bi either. I don't want to be straight because that's what society or anyone else wants (though now in liberal and enlightened society you can be whatever sexuality you want), but because it's what I want and feel I am. You'd think because I'm non-conformist and liberal that I'd be open to women but I believe that sexuality is something you're born with. You can't make yourself like something or someone. It's like you can be non-conformist and want to get married because you're in love with someone and see you life with them (I want to get married if I ever find the right guy) not because you feel that you have to get married in order to fit-in and not be looked down on.

 

[lonelygirl91]

Sorry for the long read; I just had so much to say. I actually feel better for writing it all out. Does anyone else feel better when they write out their thoughts and feelings?

[malina]

Hey @lonelygirl91

I'm sorry that you're having such a rubbish day! I see a lot of rumination here, trying to convince yourself that you're not bi, trying to understand how it all started. At the end of the day, you have to let this go. Who cares if you are bi? What is the big deal? I'm not saying that you are but you see this as some kind of catastrophe, but it's actually not such a big deal. Nobody is forcing to be with a partner you don't want.

[lonelygirl91]

10 minutes ago, malina said:

Hey @lonelygirl91

I'm sorry that you're having such a rubbish day! I see a lot of rumination here, trying to convince yourself that you're not bi, trying to understand how it all started. At the end of the day, you have to let this go. Who cares if you are bi? What is the big deal? I'm not saying that you are but you see this as some kind of catastrophe, but it's actually not such a big deal. Nobody is forcing to be with a partner you don't want.

Do I sound bi, straight or gay? I know there's nothing wrong with being bi or gay but I don't want to be. The idea of liking women and being with one doesn't appeal to me but what if I'm repressing it? Like I said there's no problem being bi or gay, but the idea of liking women depresses me and fills me with dread. For me being bi or lesbian would be the end of the world as it means not being able to be with men (well being bi you're obviously into both but you have a limit men to some extent).

Edited January 18, 2021 by lonelygirl91

[malina]

8 minutes ago, lonelygirl91 said:

Do I sound bi, straight or gay? I know there's nothing wrong with being bi or gay but I don't want to be. The idea of liking women and being with one doesn't appeal to me but what if I'm repressing it? Like I said there's no problem being bi or gay, but the idea of liking women depresses me and fills me with dread. For me being bi or lesbian would be the end of the world as it means not being able to be with men (well being bi you're obviously into both but you have a limit men to some extent).

You sound like someone with OCD, who is seeking reassurance

Look, if you don't want to be with women, nobody is going to force you. If you want to be with men, nobody will stop you. Just relax, it's all good. Being bi or lesbian may seem like the end of the world to you, but for you the far far bigger problem is OCD. If you continue with this mindset and compulsions, you're going to lose so much of your life to misery. Focus on overcoming OCD and the whole bi thing won't even come to your mind anymore.

[lonelygirl91]

1 minute ago, malina said:

You sound like someone with OCD, who is seeking reassurance

Look, if you don't want to be with women, nobody is going to force you. If you want to be with men, nobody will stop you. Just relax, it's all good. Being bi or lesbian may seem like the end of the world to you, but for you the far far bigger problem is OCD. If you continue with this mindset and compulsions, you're going to lose so much of your life to misery. Focus on overcoming OCD and the whole bi thing won't even come to your mind anymore.

I see OCD as a chronic illness. My OCD used to be MUCH worse! Before I was put on medication and before therapy, I was a complete wreck! OCD completely dominated my life to the point that I was constantly miserable and had zero quality of life.

Now is much much better but I still have bad periods especially when I'm stressed, bored or lonely. I don't think lockdown really helps as it's an anxious and stressful time for everyone. Also my mum has a scan coming up soon (hopefully there's still no cancer) so I think that's been playing on my mind. I know that my OCD will never go away but like a chronic illness it can be managed and I have periods of remission. 

[malina]

Of course, it's normal for OCD to rear it's ugly head from time to time. It's just that the more you practice coping with it in a constructive way (e.g. not doing compulsions, learning to let go, not catastrophising), the less of an impact it'll have on you. Then it may re-appear less often and, when it does, it won't feel as bad.

I'm sorry about all the stress you're under, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for your mum's scan!

[PolarBear]

Your entire initial post is a result of ruminating. Look at the second sentence. See the question there? That's exactly the type of question that you must not try to answer. 

Doing so is a compulsion and it won't do you any good. It just keeps you stuck.

When you have a question like that pop up, leave it alone. You are under no obligation to answer it.