New Here And Scared

[Just A]

my gran died and she was my rock and losing her I so wanted to die so bad so my OCD said do this to give you a reason to die I am alone scares and worried I had a intrusive thought few weeks back from 20 years ago of me a 20 stone man laying on top of a baby of 7months to 1 year old and saw a flash like a camera my head says someone crept in the house sneaked upstairs put hand around door took pic and then sneaked out taking pic on me laying on baby the vision shows the nappy of and my penis just hitting her privates my doctor and my therapist say one your weight would have caused her and two no one sneaked into your house with a camera to take pic. I am sitting in a dark room crying and scares got a knife and pills I can’t have this to be true.

[Ashley]

Hey Just A,

I am so sorry about your Gran, that is tough for anybody, any time, let alone those of us with OCD during a pandemic.  Are your family there supported each other and you the best they can at the moment?

The OCD you describe is not pleasant, especially when that goes against everything we know as caring individuals.  I don't know if this will give you any consolation (even momentarily), what you describe is something we here so often on the forums and across the rest of our charity, so you're not alone.  The good news is, and I won't pretend for one minute this will be easy, but there is hope, people can and do get better. They learn to manage their OCD better and in time learn to overcome it completely in many cases. There is hope I promise you.

Have you ever had or are on a waiting list for treatment?  Do you feel able to reach out to the NHS for help and support?

We're here to listen if you need to talk things through.

Ashley

[MarieJo]

Sorry to hear you are suffering so badly. You answered it yourself, your OCD is giving you a reason to harm yourself by giving you a false memory. You must not believe the OCD lie, OCD is always attacking us when we are most vulnerable like all bullies do. Your gran would want nothing more than for you to be strong and not let it win. Look after yourself and be kind to yourself. I was beyond devastated when I lost my gran. I didn't speak for a week. It will get easier though and your special bond will never end. I still feel my gran all around me and believe she is my guardian angel. She helps me fight my OCD and has helped me out in very dark times even though she isn't physically around me, she is there and your gran will be too x

[Dave321]

Please help Just A.  He is feeling suicidal.  I am sorry to make this public but I have to do something to help!  Can someone please help ASAP

[felix4]

Hi Dave,

I guess that Just A needs to contact A&E, or his GP, or the Samaritans!

You could also alert the moderators, to see if they can help in any way.

[Dave321]

I did but nobody is online

[felix4]

8 minutes ago, Dave321 said:

I did but nobody is online

Hi Dave,

I just clicked on "report post", & entered some text about your concerns, so hopefully it will flag this thread up to someone. 

[PolarBear]

Ashley is the CEO of OCD-UK. He was the first to answer.

[felix4]

8 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Ashley is the CEO of OCD-UK. He was the first to answer.

I thought that there may have been a private exchange of PM's between Dave321 & Just A, hence Dave321 mentioning "I am sorry to make this public but I have to do something to help!".

[Just A]

Hi all talked to my doctor and she calmed me down thank you all for understanding

Ask 1 Question , would you think someone who you new sneak into my house with a camera and hide behind my door put camera around the door take pictures of me

See I saw a flash when my OCD says I hurt a child by laying on top of her and i was a 20 stone man and she was like 7 months to 14 month old so that's why I wanted to kill myself last night please forgive me sorry

[PolarBear]

Just A, I'm glad you calmed down.

The scenario you described is bizzare to the extreme. Part of you knows that. But OCD loves to twist things into huge deals and make them seem real and threatening. 

What you need to do is leave this alone. Don't get stuck in your head, going over this scenario, and trying to figure out if it is true. That will only suck you deeper down and make you feel worse.

[Just A]

I was diagnosed with OCD intrusive thoughts in 2012 this happened 2001/02 I did not understand OCD I just though I was crazy but realised had OCD since a child my doctor and therapist say the same thing very unlikely to have happened as weight would cause damage and was no camera they said

Thank you polar bear means a lot to me bless you and stay safe 

[MarieJo]

Yes leave it alone. False memories are common in OCD. It did not happen. Let it go. Leave this false memory alone. You did not do this and deep inside you know that.

[Just A]

Sorry been in a bad please tried to commit suicide but yet again failed I just can't get the image of me laying on a baby in the missionary position this is killing me to the point I tried to end it

Doctor therapist say no never happened due to the size and weight difference is that true or am I a monster

[PolarBear]

Not going to answer your question. That's just feeding your disorder. And no answer we give will sstisfy you.

What you need to do is go to the hospital. Right now. You need to get to a safe place. 

Please go.

[Just A]

I am here to say goodbye been crying with my mum begging her to let me go and die I can't live with this torture anymore making me ill living with uncertainty is cruel. I admit I can't remember doing the act and the reason I am here now is to say sorry all I have in my mind was it this way that way I just can't get it I died inside when my gran died 2001 and I have never gotten over her death so I needed a reason to die so my OCD said I did lay on a toddler in missionary position and touched her privates with penis but my aunt the child's grandmother said never happened now I am battling with these thoughts which feel so real and vivid I need to end my life I ask for no one to be mad at me I just can't life like this anymore it's just my mum will take it really bad but she needs to realise I can't live every day in torture and fear. Sorry I have to go 

[felix4]

Hi Just A,

Please dont do anything silly, & instead contact your GP or A&E immediately!

Think about the effect this would have on those closest to you!

You just need the right help! Someone to show you how to fight back against OCD by not engaging with it!

Please take care!

 

[Just A]

Thank you Felix I just don't have the strength anymore to fight it ocd tells me it's not OCD my brain is tired my heart is broken and died long ago just don't understand how 19 years nothing about that thought then bang intrusive thoughts I went wtf now once you think the thought then you have fell for OCD trap then ruminating wheel says yes work time destroy his life I tired need sleep

Edited February 5, 2021 by Just A
Spelling

[Just A]

I broke down today I don't understand how this vivid and detailed with feelings can be all false the memory feels very real I told my family the thought of removing nappy laying on top of her and my penis caught her privates see my head said that I said what have I just touched what have I just hit so to me it's says I went to miss and I have caught her privates 

My family said you have not hurt her in any way maybe squashed her no blood nothing plus your weight would be to heavy for her

So I am leaving ocduk won't be back all this is hurting and has destroyed me so I am going to end it no one can stop me 

What you can't remember and it might be true **** that can't live with the uncertainty so goodbye and forget me as I am not worth it

[SarahW]

Hi @Just A, I’m so sorry that you feel this low. Please don’t give up - you clearly have a family who care about you and want to help you. Get some rest and take care of yourself. Help is available. You can get through this. Don’t let the ocd win.

Much love, Sarah 

[Hal]

Hi Just A,

I'm sorry you're in so much pain, but please believe me when I say the pain you're experiencing will pass...suicide is never the answer. Will you do something for me? Will you give the Samaritans a call on 116 123? You don't have to go into detail about what's causing you so much distress...just say you're struggling with anxiety and OCD, and the person you chat with will help you talk things over. Or if you feel you really might take things further, you must call 999 or ask a member of your family or a friend to give you a lift to A&E for immediate care.

It goes without saying if you'd like to chat to one of the moderating team we're here too, but unfortunately we're not able to be logged on 24/7. But please remember...you can get through this. So many people over the years who have used the forum have been in the same place you are at the moment, and with better care and support are living again without pain. You've got so much to live for, you must reach out for the support that's there for you.

Please take care of yourself.

[Just A]

Thank you for your kind words mean a lot to me

From age of 4 to 29 was physically and mentally abused by a family member then in 1997 he died, on his death bed he confessed to being a serial child rapist which shocked me to the core and even though he abused me I was wtf has just happened everyone ran out the room left me alone with him for 5 minutes or so and the next day bang my first intrusive thoughts started where the hell did that come from scared the hell out of me then 2001 my gran my rock my best friend died that day I died inside broken hearted and the intrusive thoughts then really kicked in omg I saw myself in my head hurting people from babies to old age pensioners that’s when I came a recluse from 2001 to.2006 then my doctor got me a paper round which I loved doing and then in 2011 my life imploded I was talking to kid then had a vision of touching him and I rid home on my bike and told my mum and I cried then I ran and ran away to a bridge to end my life and jump but this woman appeared from nowhere said please don’t jump and she talked me down and she told me I was in my kitchen and she herd a voice please go to the bridge she ignored it then again from nowhere hurd a voice please go to the bridge so she went and found me spooky. ended up in a mental hospital now it’s 2021 10 years on never left house for 10 years scared and felt so alone then a new therapst started home visits got me help i was aged 4 to 18 was physically and mentally abused and bullied from 4 to 16 at school so early life was bad then 1997 to 2021 I have never lived been dead inside just a walking shell I am a quiet shy scared man now scared of my own shadow

One day with my family the therapist and my doctor told me if there was no reaction from the kid it never happened. Cause anyone touched somewhere down then the person would run and tell someone and would never speak to you and go nowhere near you. But the kid still talks to me so they told me it never happened.

See I could of stopped him when I was about 11/12 I headed downstairs herd noise from living room he was in the process of raping my cousin of I had walked in my life would have ended then period but Now I blame myself for what he did to my cousins and basically I blame myself as could have stopped it but after that he began to threaten to stab me for his kicks off

In 2012 I was diagnosed with OCD intrusive thoughts but I new I was ill as a child so did not come to a surprise to me I was self harming my face as people said omg bet he is just like his dad that’s like a red rag to a bull I have took baseball bats anything solid and then smash my face to a point I was black and blue and they where shocking black bruises

Now it’s 2021 in my room decorating still worried and scared but as everyone in the mental health and my doctor say it’s all in my head due to the OCD I have coming to me as the cause of what my father did to me

So I say now do I need to worry or start living and travel the world which was always my dreams but was to scared to do maybe one day

And now get intense intrusive thoughts of hurting baby removing nappy and touching her privates by mistake with penis while laying on her like missionary position but doctor and therapist say impossible as weight would of harmed her so I guess not sure how what happened was it this way or that way it's trying to remember what you can't remember it's hard

Thank you for listening to my thoughts and to everyone with OCD please don’t give up hope is a hugh thing to hold on to God will get you all though the days and nights just hold please don’t let go please survive this illness get well please God bless you all.

[MarieJo]

Just A. You have been through such traumatic events in your life a  and it is not surprising your mental health has suffered as a result. You are NOT your dad. You have never hurt anyone and nor would you. The memories of hurting those innocents are utterly false..you are just punishing yourself for someone elses evil deeds. Your dad was a bad man bad man but you are a good man. Maybe you Also have ptsd? You Really need to find the right help. You deserve to be happy and to find peace. You have a guardian angel Looking out for you hence the lady on the bridge. Your dad has ruined enough do not let him ruin any more. 

Edited February 17, 2021 by MarieJo

[Hal]

Hi Just A,

I'm know you're getting help from your therapist and doctor, but do you also have any support from a community mental nurse? I just wonder, if you haven't....whether it might be worth asking your doctor about having that extra support for if you feel as low as you did last week again. It's really important if you notice your mood slipping....to have someone like that there for you who knows about all you've been through, and can help you before you feel suicidal. 

Take care, Hal

[Just A]

Having really bad day today can't stop crying I self harmed putting a hammer.to my arm and had a long cut, I got that intrusive thought back hurting the baby

OCD says I lay her on the bed removed her nappy took penis out to miss on purpose then lay my 20 stone body on her in the missionary position and hoped I hit her hip/top of leg but I caught her privates area by mistake this was 20 years ago my gran died my dad on his death bed confessed to being a child rapist died then I stated getting really bad intrusive thoughts saying hurt the baby 5 years after his death if not your mum will die so I pretended to hurt her but I missed and caught her privates area by mistake I want to die but seeing my mum crying today stopped me please help I am scared and alone