getting help

[Savy]

    I guess I'm in the need of some encouragement at the moment? You see, I have actually made it my goal this year to finally get treatment for my mental problems. This is something I should of gotten YEARS ago. There was an attempt, but alas, the American healthcare system has failed me. I got diagnosed but that was it. My mother tried to contact some therapists but none of them ever responded. Maybe my mom just gave up after that because she didn't see it as a big deal? I do hide my pain a lot. I get really upset just thinking about back when this happened. I know for a fact that I would be a completely different person today if I had gotten the help I so desperately needed back then. Why did my life have to turn out this way?  Why did my highschool years have to go to waste like that? It hurts all so much knowing how I lost myself and haven't been able to go back since then. Sometimes I still feel like that 13 year old just because of how distressed I was, like I can't move forward. If only I could just go back in time when I was actually happy and do something different, though I know that's impossible. I know I can't just dwell on the past like that either. I gotta move on and not make anymore regrets by getting the help while I have the opportunity to do so! However, I'm worried that things won't go the way I want them to.  I've always had these kinds of fears to begin with. Like what if they think I'm too dangerous to be out in society? They'll ask me if I have any desire to hurt anyone and I probably won't know how to answer. honestly, I don't have a desire, that's why I would be there in there first place but my problem is that it seems that I don't see why murder is wrong. How does that not instantly put me on a watch list? What if I end up in a mental hospital? I'm not even good at explaining things either so it might be hard for them to understand me. Not to mention I'm so naive, I probably won't spot the red flags if I end up getting a bad therapist or something, some tips on that would be appreciated actually...

    One of the biggest motivators I have now is the thought that I could either get help now with the 50/50 chance of getting better or I can just stay home and get worse day by day. Or I look at it this way: I could get help and possibly heal and if they restrain me, I won't be able to kill anyone in the near future and if I don't then I could end up being the next infamous serial killer. Besides all that, I don't want to pass down this opportunity cause I know I'll be kicking myself in the future if I don't.  One thing that is worrying me is that I have to go through my regular doctor first to get a psychiatric appointment. I don't want to tell him much about these struggles because I feel as though they are very personal to me and given the fact that he isn't an expert on OCD (If that's what it is) then he couldn't possibly understand just like my last doctor 5 years ago how told my mother I was homicidal! I get very anxious thinking about this and it makes me want to back down. I have a history of procrastinating to avoid the negative.  What do I even do? Again, I'm naive,  I don't really know how all this works which makes me even more anxious. The only thing I've really done to prepare is that I've been writing in this journal for awhile, trying to explain all my years of experience with this traumatic disease so that maybe I can later give it to a future therapist if I end up getting one I can trust. I'm thinking that hopefully reading it could give them a little more insight of my mind and how I got here in the first place. Does that sound like a stupid idea? I don't know. I just know that I need this. I often find it hard to function with my thoughts and I don't want to live my life like this. OH, here comes the thought, "You won't have to live your life like this if you just end it right here and you won't even care afterwards." Shut up, brain. I don't have time to ruminate though in my head, that thought is logical. weird. Anyways, maybe some of you could share your experiences with seeking professional help for the first time? 

[PolarBear]

All those thoughts you have, yeah but... what if... but... Those are OCD, trying to keep you stuck right where you are.

No to the journal. A qualified therapist doesn't need it. They'll ask the right questions to get the information you need.

I stopped myself from seeking help because I was sure my family would abandon me because of my thoughts and authorities would lock me in a mental hospital or jail. That lasted 39 years.

Then I was forced to seek help. I surrendered. I told everything. None of my fears came true. 

[Nikki79]

PolarBear you are an inspiration and thank you for always helping out on the forum. Thanks so much  

[malina]

Hey Savy,

I think that you really, really should seek professional help. You don't have to tell your doctor all the details. You already have a diagnosis, right? So you can tell them that your OCD is getting worse and you'd like to get professional help for it.

Also, I understand how much pain OCD has caused you and taken from your life. But you have to let go of the past and move forward. Don't let it take even more of your life away. You can do this! Why not call your doctor on Monday morning?

[Savy]

Aye, I just wanna update you guys....

I have an appointment on March 11th, wish me luck!

[malina]

4 hours ago, Savy said:

Aye, I just wanna update you guys....

I have an appointment on March 11th, wish me luck!

That is great news Savy!! I hope it goes well!

[Savy]

I'm kind of nervous. I'm not to sure on how to explain myself.