Struggling

[Nikki79]

Hi guys I’m sorry to be back but I’m just being knocked over by constant questions in my head regarding the possibility that you could still harm your child when having to care for them. For example changing a nappy and getting anxious and being  hypervigilant over the thoughts and then it makes you act more abnormally then someone who wasn’t me would do. I’ve explained all this before to therapists and people have never said I have done bad but I’m questioning all of it again what if I harmed in some way still.  I don’t want to be lured into rumination but do you see how hard it is when it’s your own child and you want to feel like a good Mom . When I wipe her I’ve always been anxious always so it’s always been so difficult. Just some help or someone who gets what I mean would be wonderful. 

[malina]

Hey @Nikki79,

I'm sure that you are a wonderful mother! I think every new parent struggles with something and nobody does it perfectly. You're doing the best that you can and you clearly care a lot. I think the best thing you could do is to try your best to relax and accept that there will be some bad days and that it's all okay. Stay strong xx

[Nikki79]

I just wish I could know that any action I’ve taken hasn’t been a harm action. That seems to be where I get stuck. Like when I wiped her awkwardly was there something weird in that etc. Oh it’s terrible it really is. Like for example I would have weird text thoughts/ feelings  when wiping her and then I think did I wipe her in some way that was weird. Like when is a wipe not a wipe and done in a harmful way. It’s so hard to explain what I’m tying to say 

Edited January 23, 2021 by Nikki79

[malina]

1 minute ago, Nikki79 said:

I just wish I could know that any action I’ve taken hasn’t been a harm action. That seems to be where I get stuck. Like when I wiped her awkwardly was there something weird in that etc. Oh it’s terrible it really is. 

This is soooo OCD though! I do the same thing, just with a different topic. Honestly, for your own good, you need to let it go. It's not easy, I know, but you'll never get 100% certainty.

[Nikki79]

2 minutes ago, malina said:

This is soooo OCD though! I do the same thing, just with a different topic. Honestly, for your own good, you need to let it go. It's not easy, I know, but you'll never get 100% certainty.

I know it so is and it really ambushed me and I’ve asked all about these things before to therapist’s and I hope they understoood me. When I was worried there was anything with stuff I’d done. 

[Caramoole]

Come on Nicki....I know this is really scary but you know the drill.  It's now that you have to put the work in and that is looking at the compulsions you're doing.  You know they won't help you and if you can give this your attention now, you can turn this back around.  Learning to deal with relapses that catch you off guard is the next step in your recovery.  Dig deep Nicki, think about your last therapy and what you need to do.  We're here to support you in your battle.....so come on

[Nikki79]

14 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Come on Nicki....I know this is really scary but you know the drill.  It's now that you have to put the work in and that is looking at the compulsions you're doing.  You know they won't help you and if you can give this your attention now, you can turn this back around.  Learning to deal with relapses that catch you off guard is the next step in your recovery.  Dig deep Nicki, think about your last therapy and what you need to do.  We're here to support you in your battle.....so come on

I would love to be able to handle relapses effectively. I do feel like this is happening for a reason.

According to my therapy Caramoole, I need to Recognize the anxious thought, realize it’s just a thought, accept and allow it, float and feel, let time pass and proceed. I’ve not done this for any length of proper time since this thought question has upset me. I told my Dad not to reassure me and also what I need to. 

I’m anxious as hell Caramoole and feel like a bad person and all these horrible feelings. This is difficult.

 

[Caramoole]

You've got it all identified Nicki, spot on

Now for the hard bit, you have to do your damndest to try and put it into practise.  You've done right to tell your Dad not to reassure you.  It's okay to say you're struggling.  It's fine for him to support you, make you a cuppa, give you a hug generally because you're not feeling great but not for reassurance.

Dealing with relapses is hard, it really catches you out and causes so much disappointment.....but nothing has changed.  That person who has been sailing along happily is still in there....she's just hit a patch of ice.  Take a deep breath and trust yourself.  Really watch out for those internal conversations and do your level best not to get dragged into them.  Stop them (and you can).....your mind will wander back but you pull out again.  Don't try and work this out.  Recognise that thought for what it was.

[Nikki79]

Ok Caramoole I’m going to do this and thank you for your support. 

[Caramoole]

Lots of Luck Nicki....sending you list of positive vibes

[Nikki79]

11 hours ago, Caramoole said:

Lots of Luck Nicki....sending you list of positive vibes

Thanks Caramoole. I’m going to try it for the day and check in later here if that’s ok. Just need a bit of hand holding at the moment my friend. 

[Caramoole]

? There you go Nicki.  

Remember, don't let it catch you by surprise.  Be ready for the flash of fear and think "I know what this is.  It might be wearing a wig & sunglasses, it's still a nasty so-and-so but  I know what it is and it's not beating me"

xxx

[Nikki79]

5 hours ago, Caramoole said:

? There you go Nicki.  

Remember, don't let it catch you by surprise.  Be ready for the flash of fear and think "I know what this is.  It might be wearing a wig & sunglasses, it's still a nasty so-and-so but  I know what it is and it's not beating me"

xxx

I managed pretty big good today. It’s  been on my mind all day but I didn’t stop to ruminate on it

[Caramoole]

Brilliant Nicki 

Take it one day at a time, dealing with it like you did today and you can turn this right back around.  Well Done

[Nikki79]

57 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Brilliant Nicki 

Take it one day at a time, dealing with it like you did today and you can turn this right back around.  Well Done

Thank you so so much for encouraging me and helping me. I’m very grateful