Another fear

[Emmaloowho]

Hi!  It’s been a month or two since I have posted. I have been doing pretty well dealing with my fear of sexually abusing my son. I basically just stopped ruminating and giving the thoughts less power which has really helped. 
 

I’m posting again because another stupid fear has come up. What if I looked at child porn or inappropriate images of kids online. Please understand that I have no desire to do so, but the thought that I could scares me. Like what if I just lose control and type something into my search engine. It horrifies and disgusts me. 
 

I guess I am just wanting a refresher as to how I should handle this. In this day and age when we basically have a computer (our phones) in our presence at all times, it scares me the ease at which I could do this. 

[Hdigtts]

It’s so good to hear the progress you have made on your last fear! That’s got to feel good. 
 

Im no expert but I would say you need to treat this new fear in much the same way. Try to not give the fear the power it craves and move on with your day

[Caramoole]

"What if I lose control and..........?"

The foundation of so many OCD fears.  You could end that sentence with a Trillion different variations and we still wouldn't have covered them all

Try not to treat each variation as different but try to think of it all as being OCD, otherwise you deal with this one, then the  next new thought and the next one.  The content doesn't really matter, they are all intrusive fears.  Try and use the same skills as you have before and don't worry too much as to what it's about

[Emmaloowho]

Despite my efforts I am letting this get to me. It is so frustrating. I know I need to deal with it the same way as all the other thoughts that have plagued me in the past (and as a matter of fact I had this particular fear not too long ago but then another one came along and this one didn’t seem so bad), but I admit I am struggling. Questioning myself and feeling horrible.  I need someone to be tough on me and lay it on the line. I need a swift kick in the pants. 

[Hdigtts]

You know what you need to do, you can catch this before you end up where you were before! Be strong  

[Emmaloowho]

@Hdigtts  and @Caramoole

Thank you so much for you words of encouragement. I just hate feeling like a bad person all of the time. I realize exactly what is going on, but it still gets me with the whispers of questions and self doubt/disgust. 

[Hdigtts]

2 minutes ago, Emmaloowho said:

@Hdigtts  and @Caramoole

Thank you so much for you words of encouragement. I just hate feeling like a bad person all of the time. I realize exactly what is going on, but it still gets me with the whispers of questions and self doubt/disgust. 

I think we have all been there and know how you feel. It is awful but it’s because you care so much that it’s happening. Those thoughts don’t make you a bad person and you shouldn’t judge yourself. I know from experience that that is easier said than done! 

[Emmaloowho]

Well I really appreciate the support. My paranoid self usually starts to panic if I don’t get many responses. I think to myself “well people must have read my post and thought, nope, she’s beyond help.  She’s just way to much of a sicko”. I am fairly sure that’s not the case, but thanks again for responding. 

[Emmaloowho]

I’m so frustrated with this whole thing. This utter nonsense. One minute I KNOW how ridiculous this whole thing is...not just my particular disturbing thoughts of the moment, but the whole OCD thing. I will be feeling good, pretty normal, and then literally the next second my brain goes back to the thought. I try to ignore, move on or continue what I was doing. But my brain insists “but you could do this or that. You COULD.  Even if you don’t want to”

I know I’m not saying anything new or earth shattering.  I just wish I knew why from literally one second to the next, I can go from feeling fine to about the break into tears. Some times I am really good at continuing my day without letting it get to me, and then other times I just feel like I HAVE to stop what I’m doing and complete the thought. To try and determine if it’s true, if I would like (insert horrible thought here), or maybe just to convince myself that I won’t snap and do whatever horrendous thing is going through my mind. 
 

For those of you that feel that you are truly recovered, what was the biggest thing that you did that got you past the last little part of your mind that tells you, “you could” or “you will”?

Please any advice. 

[PolarBear]

The reason this happens is because you have OCD. Full stop.

I know you feel like you have to do things about the thoughts, but you simply don't.  You can leave them alone. You're allowed to.

Practice makes perfect. Keep trying.

[MarieJo]

Polar bear, can I ask how you managed to control your ocd please? What was it that changed for you? Did it take a mo g time? Do you still hold in to past obsessions and guilt or has it all completely gone now?

[PolarBear]

I am on meds but what pushed me to overcome OCD was strict adherence to the principles of CBT. I don't control OCD. For all intents and purposes, I no longer have OCD.

It took me about 18 months to overcome my disorder.

Past obsessions are in the past. I rarrly have new ones and I simplyy do not engage with them.

[Emmaloowho]

@PolarBear

So basically, no matter how real it feels, don’t engage. Don’t take the time to mull it over or think about if you would / could do something?  Just keep going. Right?

[PolarBear]

Yup.

[Caramoole]

On 27/01/2021 at 00:09, Emmaloowho said:

@Hdigtts  and @Caramoole

Thank you so much for you words of encouragement. I just hate feeling like a bad person all of the time. I realize exactly what is going on, but it still gets me with the whispers of questions and self doubt/disgust. 

Trust me...it does that, and don't I just know it!  I know when we give advice to ignore the thoughts, ignore compulsions etc.....we can make it sound  flippant and easy.  I know that it's not....it takes a lot of courage and a lot of trust and faith but it's worth it, even though it's so hard.  Stay strong and keep trying