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Old Face... struggling


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Hi all,

I hope you are well. I’ve been on and off the forums since 2005, but I don’t know the login details for my old account.

Anyway, I’m struggling with my OCD at the moment. This loop I’m stuck on at the moment is... I was looking back over some of my old posts and came across one from 2005 that says:

‘Then today, I had the usual repetitive rubbish mind rituals to 'check' what I had done, which just seems to be 'something' that I do. Later on in the day I was doing something, and I know I was. But then I thought, what did I just do, did I do something terrible, what if I did, if I was dead this would stop, but I dont want to die. I know in my own 'RIGHT' mind that what I done may have been stupid, but thats all, it didnt hurt anyone, and no-one else probably even took any notice of it. Ive said sorry, but the OCD just keeps drilling me, and its doing my nut right in.’

Im going round and round in circles trying to remember what it was I done that may have been stupid... it’s clear from my post that I done something so I don’t doubt that, but it’s really eating me up that I can’t remember what I done.

I don’t know if anyone else has had this kind of thing.

I just need to vent as I really feel like I’m slipping.

J x

 

 

 

 

 

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Hi Jinky,

PB's right..not remembering really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. I know it feels far from unimportant, but you know the supercharged need to know for sure is being driven by our old foe OCD - and at the moment you're using the wrong tools with the compulsion to remember, to try and break the loop. All that's going to guarantee is being stuck in the loop feeling more and more awful. 

The only effective way forward that's going to help you feel better is for you to make the decision to refuse point blank to continue trying to remember. I know that's hard, really hard, but it's genuinely the only way that works.

What you're going through is still the same fear you posted about in 2005..feeling you *must* account for and remember your actions, and if you can't remember them all (no one can, it just isn't possible)) the OCD doubt tries to fill the gap with the worst case scenario. I know the 'repetitive rubbish mind rituals to 'check' what I had done, which just seems to be 'something' that I do.' seems automatic ...but if you can take your foot off the pedal, pause in spite of the anxiety and recognise how much the checking's maintaining the loop (and the anxiety), you can then take the next step when the thought and urge to remember strikes, to recognise your foe, and try to shift your attention to something else. 

It will honestly gradually help.

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I'm really sorry today's been so bad, this is one nasty thing to have to deal with isn't it. I might have made going against the anxiety sound like the simplest thing in the world to do, I know it isn't...it's far far from easy. But if you can hold-off carrying out any compulsion for even as little as 5 minutes...that's a massive win for you and a move in the right direction to keep building on day by day. I *hate* what this disorder does to us, and I really hope tomorrow's a bit better for you. 

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Thanks Hal. I genuinely don’t know how much longer I can do this. 
I think what I’m trying to do, is remember what I was doing to ensure I didn’t do anything terrible. It’s just such a hard hard illness. I really don’t know if I’m strong enough to go through this again.

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5 hours ago, Jinky said:

I think what I’m trying to do, is remember what I was doing to ensure I didn’t do anything terrible. 

I completely agree with there, that's definitely what's happening. But bear in mind the question/thought bit 'did I do something terrible' is intrusive...just as the thoughts and doubts around whether or not something might be contaminated are for me.

I know this is so difficult but you need to try and make room for the feeling of uncertainty around this..the anxiety is making you feel terrible as it is, but by sitting with it while not carrying out the compulsion to go over it...you'll gain so much in the long run.

The thing is too, with the best will in the world even if you needed to remember what it was in 2005 you were writing about (which you don't) after all this time it's incredibly unlikely to the point of being impossible anyone would be able to remember. You've got to actively make the decision enough's enough now...and accept I can't find the answer, I don't need to and I don't want to...for this 'what if' thought whether it be about something 16 years ago or what you were doing a week ago or today. 

Don't fall for the OCD's lie that any gap in your memory must mean the worst, it doesn't. It just means your brain's doing what it's designed to do and only consigning to memory what's important.

I would try for the rest of the day to adopt a zero tolerance policy in response to the urge to go over it, and if you want to ruminate later this evening devote 20 minutes or so and then adopt the zero policy again.

Something else that will also help will be some exposure exercises at some point... but maybe a little later down the line.

5 hours ago, Jinky said:

I really don’t know if I’m strong enough to go through this again.

I'm sure you're more than strong enough...but if you take the right steps you won't have to go through this again.

Please really try to hold firm with the not ruminating and the thoughts will lose their strength along with the anxiety. You can beat this J, you really can. Do what you really need to do and put your health above everying else.

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Thanks for all your support Hal. I feel quite alone in this at the moment and your advice and support means a lot.

It’s still bugging me today, what’s really bugging me is the fact that I’ve written down that I did something that ‘may have been stupid’ and my brain that goes ‘does that mean I done something terrible?’ 

I’ve got a call with my doctor later.

Thanks again, J x

 

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I'm always here to help, anytime. I just wish, I guess we all do...we could wave a magic wand for each other and make it go away. That's obviously not a goer, but the next best thing is the CBT, and for the moment (the erp can wait) you must focus on trying not to figure this out.

Your mind's so used to doing it (as it is for us all) that it will almost reflexively ping straight back to going into the ruminating, but you're in control...you can pause, get the measure of what's happening, refocus and break it. You don't have to answer the question J, you shouldn't answer it...you need to leave it floating around doing its thing while you focus on something else, and gradually it's going to evaporate and stop bugging you.

Remind yourself what you're grappling with is an intrusive question/thought and your reaction to it is being entirely driven by the disorder and keeping you stuck in the loop. Remove the fuel (your attention/ruminating) and it will very gradually come to a halt. I really believe you can get through this, you really can. I hope everything goes okay with your doctor tho? But please give the refocusing a go.

Take care.

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