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A weird one


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Hello everyone,

Recently I've noticed that there is something weird happening with me. I'm not sure if this is an OCD problem so, before I start, I would like to apologise for the details and/or if this post causes you any discomfort. 

I've noticed that almost anything I do or think has some sort of creepy vibe/intention/effect. That makes me feel quite sad and hopeless because I really don't want to be like this but I can't seem to stop it. 

I'll give some examples to explain what I mean. The other day my mum had to go shopping and while she was getting ready to leave the house, including changing her clothes, I seemed to just stare at her and have lots of inappropriate thoughts and urges. I know that this is totally creepy and weird and I feel very bad it happened. 

There was another situation where mum was involved. She was doing some cleaning in the kitchen and at some point she bent over to put something in the bin. As soon as I saw that I felt like I wanted to do something very very inappropriate to her - I can't say what but it was quite disturbing. And I felt like I moved my body towards her which was confusing. 

I feel very embarrased and disgusted to share the following example but I need to know if there is something wrong with me. Okay, here goes. If someone has used the toilet/shower before me and I go after them, I feel like I'm enjoying It in a sick way. I can't explain it but it's a very icky feeling and I can't seem to understand what it is and why it's happening. 

Another example is that I never know why I'm touching (kissing and hugging) my brother or my boyfriend's dog. I never know what my real intentions are. I've spent hours trying to identify my motives but I just can't figure them out. If I am indeed a normal person, I should know that there is no perverted reason behind all the kissing and hugging, right?! But here is the thing, I just don't know. 

I've reached a point where I don't know what my morals are anymore and that terrifies me. As I've said before, I'm not reacting to all these thoughts and urges with fear, shame and guilt anymore; on the contrary, I feel like they define and shape who I truly am. I'm also feeling like I'm slowly coming to terms that maybe I'm actually enjoying all this mess. 

I could go on and on but I think it's better for me stop. Thank you for reading this. 

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Cora, you know no one is going to give you the answer you want. You have to stop posting everything you think/ feel it’s just brings everything to the forefront of your mind your goal now is to not think and analyse this stuff constantly. Getting better does not mean finding an answer. You analysing your motives is exactly what gets you into this mess, I know it feels automatic sometimes but when you catch yourself doing it try and distract yourself.

 

sending you lots of love, you can do this!

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40 minutes ago, Cas24 said:

Cora, you know no one is going to give you the answer you want. You have to stop posting everything you think/ feel it’s just brings everything to the forefront of your mind your goal now is to not think and analyse this stuff constantly. Getting better does not mean finding an answer. You analysing your motives is exactly what gets you into this mess, I know it feels automatic sometimes but when you catch yourself doing it try and distract yourself.

 

sending you lots of love, you can do this!

Thank you, @Cas24. I agree that getting better doesn't mean finding an answer, but at the same time I feel like I need at least one or two answers because everything in my life is messed up at the moment and that is quite a struggle. 

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5 minutes ago, Cora said:

I feel like I need at least one or two answers because everything in my life is messed up at the moment and that is quite a struggle. 

I'm sorry for your struggle Cora, really really sorry...But you do have an answer. You have a diagnosis, you've already been given an explanation by so many knowledgable people. Unfortunately, you don't accept or believe the answer that you got and keep seeking out another one. And this is the problem, I don't think anyone can offer you an alternative explanation besides OCD. When I read your descriptions of the things you experience, they all sound so familiar and so typical to me, and I really wish you could see that. So come on, you've set some goals for yourself this week I believe, how about getting back to working on those? And also, did you manage to book another appointment with your therapist?

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1 hour ago, Cora said:

Thank you, @Cas24. I agree that getting better doesn't mean finding an answer, but at the same time I feel like I need at least one or two answers because everything in my life is messed up at the moment and that is quite a struggle. 

I totally understand that, but to repeat what Malina has said you do have answer that explains it all, OCD. Everything you say resonates with me just like Malina said but you wouldn’t turn round to me or Malina and say to either of us that we don’t have OCD, so please stop saying it to yourself.  At some point Cora you’ve got to change how you react to these things maybe the first step is by not posting in detail, maybe from now on your posts can be ‘had a rough day would like to talk’ instead of your detailed thought process? Little steps all help xx 
 

 

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The ball's in your court now Cora and the next steps have to be made by you.  Until you change how you respond you're going to be very stuck.  I think you need to put all your efforts into working with your therapist and trying to put into practise what she recommends, even if you don't quite believe it will work.

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I have noticed Cora that when you respond to other people's struggles on this forum you are encouraging and knowlegeable of the condition and have pointed out, on numerous occasions, that it's their OCD at play and how challenging the condition is and how it can be so powerful and cause such stong feelings, thoughts and urges. The ironic thing is you do not apply the same logic to your own struggles. I feel you still do not fully accept your diagnoses and that is a big problem for you with your recovery in my opinion.

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Thank you, @malina, @Cas24, @Caramoole and @MarieJo.

I'm not denying that part of my problem is OCD, especially when it comes to my fear about being attracted to children, but I'm not sure that what I'm experiencing these days is still OCD - it just doesn't feel like it. 

Today I'm feeling like I'm going crazy, really. I feel like my fear that I'm an abuser has come true. I was playing with my boyfriend's dog and things seemed pretty normal: there were barely any intruisve thoughts and feelings. But then, of course, the peace and calm of my mind were destroyed by a memory. I remembered that there was a time, about a month ago, where while I was playing with him I was feeling very strong groinal responses. The reason why I'm worrying is because I didn't stop. I didn't stop playing with him and that scares me. That happens all the time, I've realised. Carrying on with actions while experiencing these groinal responses feels like acting on thoughts/urges, and I'm saying that because they increase, in a very strange way, my desire of wanting to carry on with the respective action (in this case, rubbing his belly or giving him kisses). So now my questions are: maybe my problem is not just OCD; maybe I also have an impulse control problem; or maybe I have a tendency in being an abusive person? 

Also, there's something else I could use as proof for all this. Last night my boyfriend and I stayed up all night watching scary movies. In one of the movies, Sinister, people were killed in some terrible and frightening ways and even though I felt bad for them, I couldn't help feeling some sort of sick joy. I've noticed that I've been having the same feeling regarding this subject for the past year, and it's getting worse and worse. Out of curiosity I've asked my boyfriend if he feels the same or if he ever did and he said he never did. And that scares me. I really don't know how I'm supposed to ignore this and pretend like this feeling it's not part of who I am and what my true core values are.

On 26/01/2021 at 14:08, malina said:

And also, did you manage to book another appointment with your therapist?

Yes, I did. I'm seeing her again next Tuesday. 

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I think that for now, you need to work with your therapist Cora.  It isn't really going to help you at the moment using the forum to keep repeating the incidents or for people to keep offering reassurance.  It's good that you have the support from a professional.  Often they will ask you not to use other methods (like forums) whilst undergoing therapy as it can confuse matters.  If you're really troubled perhaps you could contact her for some advice.

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@Caramoole, I don't want to be rude, but I would like to ask. Reading this:

34 minutes ago, Cora said:

Carrying on with actions while experiencing these groinal responses feels like acting on thoughts/urges, and I'm saying that because they increase, in a very strange way, my desire of wanting to carry on with the respective action (in this case, rubbing his belly or giving him kisses).

doesn't it sound like it's a problem much more worse and serious than OCD? I am not saying that this is not OCD, but I'm thinking that if someone else would share with me the same things I've been sharing with people on this forum for the past year, I wouldn't know how to react. 

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Cora, I told you quite some time ago that if you ever raise an issue that doesn't sound like OCD, we'll be honest and up front with you.

Dozens of times, you've raised an issue here, telling us you don't think it's OCD. We've patiently told you, every time, it is OCD. 

But we're done playing this game. No more. It is not helping you.

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47 minutes ago, Cora said:

but I'm thinking that if someone else would share with me the same things I've been sharing with people on this forum for the past year, I wouldn't know how to react. 

But it hasn't helped you Cora, and that information has been given many times :)  All that it is doing is assisting you to stay stuck.  I do know that your therapist would not encourage or recommend that you sought support in this way.  Quite the opposite, which is why I think that you should concentrate on the work that you're doing with her

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