What happens?

[Nikki79]

Hi guys I’m just inspired to write this post because I’ve been tripped up and back into ocd thinking the last few weeks. I’m wondering how a person can be going along totally ocd free for months and then bam you are back in the vicious cycle. It’s just amazing how I feel like two people sometimes. I have lots of wonderful things going on in my life now yet still I’m worrying about did I harm my daughter. It makes me angry and sad and very exhausted. Yesterday I had a migraine and was vomiting from the sheer stress of it and because I think I was so worn down. I feel I need to learn how to stop a relapse before it gets worse and I’m starting a  new job next week and I need my brain. Thanks don’t reading. 

[Caramoole]

53 minutes ago, Nikki79 said:

I'm wondering how a person can be going along totally ocd free for months and then bam you are back in the vicious cycle. 

Just like you did the first time Nikki, you "noticed" a thought, it made you anxious & you reacted to it

Our brains are making observations and thinking every second we're awake.  Mostly they pass through unnoticed, otherwise they'd drive us mad.  They can be innocuous thoughts and many of them are thoughts that protect us from danger.  "It's a lovely day.  What a nice garden.  How cute was that puppy? Sausage, half price.  What a stupid hairstyle. She's pretty.  Glad I don't have a big nose like that"  Then there are protection thoughts, "Don't stand too close to the road.  It's icy, watch where you're walking. He looks sinister.  That car's coming too fast.  Children are so vulnerable"  Then there are millions of thoughts that come along next and join them up.  "That kid is standing too near the edge of the road (so what, they're quite safe?) What if someone pushed them? (Like who, there's only you here?)  What if I lost control & pushed them?  And WALLOP, there you have it...."Why did I think that?  I must be mad.  A normal person wouldn't think that.  I'm not safe to be around children.  I might be dangerous or insane.  I mustn't be alone around children......OMG, What am I going to do?

We all have this safety mechanism going on all day to protect ourselves and others.  Our safety mechanism gets stuck on full alert, we are too safe.  It's like having your internet security settings set so high that you can't access anything.

But you know all this Nikki and what you've learned (and put into practise) is that the thought in itself is meaningless, it's our reaction and subsequent behaviour that causes and maintains the problem.

You have to work hard at stopping that rumination (which you are doing) and getting back on that and applyingall the tools that you've done so successfully very recently.

[Nikki79]

35 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Just like you did the first time Nikki, you "noticed" a thought, it made you anxious & you reacted to it

Our brains are making observations and thinking every second we're awake.  Mostly they pass through unnoticed, otherwise they'd drive us mad.  They can be innocuous thoughts and many of them are thoughts that protect us from danger.  "It's a lovely day.  What a nice garden.  How cute was that puppy? Sausage, half price.  What a stupid hairstyle. She's pretty.  Glad I don't have a big nose like that"  Then there are protection thoughts, "Don't stand too close to the road.  It's icy, watch where you're walking. He looks sinister.  That car's coming too fast.  Children are so vulnerable"  Then there are millions of thoughts that come along next and join them up.  "That kid is standing too near the edge of the road (so what, they're quite safe?) What if someone pushed them? (Like who, there's only you here?)  What if I lost control & pushed them?  And WALLOP, there you have it...."Why did I think that?  I must be mad.  A normal person wouldn't think that.  I'm not safe to be around children.  I might be dangerous or insane.  I mustn't be alone around children......OMG, What am I going to do?

We all have this safety mechanism going on all day to protect ourselves and others.  Our safety mechanism gets stuck on full alert, we are too safe.  It's like having your internet security settings set so high that you can't access anything.

But you know all this Nikki and what you've learned (and put into practise) is that the thought in itself is meaningless, it's our reaction and subsequent behaviour that causes and maintains the problem.

You have to work hard at stopping that rumination (which you are doing) and getting back on that and applyingall the tools that you've done so successfully very recently.

I think what worries me or all the what ifs, even when I did explain every thing in as much detail as i ever could to therapists and psychiatrists. Imagine I still doubts myself after all that. It’s the preoccupation with that somehow there could have been things I should be blamed for. 

[Caramoole]

Because it makes you doubt Nikki....you know that.  You proceed despite that doubt and certainty.  You know it can be done.....now you have to do it again.  You have to build on that knowledge and try to avoid the mistakes made when you didn't understand the facts.

I've added an explanation as a refresher so to speak but it's not something we need to keep going over as it will just pull you tighter into the whirlpool.

[Nikki79]

18 hours ago, Caramoole said:

Because it makes you doubt Nikki....you know that.  You proceed despite that doubt and certainty.  You know it can be done.....now you have to do it again.  You have to build on that knowledge and try to avoid the mistakes made when you didn't understand the facts.

I've added an explanation as a refresher so to speak but it's not something we need to keep going over as it will just pull you tighter into the whirlpool.

Yes Caramoole cos there is always that danger that it leaks into reassurance and I completely understand that is no good for me. I’m just concentrating now on living along side the thoughts until they leave themselves because it’s true in my case that they always do. I feel then we come back to reality and we don’t entertain them when we are feeling stronger. We must believe that this is how we should be functioning. 

[Guest lauren415]

Hi Nikki just want to let you know I’ve been reading through your posts and my OCD is similar to yours. You’re not alone

[Nikki79]

2 hours ago, lauren415 said:

Hi Nikki just want to let you know I’ve been reading through your posts and my OCD is similar to yours. You’re not alone

Hi Lauren thanks for your support and I do hope you have gained some help from my posts. It can be hard to explain what goes in our heads lol. 

[Guest lauren415]

39 minutes ago, Nikki79 said:

Hi Lauren thanks for your support and I do hope you have gained some help from my posts. It can be hard to explain what goes in our heads lol. 

Tell me about it!! This morning I had remembered I had a weird thought/image pop into my head while changing my sons diaper a while back and now I’m wondering if I acted on it even though I know I didn’t but my OCD wants to tell me I did and now I can’t get the image out of my head which makes the fear even stronger. Do you get similar things and what do you do about it?

[Nikki79]

Hi Lauren, I sure do it’s horrendous and so painful. I just wrote a post about my experience at the moment if you would like to read it. I hope you are doing better x