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Is it ocd when...


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Hello All

Ive done well and have not been to this forum for a while but the worry is getting bad again. 

So here goes. 

Is it ocd when you are fixated on a thought that you have done something so taboo but have no memory or proof? 

Is it ocd when the worry that at comes with this thought takes control of your life. Worrying day in and day out fearing the worst is going to come? 

Is it ocd when the initial thought i had, had actually been triggered by seeing the word CP and now its escalated into something mkre serious? 

Is it ocd when you believe in this thought as the feelings that come with it convince you that you must have done something wrong as why would you be feeling like this otherwise?

Is it ocd when you believe that you have done this thing you catastrophize what horrible and life changing things that will certainly come your way because of it? 

Is it ocd when you believe its not ocd? 

Is it ocd when you try and find any little proof that you havent done this thing? 

Is it ocd when it tells you "you have done this horrible thing but you dont remember it because you could have a split personality or something silly like that? 

Is it ocd when your senses and thoughts are more alert and and active when something to the nature of you initial thought comes up? Eg - see a news story or something in the paper in relation to what your thought is telling you what you have supposed to have done? 

Is it ocd when ive been feeling like this everyday for 17 months worrying and catastrophizing over something that i have no memory of.

It it ocd when you are counting down the days to nothing? Eg "if i had done this horrible thing, then surley the police would have been here by now" I understand i shouldnt think like this as its making me belive i have done this thing but counting away the days brings some relief. 

Is it ocd when you try and find evidence that you couldnt have done this awful thing, find some but then that just fades away and the worry comes straight back. 

Is it ocd when you want to google question regarding my horrible thought for some certainty but you wont because of the nature of your ur thought? 

So to sum up how on earth have i come to this. Yes ive had ocd from and early age but not this kind. This then tells me this must not be ocd as i havent experienced this type before, only the constant checking and repeating things for the past 25 years, nothing like this. 

Is it ocd when im getting comfort writting this? 

 

 

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Look Chris,my heart goes out to you because I know how much this hurts, I know how real & frightening it is but above you have just written the most comprehensive list of everything that OCD is.  It doesn't take much reading around.....here on the forum,  internet articles, books to read over and over that these are "exactly" typical symptoms of OCD.  You can probably see that in others but not in yourself, because when it's yourself it feels too scary, too real.  But it's a risk all of us have to take at the beginning of our journey.  Not changing how you deal with it isn't achieving anything.....it's not making the pain stop, it's not saving you. :(

I don't know if you're receiving any professional help at the moment but if you are, be as strong as you can and give the therapy the benefit of doubt, even in the face of fear....there's really nothing to lose.  If you aren't getting any advice please go and have a chat with your GP :)

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Thank you caramoole. 

I think I could cooe if it was a different subject but what i am going through is my worst fear and for it to be true I just wouldn't want to live. 

As soon as this started 17 months ago I went straight to the doctor, it was awful as i felt i needed to tell him what i was feeling and and what i felt like i had done. I was afraid of being frowned upon but it was okay and I was relieved after doing so. 

I told my family the, employer and closest friend exactly what i thought and felt. I needed s to explain everything. 

Eventually I seen a psychiatrist who referred me onto a mindfulness course. I felt that it wasnt the right kimd of help i needed. I am now on a waiting list for CBT which I cant see being anytime soon. 

What i really want is to sit down with someone, professional and let it all out. Explain what im feeling, how this all come about, what ive been doing to help reassure myself which doesnt last long. I feel I need to explain step by step of my story and for them to challenge me to prove that i have not done this horrible thing. Does this make sense? 

Anyway i will try and stay positive and move on. I feel like there should be a certain time in the future when this will come to end, that's why im counting down the daya bit realistically its just my head making up this **** and i believe it. 

Thanks for listening 

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Absolutely not. Neither a professional nor any of us will tty to convince you that your thoughts are false. That isn't what we are here for and it would be helping you with a compulsion.

There is no answer to your question that will satisfy you. Such is the reality of OCD.

The only way forward for you is for you to STOP trying to answer the question.

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You know what's funny? (Not haha funny obviously) I suffer from harm OCD and one of my many obsessions on this theme is the fear that during my party days when I was a teenager and in my 20's that I committed a crime while I was drunk which I have no memory of (due to being drunk).  I can tell right away from reading all your posts over the past year or so that it's clearly OCD and nothing more but I'm not able to look at my own situation as objectively.  Whenever I speak to people who have a similar theme to mine and I hear their story I can always see quite clearly that's it's OCD but I can't see that when I look at my own situation.   Perhaps it's a case of not being able to see the wood for the trees. I don't really have any advice as I'm struggling myself at the minute, I just found it interesting that people seem to have no problem identifying OCD in other people but struggle to do so in themselves. Maybe we need to take a step back and ask ourselves how would we view the situation if it was happening to someone else?

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Guest lauren415
3 hours ago, Chris2020 said:

Because i cant dismiss these feelings of fear and guilt. I feel confussed. Im afraid to dismiss it just incase it is true.

I think the exact same thing and that is definitely the OCD talking.

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2 hours ago, Chris2020 said:

Anyway i will try and stay positive and move on. I feel like there should be a certain time in the future when this will come to end, that's why im counting down the daya bit realistically its just my head making up this **** and i believe it. 

That's more like it :)

Let's hope you don't have to wait too long

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hello, 

I didn't want to start a new thread and waste peoples time but I got a burning question to ask and its bothering me. 

If you have read my story then you know ive been suffering for some time. 

So here goes - ever since my episode i feel really uncomfortable and feel awkward. For example when taking my little w girl to the park and there is other kids there and i happen to glance in an area and make eye contact i feel awful like ive done something wrong. If there is kids dancing on telly, i feel it really uncomfortable to watch. Also feel wrong in saying that a little girl is pretty. I need to make it clear i dont mean it in the horrible way but in a way that they are pretty. Its okay when a woman says it but being a man i feel really wrong and awkward and shouldn't say such thing. 

Does this come with ocd? Ever since my episode a year and a half ago my senses and feelings to these matter have become much greater whereas before od think nothing of it. 

I really hope this post doesnt come across creepy as ive tried to explain the way im feeling and like i said its not in a sadistic way, but it makes me feel like that iver something innocent. 

Does this make sense and can somebody relate? 

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Hi Caramoole, 

It probably is the OCD (if OCD does do this) its just im nit sure and wanted to know if it does. 

I was scared to write this post as i didnt want it to be taken in the wrong way and i feel this is the only place where peoplemay understand. I understand its a reassurance thing but I dont know if its me wanted to know or the OCD if that makes sense. 

Just ever since my breakdown/panic attack/fear attack/episode its has made me look at these situations as wrong.

Another thing that really confuse me is I dont know what i experienced e when this happened in 2019, I say it was a panic attack but ive never had this feeling before and the anxiety and fear overcome me. Its mad because i never thought this could happen to me. I was so happy before this. Then i doubt this and believe i have done something wrong as why would this fear attack happen all of a sudden. 

I want to ask questions about ocd but i feel people dont want to answer them as they say its reassurance but im just trying to figure out of its ocd or not. For instance can anything trigger a panic attack. I seen this word and bang i feel i have done something so taboo and its escalated to the worse possible outcome. Can this happen? Maybe the normal person in my situation would have dismissed it but im stuck. Sorry to go on. I have hundreds of questions and feel i need to ask everything but i know that doesn't help

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Also forgot to mention as i feel i believe i have done something wrong why am i trying to prove that i havent? For example i feel i have seen/acessed something taboo online, something horrible. I have no memory of it just this feeling of fear and worry. It possessed me. I feel i need to know how accessible this stuff is on the public internet in order to prove i have not done such thing. I feel i need to see what my phone company has in place to stop such viewings. Ive heard of the dark web, havent got a clue what or where it is and have been told its there. This again is reassurance but its like im telling myself I'm guilty and then want proff and evidence to show that im not. I feel i need to find out about how accessible this stuff is to prove to myself i couldn't have done this thing im feeling but i cant find out as im afraid im doing wrong by doing that by googling things. So then because I have no answers its just festers. 

 

 

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No, it's not festering because you haven't got the answers. Truth is, no answers will be enough. You'll just think up more questions.

You don't need anymore answers. You've been told what this is. All you need now is a commitment to get out of this.

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But what if your all wrong and this is not ocd and im here only to convince you and myself that i havent done anything wrong but really have? 

What if im the only one ever to actually believe this is ocd for it to turn out to be true? 

This is my worry. I know you all say move on but the nature of my problem is too strong and overwhelming to let go. Im in constant panic and waiting for a knock on the door. 

So you can probably see why i want to find facts on the given subject to try and prove i have done nothing wrong. Is this normal? 

There is a part of me that says lets imagine the police said to me "Chris you have done nothing wrong, you havent seen anything or accessed anything taboo online. You are okay" i dont think this feeling of fear and worry would go away. So by having this proof i think it would help short term but then I feel "what ifs" would creep back in and worry again. Im not 100% sure if this would be the case as this hasnt happened but ive imagined it and i honesty think with this certainty it wouldnt go away. 

I dont expect a reply to this as you're ve all been great and are probably just repeating yourself but i just want you to understand the fear and anxiety im feeling and how controlling it has been. I dont know if posting on here is a reassurance thing but after I do it, it relieves the anxiety. 

Thank you 

 

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There is a part of me that says lets imagine the police said to me "Chris you have done nothing wrong, you havent seen anything or accessed anything taboo online. You are okay" i dont think this feeling of fear and worry would go away. So by having this proof i think it would help short term but then I feel "what ifs" would creep back in and worry again. Im not 100% sure if this would be the case as this hasnt happened but ive imagined it and i honesty think with this certainty it wouldnt go away. 

You're absolutely right on this assessment.  It wouldn't go away....you'd just demand more proof or you'd come up with other worries

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I   dont know if posting on here is a reassurance thing but after I do it, it relieves the anxiety. 

Only for a short while though, and yes, it's 100% a reassurance thing

There is a way out of this Chris and that's by gradually changing what you do.  Sadly, you will still feel the doubt and anxiety and it's hard work.....but so is living with this every day.  If you wait to find proof, to feel certain...you'll wait forever.  You have to find a nugget of faith to accept all the things you have read or had explained and then take steps to use some of the advice.  You need to sit down and see if you can identify a list of all of the behaviours and compulsions that you use when this doubt hits you

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