Feeling really bad today...

[Cora]

Hi all, 

First, please, accept my apology for posting again. I know you might feel angry and frustrated with me after this, but, as the title says, I feel really low and bad today and can't cope on my own. Today my suicidal thoughts have been the worse so far; I can't stop feeling like I don't deserve anything good, not even talking to my friends or asking for help (so that's why I avoided everyone today and stayed all day in my room); and I keep feeling that there's not a single reason for my to carry on with my life and don't care about anything or anyone anymore. I also feel very angry and envious with people who seem to have a normal life, even my boyfriend, and can't stop it.

Okay, so the reason why I feel like this is really the same thing, although for me it feel like something new and different. I haven't shared this with you when it actually happened, but it has been with me for the past days and I don't know what to do. 

A week ago my brother and I were playfully fighting (nothing serious, no violence was involved) and while playing with him I noticed that every time I was touching him I was feeling a very strong groinal response. But I wouldn't stop. I would carry on playing with him. And today I realised that the reason why I didn't stop is because I enjoyed the sensation down there. So I came to the conclusion that I acted on a thought/urge. The same thing happened with my boyfriend's dog and I talked about it in my last post.  

I just can't see how these incidents are not acting on thoughts and urges. I've been reading the posts on here made by other sufferers and everyone is so genuinely terrified that they'll act on their thoughts whereas I am the opposite - I am not terrified and actually did act on them. That shows how different I am to everyone.

The other reason for my low mood is because all these thoughts and urges are feeling more and more like true desires. I know you don't want to hear this but I feel like I really, really want to act on what I think and feel. And it's awful. Also, it feels like while my interest for normal things, such as studying, having a relationship, enjoying hobbies and free time, is slowly fading away, the one for thinking and doing terrible things is amplifying very badly day by day.

I don't know what else to say. Yes, it sounds dramatic to say it, but today I really wish I could have the courage to end it all. I'm a mess and I don't think I deserve to carry on. 

Edited January 29, 2021 by Cora

[Caramoole]

I'm really sorry you're having such a tough time Cora OCD is very powerful and I know how awful you must feel.

What's even sadder is that the explanations and advice remain the same.  Nothing in your reports causes any concern or change of opinion that all you describe is OCD.  I really do advise that you contact your therapist and ask for her advice, let her know how bad you are feeling.  If you continue to feel as low as you do, please talk to someone, your parents, boyfriend, ring 111, The Samaritans  or ask someone to take you to A & E.

Hope things improve very soon

[Caramoole]

Also, I just wondered, is your therapist one that you've been referred to  by your GP or a private one you've found yourself?

[Cora]

4 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Also, I just wondered, is your therapist one that you've been referred to  by your GP or a private one you've found yourself?

Hi @Caramoole, 

I found the therapist myself.

[iamwesker]

Cora...I'm sorry to see you are going through this..we all are. All we can say to you is the truth: this is OCD. It needs to be treated as such. Grab a book, nice cup of tea and leave the thoughts alone..even if its just for an hour. You can do it.

[Caramoole]

11 minutes ago, Cora said:

Hi @Caramoole, 

I found the therapist myself.

Do you see your GP as well, do they know how you're feeling?

It really would be a good idea to involve your doctors with this and ask them if you can be referred to someone for some CBT.  Finding a good therapist for OCD can be a very hit and miss affair.  Many advertise OCD as something they work with but not all have really good knowledge and treat in a much more general way.  I know that there can be long waiting times but it would be good for you to get into the system.  I believe you've already seen two or three therapists but it doesn't seem that they've been able to help you move forward much.  Sometimes you can be referred to someone who specialises in anxiety disorders.  Ashley may be able to help guide you as to what's available.  You're clear,y struggling with this so I really would urge you to make an appointment to see your GP.  You can still see your current therapist in the meantime but it's important you fi d the right person who can really begin to help you with this

[Cora]

3 hours ago, iamwesker said:

Cora...I'm sorry to see you are going through this..we all are. All we can say to you is the truth: this is OCD. It needs to be treated as such. Grab a book, nice cup of tea and leave the thoughts alone..even if its just for an hour. You can do it.

Thank you very much, @iamwesker. You are very kind! 

2 hours ago, Caramoole said:

Do you see your GP as well, do they know how you're feeling?

Not really. Last time I talked to them was, I think, 2 or 3 months ago. But I will try to call them again. However, I believe I already know what they'll say: as I'm on the IAPT waiting list they'll probably advice me to wait until they can help. But, as I've said, I will give it another go. 

[Cora]

Again, I'm not trying to anger or upset anyone but I don't know how you can't agree with me that the following is really bad: 

4 hours ago, Cora said:

A week ago my brother and I were playfully fighting (nothing serious, no violence was involved) and while playing with him I noticed that every time I was touching him I was feeling a very strong groinal response. But I wouldn't stop. I would carry on playing with him. And today I realised that the reason why I didn't stop is because I enjoyed the sensation down there. So I came to the conclusion that I acted on a thought/urge. The same thing happened with my boyfriend's dog and I talked about it in my last post.  

And I haven't even given you the details, such as that immediately after I had a thought that I wanted to have sex with him (I'm sorry!).

I feel bad now but why didn't I realise what I was doing back then?! 

And stuff like the above ones are only a couple examples. Messed up things keep happening almost every day and I'm more than convinced that one day I'll do something even worse. 

I know I'm not supposed to do this but I have to apologise because this is really disgusting. 

[Cora]

I also want to add that these are not false memories. These things definitely happened, I'm sure about that - and this is probably the worst part. 

[PolarBear]

Cora, I know we must sound like broken records but only because you sound like a broken record.

What you are doing here is something you have done a hundred times. You explain your latest obsession. You say you are vile and disgusting. You apologize for being vile and disgusting. You are sure we will agree. You silently hope we won't (reassurance seeking). We don't agree. You come back perplexed.

This pattern has repeated dozens upon dozens times. You never get confirmation of your feelings, but you continue to do it anyway.

Aren't you getting tired of it?

[malina]

Cora,

have you discussed these incidents with your therapist yet? I think these scenarios where you believe that you have acted on a thought/urge are really the predominant problem for you right now. She needs to know this and help you address these issues.

I'm really sorry that you're suffering so much. But surely you can see how repetitive this is getting and this has been going on for at least a year now. I'm not saying that it's repetitive because I feel angry or annoyed, I am saying it because I think that you are going around in circles and it's making your condition worse. That is worrying and it means that you need to change something in what you're doing.

I think that you need someone (in real life, not the forum) to sit down with you and explain to you what you're experiencing and how to manage it. For the record, I am not saying that you're having false memories or that what you describe didn't truly happen. I believe you Cora, but what you need to believe is that everything you describe is a very common feature of OCD. I don't think we are having much luck convincing you of that, but none of us are professionals or have any training in this. That is why you need to be open with your therapist and try to get the most out of your sessions.

You need CBT, you need to learn about what you're experiencing, you need to change your pattern of thinking and how you respond to these problems. It's really a form of education as well as therapy. I'm sorry that you have to wait for IAPT for so long, I hope that appointment will come soon, but in the mean time I think you need to try to make the most of the therapy you are currently having.

[Little_Mim]

I used to have similar issues with the groinal thing. My therapist basically told me that if you are on alert for it and thinking about it, you’ll feel it - like if you think about your genitals, they’ll react. Also, when you’re highly anxious, it affects your whole body and you’ll feel that tense, tingly feeling everywhere, including down below. It DOES NOT mean you are turned on. 

[Cora]

16 hours ago, malina said:

have you discussed these incidents with your therapist yet?

Not yet because I still haven't seen her since last time. But I'm seeing her on Tuesday so I will let her know that I'm really struggling with this at the moment. 

I would like to ask a couple of questions I've been thinking of today:

- why is it so hard to me to accept that this is OCD? 

- why am I convinced that I've hurt my brother, cousin and my boyfriend's dog even though I've been told otherwise thousands of times by very knowledgeable people? 

- why am I still stuck with events that happened a very long time ago and can't seem to move on (today I thought a lot about that incident with my baby cousin that happened almost 2 years ago and now I'm scared I'll be feeling very anxious for the next days because of it )? 

- why can't I see what everyone else sees? 

I don't want to be an abuser but it really feels like I am one and I'm getting really tired to live like this. Please, don't be mad with me. Thank you. 

 

Edited January 31, 2021 by Cora

[malina]

9 hours ago, Cora said:

Not yet because I still haven't seen her since last time. But I'm seeing her on Tuesday so I will let her know that I'm really struggling with this at the moment. 

I would like to ask a couple of questions I've been thinking of today:

- why is it so hard to me to accept that this is OCD? 

- why am I convinced that I've hurt my brother, cousin and my boyfriend's dog even though I've been told otherwise thousands of times by very knowledgeable people? 

- why am I still stuck with events that happened a very long time ago and can't seem to move on (today I thought a lot about that incident with my baby cousin that happened almost 2 years ago and now I'm scared I'll be feeling very anxious for the next days because of it )? 

- why can't I see what everyone else sees? 

I don't want to be an abuser but it really feels like I am one and I'm getting really tired to live like this. Please, don't be mad with me. Thank you. 

 

I think that these are all really good questions. I'm not sure if I'm capable of answering them very well but I'll give it a try!

First of all, do you get that a lot of other people with OCD have trouble believing that their terrible thoughts/urges are OCD? You spend a lot of time on this forum, so surely you have seen that this is a frequent pattern among sufferers?

I think that the trouble with OCD (and all other mental illness) is that it takes control of your mind and body and it makes them unreliable sources of information for you. It produces horrible thoughts that are indistinguishable from your own thoughts. It produces very real physical sensations, like the groinal responses that you feel and the very very real urges. Now as human beings, we all rely on our mind and body to give our conciousness information that we can use to understand the world. When your mind starts having thoughts that you want to sexually abuse your brother/dog/whatever and your body reacts sexually to that..well, what is your conciousness supposed to think? It obviously thinks that this information is true. Yet, your conciousness also knows that there is something wrong here, which is why you feel so deeply unhappy and why you go to therapy and come to this forum. You conciousness doesn't want to do these horrible things, yet it keeps getting bad information from the rest of the mind and the body and it no longer knows what to believe. It is confused, terrifed, and just wants to disappear and stop feeling like this.

So then come in outsiders like us and your therapist, who may have a similar problem or just understand how all of this works. So we try to explain it to you, to tell you that your mind and body are playing tricks on you and try to explain a way out. You want to believe it, but regardless, you keep getting these signals from your mind and your body, these horrible thoughts and urges and sensations keep coming. You do small behaviours that you interpret as having acted on these thoughts. So what do you believe? Other people or your own mind and body?

And that is where it becomes very hard. To get better, you have to learn to disregard your own brain and your own physical sensations and trust complete strangers. This is the hardest thing in the world. It's like if I came to you today and tried to convince you that the sky was green. You may want to trust me, but you see blue. This is exactly the same thing but on a much bigger level.

And unfortunately you could decide today to trust everyone else and to disregard your internal signals. Yet it doesn't work that easily, because the horrible thoughts and feelings will still keep coming.

BUT the good news is that you don't have to do it like this and you don't have to do it alone. That is where CBT comes in, I told you before, it's more like a form of education rather than therapy. It's not meant to have you sit there and release all your feelings and get reassurance or comfort. The point is that you need to learn to restructure how you think and behave. And you need to practice this a lot. Expect to get homework and actually do it. You cannot decide to stop these thoughts and feelings today, but you can decide to commit to the process of change.

Also, how do you think that the rest of us got to be so knowledgable? It's purely because of our own terrible luck that we all have the exact same problem as you and we have had to become knowleadgable in order to survive. But you have one huge advantage that many of us never had. In this day and age, there is so much information. I'm only about 10-11 years older than you, but Google was just becoming a thing when I was diagnosed 13 years ago. It actually didn't even occur to me to look for a forum or try to connect to others like me. And imagine the experiences of the people who are older and who lived in times when professionals didn't know much about OCD. Honestly, it may not seem like it, but this is huge! You have access to a whole community of people who you can speak to, lists of therapists at your fingertips and hundreds of articles. You live in a time where so much is possible and it will not take you as long as it took some of the others to learn how to conquer this.

 

Edited January 31, 2021 by malina

[Caramoole]

Cora......Read, re-read and read again Malina's post.  It is an excellent description of all that is going on.  There can barely be anything added.  

[Cora]

Thank you so much, @malina. The advice is amazing and it makes perfect sense. As @Caramoole said, I read your post a lot of times today and will keep reading it. 

[Cora]

I know this is really really stupid of me but because today I've been bombarded with the memory of the incident with my baby cousin that happened nearly 2 years ago I need to ask: if you thought I was an abuser and if you thought I hurt someone, you would tell me, right?

I really feel like I need to be told that I am not who I think am, especially today, because even though today I feel a bit better it seems that the belief that I am a monster is getting worse.  

Also, I will definitely talk to my therapist about all these little incidents and how they make me feel - I honestly can't wait until Tuesday. 

[PolarBear]

No, Cora. You are asking for reassurance here. Again. 

Reassurance seeking is a compulsion.

Try to set aside the thoughts and try to get on with your day.

[malina]

How did it go with the therapist @Cora? Did you manage to discuss these issues? Hope you're doing okay!

[Cora]

Hi @malina, 

We did manage to discuss some of the issues. Next week we're going to focus only on those incidents with my cousin and brother. It sounds scarry but I have to do it. 

[malina]

Just now, Cora said:

Hi @malina, 

We did manage to discuss some of the issues. Next week we're going to focus only on those incidents with my cousin and brother. It sounds scarry but I have to do it. 

Good! Well done for bringing it up It is hard, but you have to address this!