Feeling overwhelmed, looking for support/advice.

[humbleno1]

Im really trying, Im exercising im trying not to get caught up in compulsions, but my ocd seems to be getting more sophisticated in its approach not only that but I DO have memory problems. Which whenever I say that people try and refute. Anyway, the point is, I will literally be worried I have typed something in, and then check, and my cognition/clarity is so low, I can forget, what I checked not long after, or I can not remember what compulsion I did which keeps me in a continuous loop, and in the end I just feel like by checking I made it more likely I somehow mistakenly done it and cannot seem to cut the loop off.

 

Im very tired of this illness, I feel so depressed, even though im trying very hard here. Sorry, I wish I wasnt like this.

[Gemma@OCDUK]

Hi humbleno1,

There's no need to apologise, you just feel how you feel and that is OK

I won't refute that you have memory problems because that must be frustrating but what you describe does sound really common when it comes to checking compulsions. They've shown in research that confidence in memory reduces as you check more and more, so it is a real thing that you are experiencing. The problem seems to be the first check, because it's this check that throws you into the loop. Have you had any CBT for OCD?

Gemma

[humbleno1]

On 04/02/2021 at 10:48, Gemma@OCDUK said:

Hi humbleno1,

There's no need to apologise, you just feel how you feel and that is OK

I won't refute that you have memory problems because that must be frustrating but what you describe does sound really common when it comes to checking compulsions. They've shown in research that confidence in memory reduces as you check more and more, so it is a real thing that you are experiencing. The problem seems to be the first check, because it's this check that throws you into the loop. Have you had any CBT for OCD?

Gemma

I have but still struggle I dont put any faith in the NHS, or that system too many misunderstandings and stigmatisation based on intrusive thoughts, very difficult to manage it yourself, especially as I just feel like, my ocd has become so sophisticated, in its attempt, but then again, maybe it hasnt and i give it far too much credit who knows, one thing for sure starting to realise just how futile the rituals are. Dunno why I cant beat this thing.

[SarahW]

Never apologise for having OCD - it's not like we asked to have it!!

Well done for keeping going! I know the feeling of just wanting to give up but we can't let it win! I watched a video today about learning to manage the OCD bully (or bully it back!) Being a teacher, this is obviously not something that I would normally suggest to my students  ...but I think that we have let OCD win for too long! OCD wants us to keep doing the compulsions so how about saying 'No' - even for just 30 seconds...then maybe try to leave it for longer the next time - this might help severe the loop. I've tried this with a few of my rituals at home - minor ones rather than major ones - and I've managed to leave them now, in some cases for a few days. I might go back to them but nothing bad has happened in my life as a result of not doing them so I'm going to keep leaving them for now. 

Would journaling/keeping a diary help you to record and remember which compulsions you have and haven't done? I starting detailing things in my diary and found that seeing them written down actually reminded me just how ridiculous they were, e.g. Today, I broke a rule by stepping onto the step in the fish and chip shop more than once - how ridiculous is that!!

Hope that some of these ideas help. If not, hopefully the support of a response will encourage you to keep persevering!

Much love, 

Sarah