Is this part of OCD?

[Cora]

Hi, 

Even though it's very hard to do it, I'm trying to work on accepting that my problem is OCD. But at the moment I'm troubled by some things that don't look like OCD at all, including the following: 

- I've noticed that sometimes I engage with thoughts and I don't immediately recognise their disgusting nature. That makes me feel confused and upset because I think I should be able to tell straight away that the thoughts don't represent who I am.

- I've also noticed that the thoughts are now 90% replaced by feelings. And I don't think these feeling bother me. And, again, I think I engage with them just as I do with the thoughts - I feel some sort of joy/pleasure from having them and it seems like they are part of my core values. 

I would like to ask if you still think this is part of OCD, or do you think there's something else going on ?

Thank you. 

[Cas24]

All part of the illness - accept that the thoughts and feelings are there but do nothing about them, it’s not about fighting the feeling but becoming neutral towards them. I know it’s confusing with how real OCD can feel, it takes everything and jumbles it up so you don’t know what or how you feel towards something. But you can do it Cora, the less we react the less of a hold it has.

Hope you’re okay and your studies are going well? 

[malina]

Cora, you have got to stop seeking reassurance and permission. You've decided to treat this as OCD, that is fantastic. But commit to it, there are going to be a million things to you that seem like they are different of exceptions. You can't come here and ask whether each thing is OCD or not. You have to treat it all as OCD, no matter how odd or real it feels.

[Cora]

Thank you @Cas24 and @malina. 

@malina, but this one seems odd to me, that's why I'm asking. 

[malina]

I get you, but once you get reassurance for this thing, another thing will seem odd and then another and then another and you'll find yourself having made no progress at all. When people say you need to treat it as OCD, they mean these situations that don't feel like OCD and make you do compulsions. Work on it now, treat this one as OCD and you will become stronger.

[Cora]

@malina, I'm trying to treat this as OCD but it feels so wrong. I just think that engaging and even enjoying certain thoughts and feelings is the opposite of OCD and that's why it feels so weird and wrong. 

[Caramoole]

40 minutes ago, Cora said:

I just think that engaging and even enjoying certain thoughts and feelings is the opposite of OCD

You've asked and had it explained many, many times that it's not.  Why do you feel one more explanation is going to convince you?

[malina]

1 hour ago, Cora said:

@malina, I'm trying to treat this as OCD but it feels so wrong. I just think that engaging and even enjoying certain thoughts and feelings is the opposite of OCD and that's why it feels so weird and wrong. 

Sorry Cora, this is going to come accross as harsh but I mean it in the nicest way possible..no more excuses. You are struggling to treat it as OCD and you're rationalising that with these explanations. If you want to get better, you're going to have to stop making excuses and just do it, regardless of how wrong it feels. In fact, I'd say that if it feels right and easy, you are probably doing something wrong. So keep going, no buts and no reassurance. I believe in you!

[Cora]

I'm really sorry to disappoint you, @malina and @Caramoole. Another incident happened last night. I touched my brother's arm twice as I was having certain disgusting thoughts. I feel awful about it - once again I feel like I acted on my thoughts/urges. I've been trying to treat it as OCD but I feel very bad because the thoughts I had yesterday were extremely, extremely terrifying. 

And when I think about all the other incidents, I really feel like an abuser. 

I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow evening but I'm quite scared to tell her about this. She knows about the main incidents but she doesn't know about the others. And I don't know how she'll react. 

Edited February 7, 2021 by Cora

[Caramoole]

You need to talk it over with your therapist, that's why you're seeing her

[PolarBear]

Cora, you really need to see that all this confessing and reassurance seeking is not doing you any good. 

You've confessed a hundred times. Have we ever said anything negative in response? Think about it.

[Caramoole]

48 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

You need to talk it over with your therapist, that's why you're seeing her

I also think you should mention that you use a forum and ask her whether she thinks it's useful to ask for reassurance.  It may be something that she could help you to work on

[Cora]

1 hour ago, Caramoole said:

You need to talk it over with your therapist, that's why you're seeing her

But how do I tell her? I wanted to tell her last time but I didn't have the courage. I'm scared of her reaction. 

[Caramoole]

What about?  Touching your Brothers arm?

Cora, you just have to be brave & tell her. There is nothing dreadful to tell, other than how dreadful these things "seem" to you.  If you don't give her the facts then she can't help you, it's a waste of your time and money.  You can't carry on this way, you need her help.

[Cora]

2 hours ago, Caramoole said:

What about?  Touching your Brothers arm?

The reason why I'm scared is because all these actions happen immediately after I get disgusting thoughts/urges, which means it is the same as acting on thoughts. I understand that I didn't hurt my brother by touching his arm; it's the reason behind touching him that scares me. 

[PolarBear]

No. 

You had a disgusting thought. You touched your brother's arm. Two totally separate things.

However, your mind made a connection between the two. Even though there really is no connection. They are two separate things. 

This happens to millions of OCD sufferers, every day. You are not unique. You are just one of many. It happened to me. I had an incredibly hard time bathing my boys when they were young because my mind made a connection between washing down there and sexual abuse. 

Do you hear what I'm saying? You are not unique. This problem of yours is just everyday, run of the mill OCD. 

We've been telling you this for a long time. We know all about it, either because we experienced it ourselves or we heard the same story from hundreds of others.

It doesn't matter what the thought is. It doesn't matter what you do, like touching or kissing. THERE IS NO CONNECTION, except the one in your head.

Now so far, you've fallen for the **** your mind dishes out, every time. You freak out, you confess here and you seek reassurance. But you don't have to. There is another way. You can wise up to these fake connections.  You can dismiss them as irrelevant. 

Give them no attention and they will go away, in time.

[Caramoole]

Cora, you are going to have to take some responsibility about your role in getting better.  Your situation has been explained to you over and over.  People have explained exactly how OCD can make a person feel, what it can make them believe.  There have been many explanations as to what OCD can make your body feel, what sensations it can cause to happen.  Explanations have been given as to what compulsions are and why they are harmful to your progress.

 We all know how desperately scary it is to feel that way, we know how convincing & believable it feels......but we also know that something can be done about it with the right help.  This forum isn't helping you at the  moment, it's acting as a platform to carry out so many compulsions.  You are seeing a therapist now and she is your best source of professional help.  It is vital that you explain exactly what it is that's troubling you so much.  If you can't say it, go and look at our main website & print something off that describes something similar and just hand it to her, say "I often get these sort of fears". 

https://www.ocduk.org/ocd/obsessions/

[Cora]

1 hour ago, PolarBear said:

It doesn't matter what the thought is. It doesn't matter what you do, like touching or kissing. THERE IS NO CONNECTION, except the one in your head.

But what if the action is an impulse caused by the thought/urge? Because that's what it feels like to me. 

[Cora]

1 hour ago, Caramoole said:

Your situation has been explained to you over and over. 

I'm sorry, I know you are right, @Caramoole. I feel stupid and guilty because I know that what I'm doing is bad but I can't stop. 

[Caramoole]

Just tell her Cora or print something off and give it her.  You've made this appointment to get help and that's really good, now take the help

[PolarBear]

1 hour ago, Cora said:

But what if the action is an impulse caused by the thought/urge? Because that's what it feels like to me. 

Keep going to therapy, Cora.

[malina]

So how did the therapy session go @Cora?

[Caramoole]

Yes, how did it go?  Did you open up about your obsessions?

[Cora]

23 hours ago, malina said:

So how did the therapy session go @Cora?

 

28 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Yes, how did it go?  Did you open up about your obsessions?

The therapy session went okay. We did a bit of EMDR and we'll do some more next week as well. And yes, I did open up about my obsessions. 

My main targets for this week are to avoid telling/confessing and to use the forum as less as possible. 

[Caramoole]

That's good Cora, glad it went well.  Just do your best to follow her guidance