Awaiting assessment, feeling stuck

[estelle_2021]

Hi all, 

I have Tourette's Syndrome which I was diagnosed with when I was 9, and have struggled with anxiety, intrusive thoughts and low mood for much of my life (I'm 21 now). About 6 weeks ago I had an awful crisis and have slipped into a very aggressive obsessive compulsive cycle. I've started seeing a counsellor, have been prescribed an SSRI and am awaiting an assessment, but I'm pretty certain I have OCD.

My theme is quite strange in that I feel as though my brain is "daring" me to do things I don't want t do, like look at nasty images, watch horrible films or try to make myself sick (I had emetophobia for years). It is only once I have given into the compulsion that I get a sense of immense relief (before a new, worse obsession comes along and the cycle continues). I avoided these things for years which I think became a compulsion in itself but it's almost as though it has done a complete 180 and I'm now trying to actively seek out things that will upset me? Like I'm testing myself to see how far I will go, get relief from the anxiety/urge/nagging thought once I've given in, and then I get an immense feeling of guilt that I'm a terrible person. Has anyone else experienced this? 

It's been really tough and I'm very distressed but I'm hoping the medication will work and I'm feeling hopeful about having an assessment with a professional. 

Cheers!

[ecomum]

Hi Estelle, it seems like you are getting the right help put in place so well done. meds help me a lot so I hope they help you too. It seems like you understand that giving in doesn't help because a worse one comes a long. Personally I try not to give in and get distracted as quickly as I can . Put some things in place that absorb your thoughts to stop you thinking about these things when they arise. I see them as physical thoughts like clouds or a train passing which helps immensely. Or I say 'oh its ocd again you can't get me ' or something.

I have similar experiences to you in that the worst thing I can think of comes into my mind. Usually this is caused by exhaustion so I take time to rest and for self care so I am in a better place to fight it off.

I hope this helps