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Vicious cycle, (my thread)


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Hi everyone,

I am really struggling with my OCD at the moment and tend to go through good periods, and really bad periods of OCD.

My OCD revolves around feeling like I'm a bad person and contamination. I feel like I am a gross person for getting up late, for example, or for not doing any work and the only way to get rid of these feelings is to carry out cleaning for twelve hours. After I feel so happy, for a short period of time, and I have so much motivation to carry out tasks such as getting up early, studying etc. This is all great until I get up late one day, or have an argument etc. I am never going to be able to be perfect 100% of the time, and what is perfect? I have autism and depression, so getting up at 6am everyday is unrealistic, hence why the vicious cycle continues. :( 

Anyway, so I am now getting really angry and tired of having to carry out 12 hours of cleaning, even when it doesn't need doing, just to feel better. It is fake and doesn't make things better, and now even doing the compulsions doesn't give me even a few second of satisfaction. The problem is, the motivation only comes back once I've done the compulsions. My brain tells me there's no point in living life and I'm a horrid being, so if I do the OCD compulsions, I will feel better and happier again, and my brain tricks me into thinking this. To feel better and get that motivation, I have to do the OCD, otherwise I am being unkind to myself not doing them. I know right? What a horrid brain I have. :( 

I am struggling at the moment with lack of motivation and getting up really late, but I am trying to remind myself that each day is a new day and I can only do my best. It's so hard when my OCD brain is saying 'but if you do the compulsions for twelve hours, everything will be better', and they are, for like half a day and then I need to do the compulsions again.

I can't live this way. I can't cope with cleaning for 12 hours straight without eating or drinking because I am worried about contamination. I also can't cope with not doing the OCD compulsions because I cannot be happy. Or is this just OCD telling me I cannot be happy?

I really don't know what to do.

I had CBT back in 2011 and have forgotten most of the techniques, but I am trying to accept the intrusive thoughts, say this is my OCD and then keep busy doing something else.

NHS have declined therapy because they have changed their mind and no longer think it's OCD but part of my autism but I have always been told this is OCD by the IAPT services since 2011 and I have only been diagnosed with autism since last year.

I don't know what to do. I can't afford private therapy. I desperately want to get better and some things have improved over time. Ashley and others will remember I used to reset my PCs and create new online accounts, which would take days. I have now managed to cut this out.

I am going to update this thread with what I'm coping well with, other struggles and use it as a journal or diary. I hope that's ok?

I hope some of this made sense. Does anyone have any ideas on what to do?

Thanks everyone so much. 

 

Edited by OnlyAlex
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Hi Alex

I'm sorry you're struggling right now, it's horrible to feel so rubbish all the time.  In some ways you are doing well.  As you mentioned, I remember all the problems you had with creating new identities and you've done brilliant on that score, so Well Done You :)

Why do you need to get up at 6am in the morning?  Yes, it's good to set a routine....not to stay in bed all day but it doesn't have to be such a stringent target.  Maybe change that.  Set a more realistic goal like 9am

who are your team at the moment?  What, if anything have you in place in terms of support.  Yes, you have Autism but you have Autism & OCD and both are disorders that deserve support.  10 years without treatment to address both co-morbid problems does 't seem reasonable.  

Don't be too tough on yourself Alex, it's clear to see you're trying very hard but could perhaps do with more help to address this dual problem you're struggling with.

Do you have any thoughts on how you might address this 12 hour ritual?  You know it's not making you feel better and I just wondered if you have any thoughts about how you could start to change this a little.

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16 hours ago, Caramoole said:

Hi Alex

I'm sorry you're struggling right now, it's horrible to feel so rubbish all the time.  In some ways you are doing well.  As you mentioned, I remember all the problems you had with creating new identities and you've done brilliant on that score, so Well Done You :)

Why do you need to get up at 6am in the morning?  Yes, it's good to set a routine....not to stay in bed all day but it doesn't have to be such a stringent target.  Maybe change that.  Set a more realistic goal like 9am

who are your team at the moment?  What, if anything have you in place in terms of support.  Yes, you have Autism but you have Autism & OCD and both are disorders that deserve support.  10 years without treatment to address both co-morbid problems does 't seem reasonable.  

Don't be too tough on yourself Alex, it's clear to see you're trying very hard but could perhaps do with more help to address this dual problem you're struggling with.

Do you have any thoughts on how you might address this 12 hour ritual?  You know it's not making you feel better and I just wondered if you have any thoughts about how you could start to change this a little.

Hi Caramoole, thank you so much for your lovely message - it's so kind of you to reply. :)

Thank you, yes, I have managed to cut out some of the compulsions as you say. Thanks! 

Good idea about the realistic goal setting. I am either everything or nothing. My brain is telling me I'm a bad person for picking my nose or for not getting dressed straight away etc. Who says this makes me a bad person? Me. :(

Thanks. As I say, the NHS seem to think my OCD is autism and have removed my diagnosis of OCD. I know you're not a professional, but it surely must be OCD? I have been told it's OCD for around 15 years now, so I find it odd why it isn't OCD now all of a sudden. I know people with autism can have rituals, but I feel my OCD has clear intrusive thoughts. Oh well. Just so confusing! 

Thanks Caramoole. Can I be happy and live life each day without doing my OCD compulsions? Do I need to just try my best each day, but not do the compulsions? My brain is saying I can't be happy unless I do the compulsions and life isn't worth living. :( 

My support at the moment is an autism practitioner that I see once every three months and my family.

The NHS won't give me any support for my mental health problems and OCD as I have had every treatment under the sun apparently and sometimes you just have to learn to live with the problem and cleaning for twelve hours isn't the worst thing out there apparently...... Sigh! To be fair, I've only had one proper spell under IAPT and that was back in 2011 when they first formed.

Thanks Caramoole again. 

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It doesn't seem right that you're not getting more support, regardless of what label someone has given you, you still have a big problem that deserves help.  If they labelled you has someone who had Hyperdyscombobulationitis ( for want if a made up word) you still have two problems that seriously affects your life and enjoyment?  What does your Mum think?

As I saw on another thread, GBG asked if you could look at reducing these compulsions little by little, do you think you could do that?  As I said before, you've nailed the identity one brilliantly, so we know how capable you really are :)

It's difficult at the moment with GP appointments but once this lockdown eases and you can make a face to face visit, it may be worth going back and having a chat.  You can also self-refer back to IAPT, although it can be bit hit and miss with the level of understanding a practitioner has.

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5 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

It doesn't seem right that you're not getting more support, regardless of what label someone has given you, you still have a big problem that deserves help.  If they labelled you has someone who had Hyperdyscombobulationitis ( for want if a made up word) you still have two problems that seriously affects your life and enjoyment?  What does your Mum think?

As I saw on another thread, GBG asked if you could look at reducing these compulsions little by little, do you think you could do that?  As I said before, you've nailed the identity one brilliantly, so we know how capable you really are :)

It's difficult at the moment with GP appointments but once this lockdown eases and you can make a face to face visit, it may be worth going back and having a chat.  You can also self-refer back to IAPT, although it can be bit hit and miss with the level of understanding a practitioner has.

Thanks Caramoole. True! Mum thinks I need to reduce the amount of cleaning and be kinder to myself.

Yes, I am thinking about that and am replying to her lovely comments now. 

IAPT won't take me on because they don't deal with people who have autism and / or other 'challenging mental health behaviours and problems'.

Cheers. :) 

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Hi onlyalex

I think you need a professional advocate. There are advocacy services in England which should be able to assist you which specialise in getting access to mental as well as physical treatments.  What do the autistic charities say about your exclusion from therapy? Have you contacted a any of them?  Another group which is underrepresented in IAPT referrals is the over 65s with this group only representing 7% of referrals. The charity AgeUK has launched a campaign to change this. As you say it probably wouldn’t be a problem if you had funds!

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On 18/02/2021 at 11:23, Angst said:

Hi onlyalex

I think you need a professional advocate. There are advocacy services in England which should be able to assist you which specialise in getting access to mental as well as physical treatments.  What do the autistic charities say about your exclusion from therapy? Have you contacted a any of them?  Another group which is underrepresented in IAPT referrals is the over 65s with this group only representing 7% of referrals. The charity AgeUK has launched a campaign to change this. As you say it probably wouldn’t be a problem if you had funds!

Hi Angst, thank you for your comment. I will have a look into it. I haven't spoken to any autistic charities about the exclusion of therapy, so that's another good idea to talk to them too and get their views.

Cheers. :) 

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Yesterday morning I woke up and had surges of panic and anxiety. I ended up spending twelve hours carrying out my OCD compulsions. Had a good chat with Mum about my worries. I feel I either have to pick between self-harm or carrying out my OCD compulsions. I need to find a third option. Going to think of things I can do that I enjoy just for those times where I feel like this. 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi all, due to stressors from the Department for Work & Pensions making multiple mistakes and causing me severe distress and stress, I feel the urge to carry out my OCD compulsions again. :( 

Not sure what to do.

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Hi Alex, did you manage to come up with the idea for a third option, which you mentioned before? If not, do you think you could delay carrying out your compulsions for a while as a first step?

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I had a major problem with DWP a while ago with the my transfer from Incapacity Benefit to the ESA system. I got accused of not providing information about one of my occupational pensions which I had. It was stressful. And could prove it because I had kept all the paperwork including photocopies of the forms which I had sent to DWP. I also received help from an advice agency and got them to follow up communications with the DWP. Things were sent via recorded delivery including photocopies of the photocopies and phone calls logged. So you need to keep copies of all communications with the Department and my advice is to contact a local advice agency. I good source of internet advice and support is the site known as Benefits and Work. Do you have social worker? He or she could be very supportive and contact DWP on your behalf. 

Have you got any further with contacting the autistic charities or getting an advocate about your diagnoses and access to IAPT. A second medical opinion could help.

 

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Hi Alex,

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling to access therapy for OCD. You said that your local mental health services removed the diagnosis of OCD, is this still the case and if so which mental health professional did this?

It may be that seeking an assessment from one of the specialist clinics might be a good option for you, as they will have the expertise to assess if your problem is OCD or autism.

Gemma :)

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On 07/03/2021 at 20:39, Wren said:

Hi Alex, did you manage to come up with the idea for a third option, which you mentioned before? If not, do you think you could delay carrying out your compulsions for a while as a first step?

Hi Wren, thank you so much for replying to my latest post. I haven't, unfortunately. I haven't had any time to do anything as it's been my Dad's Birthday, PIP assessment going wrong and I had to ring them every day for a few days to sort things out, which therefore meant I had to record everything that was said in case it comes back to haunt me in the future. I did watch some YouTube videos today and I am trying to delay carrying out my compulsions as I don't have 12 hours worth of time to carry them out. In the YouTube videos I watched quite a few things resonated with me: D in OCD stands for disorder which I keep forgetting and is a horrid mental illness. Also, I am not a bad person - I watched some videos relating to perfectionism and OCD. The final video I watched was about the fact that your thoughts are not you - what action, (or actions you don't take in this case), is down to you. Don't ignore the thoughts, let them come in and accept the thoughts but don't engage with them. I have done this today and it seems to have delayed them for today at least. Last night I started a self-help workbook which delayed them again. I've also noticed that keeping busy - whatever the activity has been the third option - it doesn't need to be a specific activity, just anything? Sorry to go on. Thank you for writing out your questions as it helps me think and reflect. How are you? :) 

13 hours ago, Angst said:

I had a major problem with DWP a while ago with the my transfer from Incapacity Benefit to the ESA system. I got accused of not providing information about one of my occupational pensions which I had. It was stressful. And could prove it because I had kept all the paperwork including photocopies of the forms which I had sent to DWP. I also received help from an advice agency and got them to follow up communications with the DWP. Things were sent via recorded delivery including photocopies of the photocopies and phone calls logged. So you need to keep copies of all communications with the Department and my advice is to contact a local advice agency. I good source of internet advice and support is the site known as Benefits and Work. Do you have social worker? He or she could be very supportive and contact DWP on your behalf. 

Have you got any further with contacting the autistic charities or getting an advocate about your diagnoses and access to IAPT. A second medical opinion could help.

 

Hi Angst, thank you so much for your comment. I am so sorry to hear about your problem with the DWP a while ago too. Our problems seem quite similar, I got accused of not letting them know when I was in hospital back in 2018 even though I did because my ESA benefits were stopped. Also, they said my recent review of PIP will continue with an award until December 2021, with a review in December 2020. That was last year! Then I rung and they said it's a five year award. Then I got another review form through the post on Saturday even though I had just had a review. You couldn't make it up. Thanks. I contacted CAB and they said that I've done everything right and if I need any more help to ring their advisors, so I might do that if needed. Unfortunately I rung them back in 2018 with the change in circumstance, but if my ESA stopped I feel like I have a pretty solid case to show I did inform them! I don't have a social worker, no. And thank you about B&W site, I posted there straight away on the forums - great minds think alike. :) 

6 hours ago, Gemma@OCDUK said:

Hi Alex,

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling to access therapy for OCD. You said that your local mental health services removed the diagnosis of OCD, is this still the case and if so which mental health professional did this?

It may be that seeking an assessment from one of the specialist clinics might be a good option for you, as they will have the expertise to assess if your problem is OCD or autism.

Gemma :)

Hi Gemma, thank you for your comment - nice to see you on the forums as I recognise your name from a support group on Zoom. :)

So I had an assessment for Autism back in 2016 and they wrote in the report, 'a diagnosis of autism cannot be made' and part of the report said 'your thoughts and compulsions are more in line with traditional OCD'.

Then fast forward to 2019 when the report was made and it said the exact opposite, saying that I have a fixated interest in cleaning and that there isn't a clear intrusive thought. 

The thing is though, an autism assessment is about three - four hours long and the OCD thoughts I only talked about for 5 mins out of the whole 4 hours. I am not sure how they can remove a diagnosis of OCD based on that and they are not a mental health expert - this wasn't even a psychologist, (although the report had been signed off by a psychologist). 

Do you know how I would go about accessing an assessment from a specialist clinic?

I don't feel worthy of help or that my problems are big enough.

Thanks for replying. :) 

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13 hours ago, OnlyAlex said:

Hi Gemma, thank you for your comment - nice to see you on the forums as I recognise your name from a support group on Zoom. :)

So I had an assessment for Autism back in 2016 and they wrote in the report, 'a diagnosis of autism cannot be made' and part of the report said 'your thoughts and compulsions are more in line with traditional OCD'.

Then fast forward to 2019 when the report was made and it said the exact opposite, saying that I have a fixated interest in cleaning and that there isn't a clear intrusive thought. 

The thing is though, an autism assessment is about three - four hours long and the OCD thoughts I only talked about for 5 mins out of the whole 4 hours. I am not sure how they can remove a diagnosis of OCD based on that and they are not a mental health expert - this wasn't even a psychologist, (although the report had been signed off by a psychologist). 

Do you know how I would go about accessing an assessment from a specialist clinic?

I don't feel worthy of help or that my problems are big enough.

Thanks for replying. :) 

Hi Alex,

Have you ever been assessed by a local psychologist or psychiatrist for OCD (in your Community Mental Health team) or has it always been through the Autism services that you've been assessed? 

If your local mental health services are unable or refusing to offer treatment and they believe that your problems aren't OCD, then you could speak to your GP to ask them to put in a request with your local CCG for a referral to the Oxford Health Specialist Psychological Intervention Centre (OHSPIC) for a one-off assessment. That way if OHSPIC believe you are struggling with OCD, then you should be able to at least access treatment locally. It's possible the CCG may refuse to fund the assessment so please don't worry, this does not make it their final answer. If that does happen you can contact us via email at support@ocduk.org and we will try to advise from there.

Whatever happens, everybody including you Alex, are worthy and deserving of help, no matter the size of their problems, so please don't be so hard on yourself.

Gemma :)

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Posted (edited)
8 hours ago, Gemma@OCDUK said:

Hi Alex,

Have you ever been assessed by a local psychologist or psychiatrist for OCD (in your Community Mental Health team) or has it always been through the Autism services that you've been assessed? 

If your local mental health services are unable or refusing to offer treatment and they believe that your problems aren't OCD, then you could speak to your GP to ask them to put in a request with your local CCG for a referral to the Oxford Health Specialist Psychological Intervention Centre (OHSPIC) for a one-off assessment. That way if OHSPIC believe you are struggling with OCD, then you should be able to at least access treatment locally. It's possible the CCG may refuse to fund the assessment so please don't worry, this does not make it their final answer. If that does happen you can contact us via email at support@ocduk.org and we will try to advise from there.

Whatever happens, everybody including you Alex, are worthy and deserving of help, no matter the size of their problems, so please don't be so hard on yourself.

Gemma :)

Hi Gemma, thank you for your reply. 

I was assessed by a psychiatrist back in 2011 and they said I had OCD and was referred to IAPT and they said I had OCD, but it was very severe and quite complicated and I did 13 sessions with them before being discharged due to the fact they felt I had underlying personality disorder. I was then diagnosed with BPD and my OCD diagnosis remained, and it has done so right up until the beginning of last year. In fact, it's still on my record as the autism report barely mentions my OCD type thoughts. 

I would find it hard to believe that if I don't have OCD how I would have been receiving help from them? They said it was clear I had OCD back in 2011 but that I had other issues going on as well and that IAPT is a very low level service when it comes to mental health.

The CMHT discharged me towards the end of last year after successfully treating my BPD. I spoke about my OCD struggles with them and they said they couldn't see why cleaning for 9 hours was so bad and that I have learnt all the CBT in the world, which is true, and now it's time to apply it to the OCD and binge eating. 

I am not sure what to do as I had been under the CMHT for a long time and they said that last year was the final time with them and that I need to learn to live life without services, hence why I'm so scared to see the GP and ask for a referral etc. :(

 

Edited by OnlyAlex
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14 hours ago, OnlyAlex said:

Hi Gemma, thank you for your reply. 

I was assessed by a psychiatrist back in 2011 and they said I had OCD and was referred to IAPT and they said I had OCD, but it was very severe and quite complicated and I did 13 sessions with them before being discharged due to the fact they felt I had underlying personality disorder. I was then diagnosed with BPD and my OCD diagnosis remained, and it has done so right up until the beginning of last year. In fact, it's still on my record as the autism report barely mentions my OCD type thoughts. 

I would find it hard to believe that if I don't have OCD how I would have been receiving help from them? They said it was clear I had OCD back in 2011 but that I had other issues going on as well and that IAPT is a very low level service when it comes to mental health.

The CMHT discharged me towards the end of last year after successfully treating my BPD. I spoke about my OCD struggles with them and they said they couldn't see why cleaning for 9 hours was so bad and that I have learnt all the CBT in the world, which is true, and now it's time to apply it to the OCD and binge eating. 

I am not sure what to do as I had been under the CMHT for a long time and they said that last year was the final time with them and that I need to learn to live life without services, hence why I'm so scared to see the GP and ask for a referral etc. :(

 

Hi Alex,

What the CMHT has said to you isn't right, no one should have to accept cleaning for 9 hours and no matter how much CBT you might have had, sometimes the CBT we have received is just not enough to help us get there, and it's not our fault. 

The fact that local services have said that they have done all they can, is something you can use as a case for accessing specialist help on the NHS so try not to worry too much. There are two main clinics, I mentioned OHSPIC, but there is also the Centre for Anxiety Disorders and Trauma (CADAT) in South London. CADAT can be easier to get a referral to than Oxford, has a waiting time of several months and is currently offering remote therapy. Oxford has a minimal waiting time and can offer tailored treatment, remotely or in person and home treatment (post-Covid).

If you are interested in trying to access either clinic then let us know and we will advise on the next steps. If you feel unsure then perhaps talk to loved ones for their advice and hopefully they can support you through the process too.

You absolutely deserve support Alex, and when you feel ready we will do our best to help :)

Gemma 

 

 

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8 hours ago, Gemma@OCDUK said:

Hi Alex,

What the CMHT has said to you isn't right, no one should have to accept cleaning for 9 hours and no matter how much CBT you might have had, sometimes the CBT we have received is just not enough to help us get there, and it's not our fault. 

The fact that local services have said that they have done all they can, is something you can use as a case for accessing specialist help on the NHS so try not to worry too much. There are two main clinics, I mentioned OHSPIC, but there is also the Centre for Anxiety Disorders and Trauma (CADAT) in South London. CADAT can be easier to get a referral to than Oxford, has a waiting time of several months and is currently offering remote therapy. Oxford has a minimal waiting time and can offer tailored treatment, remotely or in person and home treatment (post-Covid).

If you are interested in trying to access either clinic then let us know and we will advise on the next steps. If you feel unsure then perhaps talk to loved ones for their advice and hopefully they can support you through the process too.

You absolutely deserve support Alex, and when you feel ready we will do our best to help :)

Gemma 

 

 

Hi Gemma,

Thank you so much for your detailed reply on the different options I have. 

I have spoken to my parent's and they say that I know all the CBT techniques like the back of my hand and I need to really try applying the techniques I've learnt by myself and that they don't think CBT would be helpful for me a the moment and that I need to learn to live with my difficulties. 

Thanks so much for taking your time to reply with my options though. I really want some support though haha so not sure what to do.

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17 hours ago, OnlyAlex said:

Hi Gemma,

Thank you so much for your detailed reply on the different options I have. 

I have spoken to my parent's and they say that I know all the CBT techniques like the back of my hand and I need to really try applying the techniques I've learnt by myself and that they don't think CBT would be helpful for me a the moment and that I need to learn to live with my difficulties. 

Thanks so much for taking your time to reply with my options though. I really want some support though haha so not sure what to do.

Hi Alex,

How much CBT have you had for OCD? I thought that you had only had CBT through IAPT once. In reality, you can know all about CBT but sometimes it's a lot harder to structure CBT for yourself and challenge things on your own. We also know that sometimes the CBT offered on the NHS at local level is not as good as CBT delivered by specialists and so if you're not improving on your own, then it is definitely worth considering.

There's no pressure though Alex, take your time to have a think about it. The options will still be there whenever you decide to look into them :)

 

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2 hours ago, Gemma@OCDUK said:

Hi Alex,

How much CBT have you had for OCD? I thought that you had only had CBT through IAPT once. In reality, you can know all about CBT but sometimes it's a lot harder to structure CBT for yourself and challenge things on your own. We also know that sometimes the CBT offered on the NHS at local level is not as good as CBT delivered by specialists and so if you're not improving on your own, then it is definitely worth considering.

There's no pressure though Alex, take your time to have a think about it. The options will still be there whenever you decide to look into them :)

 

Hi Gemma, good point. I have had CBT for my Personality Disorder too and the CMHT say you can apply this to anything - binge eating, OCD etc. In my most recent spell of care with the CMHT, we went through a book which wasn't CBT, but had elements of CBT - (mostly DBT), and the CMHT say again that I have all the knowledge available to me and it's just a matter of applying it to different problems? I would argue that you need support to apply it to different areas but they say the same CBT I've learnt applies.

Thank you Gemma so much for all the info and support. :) 

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Hi all, I unfortunately carried out my OCD compulsions on Friday and it took me around twelve hours. I managed to delay carrying out my compulsions by three days, so that's an achievement. 

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On 11/03/2021 at 16:41, OnlyAlex said:

Hi Gemma, good point. I have had CBT for my Personality Disorder too and the CMHT say you can apply this to anything - binge eating, OCD etc. In my most recent spell of care with the CMHT, we went through a book which wasn't CBT, but had elements of CBT - (mostly DBT), and the CMHT say again that I have all the knowledge available to me and it's just a matter of applying it to different problems? I would argue that you need support to apply it to different areas but they say the same CBT I've learnt applies.

Thank you Gemma so much for all the info and support. :) 

I'm not sure I agree with your CMHT. If it was as simple as you've learnt all the CBT techniques so you could apply it to anything, then why do we have specialists who treat OCD specifically? I really don't think you've had enough CBT for OCD to really know everything there is to know and even if you had, sometimes you need a therapist to support you through the process and organise therapy to help maximise its affects. 

It's totally your choice Alex, but if you want to look into more therapy, we will support you where we can through the process :)

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On 14/03/2021 at 11:43, OnlyAlex said:

Hi all, I unfortunately carried out my OCD compulsions on Friday and it took me around twelve hours. I managed to delay carrying out my compulsions by three days, so that's an achievement. 

Well done on delaying Alex, this is a huge achievement :)

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3 hours ago, Gemma@OCDUK said:

Well done on delaying Alex, this is a huge achievement :)

Thank you so much, Gemma! I am also going to try and cut out some of my follow up compulsions. :) 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi all, I'm struggling with my OCD today. I haven't done my major compulsions since I last posted.

I am due to start studying with the Open University in May and I have recently received the resources and materials. I have been looking on the OU website about studying and feel like I need to read every single page on their website which would take me ages. I have managed to stop this compulsion as I wasn't getting anything else done, but I feel guilty as I was skipping words and cutting out some of the paragraphs on some of the pages.

I never do this. I normally read every word on every resource - whether it's online, a book or magazine etc.

I'm feeling so guilty that I haven't been reading every single word recently. I feel anxious because I am worried people will think I don't care - not that they will know anyway! :(

Not sure what to do. Trying to challenge this by continuing to do miss out non relevant info and turn these activities into ERP. Also, I will need to do note taking when I study at the OU. I won't be able to read every single word on resources and will need to pick out important info? I am trying to use this as reasoning.

Thanks all.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi all, I unfortunately ended up carrying out my compulsions on Sunday morning and finished in the early hours of Monday morning. I managed to delay the compulsions by a week or so which is a big achievement for me.  Feeling the need to read every page I had read on the OU website already. I can't continue like this. :( 

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