Feeling guilty about something I know I shouldn’t (merged threads)

[ocdruinseverything]

So before I get into why I feel guilty I just want to talk a little bit about my story. I’m pretty sure I’ve had ocd all my life. When I was little, I was overly clean, and would obsess if there was a spot on anything I owned, and would spend hours crying over it and trying to fix it.

As I got older the compulsions and obsessions got worse and developed into other things, I started obsessing over germs and had fears of contracting things, fears of intruders at night, having to constantly wash my hands and repeat the same action over and over, having to move things a certain way until my mind was happy with it, suffering from horrible intrusive thoughts, you name it.

I recently saw a therapist (she was horrible) she was very rude to me, and I expressed that my intrusive thoughts were getting worse and she just told me to tell them to go away. I talked with her about most of my obsessions and she didn’t care at all. My obsessions are debilitating, and prevent me from being able to focus sometimes. It’s frustrating.

Then it started developing into what I think is POCD. I’ve been having groinal responses, POCD related intrusive thoughts, and false attraction. And I’ve been struggling for years. I was going to tell my therapist but I decided to stop seeing her because she wasn’t good for me, so I’ll be seeing someone else very soon. So with that out of the way let me get into why I’m upset today, it deals with POCD.

So today I sat down with my family to watch this animated movie, it was something mindless and light hearted to watch because we were all feeling kind of down, and I started feeling this weird feeling when this animated character came on screen. The character was a kid, but the person playing them was older than me.

I felt like I was attracted to the character, it felt so real. I thought the character had a unique and cool look (does that sound weird?) but then I think my ocd turned it into false attraction. Every time when the character was on screen I would have weird thoughts and that feeling kept coming back, I felt horrible about it so I told my family I needed to lie down because I was sick.

I went into the room and cried. My mood plummeted so quickly, I have to avoid watching that stuff because I feel like it triggers my ocd. Then eventually I kept reminding myself that it was just my mind playing tricks on me and I don’t really feel that way because that’s not who I am, and that’s never been who I am. I started to feel so much better about it. Then this is when I felt quilty when I know I shouldn’t. 

Hours and hours had past after that happened, it was technically the following day (it was 12:00 a.m.) and I was watching this video and it had aroused me (it was a completely normal video nothing odd or bad) and I masturbated after because the video aroused me.

Sounds fine right? But then I started to feel bad because I masturbated the same day (kind of?) as a bad event had happened (the false attraction) and I just felt guilty. Even though I wasn’t masturbating to that situation that happened earlier or wasn’t masturbating because the false attraction aroused me I still felt guilty because I was masturbating the same day as I had false attraction, despite it also being hours after and technically the next day. 

I wasn’t even thinking about the situation at all when masturbating, and the situation before didn't arouse me. I know it sounds dumb, but I just feel horrible, this is what my ocd does to me. Then I was like “am I a pedo?” I don’t know why I had all these thoughts but I just felt bad. Does this make sense? I hope people understand what I’m saying and don’t misunderstand. Anyway, if anyone could help me that’d be great. I just feel down. 

Also sorry I used the “m” word a lot in this, I know that’s like a taboo thing, my apologies, but I’m trying to be honest. But I’ve been struggling a lot recently and sometimes I feel like I’ll never get better. I’m sure others know the feeling.. It just sucks because I never had this POCD thing before and now it’s just bad. 
 

 

[MarieJo]

It is all part of the same issue, OCD. From my experience OCD changes according to what life changes have occured ie when you have children it probably would then attach itself to them. Pocd is a common one. The key is to really work on reducing the compulsions. You need to stop ruminating as this always makes everything worse. You will make these irrational thoughts stick if you keep going over them and trying to work them out. Let this go.  I know it's harder said than done but if you keep thinking deeply about it it will just become a bigger issue. Try to refocus when you find yourself ruminating on this latest obsession and all obsessions. Read a book or go for a run..don'f feed the OCD beast with lies..The obsessions then lose their power and the anxiety reduces. I hope your new therapy helps as the last therapist sounded terrible.

Edited February 19, 2021 by MarieJo

[ocdruinseverything]

7 hours ago, MarieJo said:

It is all part of the same issue, OCD. From my experience OCD changes according to what life changes have occured ie when you have children it probably would then attach itself to them. Pocd is a common one. The key is to really work on reducing the compulsions. You need to stop ruminating as this always makes everything worse. You will make these irrational thoughts stick if you keep going over them and trying to work them out. Let this go.  I know it's harder said than done but if you keep thinking deeply about it it will just become a bigger issue. Try to refocus when you find yourself ruminating on this latest obsession and all obsessions. Read a book or go for a run..don'f feed the OCD beast with lies..The obsessions then lose their power and the anxiety reduces. I hope your new therapy helps as the last therapist sounded terrible.

Thank-you so much for your help, I really appreciate it. I’ve been really struggling, everyday I’m obsessing about a new thing and it’s been pretty hard. The situation that happened yesterday just about freaked me out and caused so much anxiety and stress. Thanks again! 

Edited February 19, 2021 by ocdruinseverything

[ocdruinseverything]

Hello there. So I posted this earlier today and someone kind replied (and thank-you to that person) but I still feel so guilty and horrible. It’s been hard to go on through out the day. I know sometimes reassurance isn’t good, and I know I need to stop depending so much on it. Maybe someone can tell me how they deal with the issue. 

So I’ve been struggling with POCD for a long, long time, and it keeps getting worse. Yesterday I was watching a mindless animated movie with family because we were feeling down, and I had false attraction to an animated character that was a kid. 

I went into a room and cried. My mood plummeted so quickly, and I feel like I can’t watch anything without it triggering my ocd. But then I moved on and realized it was just ocd messing with me, but then this is when I felt guilty when I know I shouldn’t. The next part deals with nsfw so I’m sorry. 

Hours after it happened I masturbated to a video that had aroused me. It sounds fine, but I feel guilty that I did that the same day I had a false attraction experience, does that make sense? The video I mastur to was completely normal and nothing weird, and I wasn’t mastur to the situation I had hours before (meaning the false attraction) I was mastur to a completely different and normal thing, but I still feel guilty because I did it the same day I felt false attraction to something.

I mean technically it was 12:00 a.m. but it was only hours after the situation so I feel horrible. I don’t know if that makes sense to anyone. I know it sounds dumb, but I just feel horrible, this is what my ocd does to me. Then I was like “am I a pedo?” even though I know in the back of my head I didn’t do anything, but my mind is trying to convince me I did something bad.

It’s debilitating. I hope people understand what I’m saying and don’t misunderstand. Anyway, if anyone could help me that’d be great. I just feel down. Also sorry I used the “m” word a lot in this, I know that’s like a taboo and gross thing, my apologies, but I’m trying to be honest. But I’ve been struggling a lot recently and sometimes I feel like I’ll never get better. 

I’m sure others know the feeling.. It just sucks because I never had this POCD thing at all before, I was completely normal and now it’s just bad. It’s hard to understand reality from non reality, you know? I just feel like a bad person.. I hate myself. Please understand that this is really hard for me, and please don’t attack me.

Edited February 19, 2021 by ocdruinseverything

[PolarBear]

Hey there.

It's not a good idea to start two threads on the same subject. Stick to one, where help is all in one place.

This isn't about masturbating (not a bad word) or about a cartoon. It is about your mind making a connection between the two and telling you it is a bad thing.

This happens a lot. The way out is to leave it alone. Let it go and get on with your life.

[ocdruinseverything]

Hello everyone. I’m so sorry that I keep posting about similar things, I think this will be my last for a bit (unless something really distressing happens) Warning: this does discuss masturbation, so my apologies. I posted yesterday about an issue I was still obsessing over, and today it got worse. If you haven’t read that one basically earlier the day before I had false attraction to a kid (I have POCD) 

And later on the same day I masturbated, but it wasn’t because of the false attraction it was because a completely different and normal thing aroused me but I still felt bad that I m (from now on I’ll just use the letter m so I don’t have to fully type it to make it less weird.) on the same day I had a false attraction experience. Make sense? Well I got over that but now it’s worsened.

Last night I don’t know if I had thought about the false attraction experience or if it was an intrusive thought, but what I think happened was I thought about m and maybe I had an intrusive thought about the false attraction experience that happened that popped in my head when I thought about m, but I don’t know for sure.

it’s bad because I ended up m last night and I am freaking out because what if I was thinking about the experience and that made me think about m, like it stemmed from that. I wasn’t m to the experience but I’m concerned that the experience reminded me of m and so I did it. 

I really hope that’s not the case, and I kept playing it back over and over in my head and I’m just terrified that the experience reminded me of m and so I did it. The uncertainty is killing me and I don’t know what to do, I just feel horrible everytime I think about it. Sometimes I feel like it was an intrusive thought, but sometimes not because I remembered having a thought directly after whatever made me think about m that was like “well now I can’t.”

Because it stemmed from the false attraction thought. But then I remembered that I had another thought after that was like “wait I think my mind is just messing with me.” Meaning that it was an intrusive thought. I don’t know what to do I’ve been panicking and obsessing all day, it’s been horrible.
 

The only other thing I could think is if it did stem maybe my mind was like “oh well you didn’t have any weird experiences like that so you can m today.”  Maybe that’s what I thought if I did intentionally think about the experience. I’m so stressed.. If anyone could help I’d really appreciate it, I’m terrified. I’m sorry.

[snowbear]

Hi ocdruinseverything,

You'll notice all your recent threads have been merged. We do this to avoid confusing other forum users who might not realise you are the same person in each new thread. It also enables you to quickly find replies to your postings and, should you choose to read back over your thread in the future, it shows you how things developed or eased with time and what advice you received in response to the changing situation. That makes it a one-stop-shop for handy reference in future.

I've also removed your bold type. We understand that people want to express their distress and emphasise their words, but for other people trying to read it screeds of bold type is hard on the eyes and they may give up without finishing it.

You don't need to keep warning us when you want to use the word masturbation. It's ok to type it in full (though you can continue to use the abreviation 'm' as you've done above if you prefer.) We don't allow 'trigger warnings' on the forum as what triggers or upsets one person won't be the same as what upsets another forum user. Everything in the universe is a potential trigger/ upset to someone, so instead of allowing warnings (however well-intentioned) we encourage everybody instead to accept that some things they read on the forum may temporarily upset them and they need to learn how to deal with that and process it as part of normal living.

Lastly, welcome to the forum!

[PolarBear]

Your whole post above is OCD nonsense. I thought this and fid thwt but what about this and ehat if that but I then thought this, which left me thinking that...

It's all discombobulated nonsense. Not your fault, really. Just OCD'S way of making something out of nothing.

Leave it alone. Let it go.