I’m convinced it’s real

[Guest lauren415]

I’m convinced it’s real and I literally have no way of checking. I was doing okay with not ruminating, but the image is staying stuck in my head. And the more it’s stuck in my head, the more I feel I need to ruminate. I’m at the point now where I’m back to trying to prove that it’s not real, I’m trying to make myself feel better and that just makes me think it’s not OCD bc I’m just in denial and don’t want to accept the truth. This is the realest anything has felt and my husband says I say that about every obsession. The thing is, when I obsess about something else, I’m usually able to say to myself that the previous one didn’t happen. I haven’t been able to say that about this one when I obsess about something else, I can only say the consequences that I’m thinking will happen most likely won’t, but I haven’t been able to really feel like it’s not true. It stays in the back of my head while I’m obsessing about something else. My husband said I was triggered by something on this forum and if I would’ve never read it I wouldn’t be thinking this. I tell him I think I just forgot or repressed it or something and he said it’s not something I would forget. What am I supposed to do? Live in fear of the consequences? Just accept it and move on? I can’t live with this if it is true...

[PolarBear]

Sufferers can be triggered by anything. A sight, a sound, a touch, a smell. It is pointless to try and figure out rhe what and why.

What matters is how you deal with your obsessions. Give them attention by freaking out and by doing compulsions and they'll happily stick around and get stronger.

Trying to prove to yourself that this thing is not true is a compulsion and pointless. No matter how much effort you put into the proving, OCD will not allow you to be 100% sure. That just leads to more compulsions, more anxiety and more obsessions. 

[Guest lauren415]

16 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Sufferers can be triggered by anything. A sight, a sound, a touch, a smell. It is pointless to try and figure out rhe what and why.

What matters is how you deal with your obsessions. Give them attention by freaking out and by doing compulsions and they'll happily stick around and get stronger.

Trying to prove to yourself that this thing is not true is a compulsion and pointless. No matter how much effort you put into the proving, OCD will not allow you to be 100% sure. That just leads to more compulsions, more anxiety and more obsessions. 

The other thing is I feel like if there weren’t any consequences to this I wouldn’t feel guilty, and that makes me feel like a terrible person because I do know it is wrong...but then I think maybe it’s not a big deal and was just an honest mistake? I know I am going in circles. I guess I just need to try and move past it.

[PolarBear]

That going around in circles is a hallmark of OCD. You can go round and round for years and never get anywhere.

It's not worth it.

[Guest lauren415]

7 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

That going around in circles is a hallmark of OCD. You can go round and round for years and never get anywhere.

It's not worth it.

So what do I do if I decide not to ruminate but the image is still in my head? Just ignore it? Will it eventually go away if I resist rumination?

[PolarBear]

The less you pay attention to an obsession, the less it bothers you. Yes, obsessions will go away, but only if you don't react to them over time.

[Guest lauren415]

6 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

The less you pay attention to an obsession, the less it bothers you. Yes, obsessions will go away, but only if you don't react to them over time.

What if it doesn’t go away even after stopping the compulsions? Does that mean it’s real and it’s actual guilt putting it in my head, not OCD?

[PolarBear]

If you do everything right, the obsessions will reduce in frequency and severity. Steadfast staying away from compulsions means, for all intents and purposes, the obsession goes away.

If it doesn't reduce in frequency and severity, then you are still doing compulsions. Quite simple.

What you are experiencing is OCD. 

[Guest lauren415]

18 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

If you do everything right, the obsessions will reduce in frequency and severity. Steadfast staying away from compulsions means, for all intents and purposes, the obsession goes away.

If it doesn't reduce in frequency and severity, then you are still doing compulsions. Quite simple.

What you are experiencing is OCD. 

What about when you think of how to justify your past actions should they be true or what you could do should the consequences you’re afraid of actually happen? Are those compulsions too? Sorry if this doesn’t make sense.

[PolarBear]

Yes, those are compulsions.

What you are going through is common with this type of OCD. You have no evidence that you did anything wrong. You do have thoughts and feelings, but that is all.

Sufferers in your shoes tend to believe their thoughts and feelings and to think of the worst consequences. Even though there is no evidence if any wrongdoing. 

The mission becomes to prove, one way or the other, the thoughts and feelings. Proving means doing compulsions. But it's a trap.

The trap is that OCD doesn't care about proof or lack of evidence. The more proving you try to do, the more doubt OCD throws in the mix. So it doesn't matter how much work you do, you will never be sure.

I have helped people here who have been stuck in such traps for years. It is disheartening. 

The only way out is to let it go. Stop seeking proof. Stop the compulsions. Over time, the thoughts and feelings fade. They don't bother you so much. It all seems like not such a big deal anymore. 

Edited February 19, 2021 by PolarBear

[Guest lauren415]

57 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Yes, those are compulsions.

What you are going through is common with this type of OCD. You have no evidence that you did anything wrong. You do have thoughts and feelings, but that is all.

Sufferers in your shoes tend to believe their thoughts and feelings and to think of the worst consequences. Even though there is no evidence if any wrongdoing. 

The mission becomes to prove, one way or the other, the thoughts and feelings. Proving means doing compulsions. But it's a trap.

The trap is that OCD doesn't care about proof or lack of evidence. The more proving you try to do, the more doubt OCD throws in the mix. So it doesn't matter how much work you do, you will never be sure.

I have helped people here who have been stuck in such traps for years. It is disheartening. 

The only way out is to let it go. Stop seeking proof. Stop the compulsions. Over time, the thoughts and feelings fade. They don't bother you so much. It all seems like not such a big deal anymore. 

Thanks so much for all of your help.

[eualice]

11 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Sim, essas são compulsões.

O que você está passando é comum com esse tipo de TOC. Você não tem evidências de que fez algo errado. Você tem pensamentos e sentimentos, mas isso é tudo.

Quem sofre no seu lugar tende a acreditar em seus pensamentos e sentimentos e a pensar nas piores consequências. Mesmo que não haja evidências de qualquer irregularidade. 

A missão passa a ser provar, de uma forma ou de outra, os pensamentos e sentimentos. Provar significa fazer compulsões. Mas é uma armadilha.

A armadilha é que o TOC não se preocupa com provas ou falta de provas. Quanto mais provas você tenta fazer, mais dúvidas o TOC lança na mistura. Portanto, não importa quanto trabalho você faça, você nunca terá certeza.

Tenho ajudado pessoas aqui que estão presas em tais armadilhas há anos. É desanimador. 

A única saída é deixá-lo ir. Pare de buscar provas. Pare com as compulsões. Com o tempo, os pensamentos e sentimentos desaparecem. Eles não te incomodam muito. Tudo parece não ser mais um grande negócio. 

Polar, but when I ignore it, it seems like I'm just agreeing with that. How is the right way of thinking? Like, inside your head and in your heart, what should your posture look like? I'll even save a reminder for me to do the same as you speak.

 

[Chris2020]

18 hours ago, lauren415 said:

I’m convinced it’s real and I literally have no way of checking. I was doing okay with not ruminating, but the image is staying stuck in my head. And the more it’s stuck in my head, the more I feel I need to ruminate. I’m at the point now where I’m back to trying to prove that it’s not real, I’m trying to make myself feel better and that just makes me think it’s not OCD bc I’m just in denial and don’t want to accept the truth. This is the realest anything has felt and my husband says I say that about every obsession. The thing is, when I obsess about something else, I’m usually able to say to myself that the previous one didn’t happen. I haven’t been able to say that about this one when I obsess about something else, I can only say the consequences that I’m thinking will happen most likely won’t, but I haven’t been able to really feel like it’s not true. It stays in the back of my head while I’m obsessing about something else. My husband said I was triggered by something on this forum and if I would’ve never read it I wouldn’t be thinking this. I tell him I think I just forgot or repressed it or something and he said it’s not something I would forget. What am I supposed to do? Live in fear of the consequences? Just accept it and move on? I can’t live with this if it is true...

For a second then I thought I had written this. You have just described exactly what I have been going through for the past 17 months. 

Ive tried and tried to remeber what I have supposed to have done but there is nothing only the feelings of fear and guilt. Like you, i am now obsessing over the consequences of the police coming for me and my life being over. It had led to this because of my initial feeling/thought. 

So I hope this this has helped a little bit and that your not alone. Feel free to message me if you like and certainly listen to what polar bear says. He knows his stuff! 

[Guest lauren415]

2 hours ago, Chris2020 said:

For a second then I thought I had written this. You have just described exactly what I have been going through for the past 17 months. 

Ive tried and tried to remeber what I have supposed to have done but there is nothing only the feelings of fear and guilt. Like you, i am now obsessing over the consequences of the police coming for me and my life being over. It had led to this because of my initial feeling/thought. 

So I hope this this has helped a little bit and that your not alone. Feel free to message me if you like and certainly listen to what polar bear says. He knows his stuff! 

I think the difference is mine is actually based on a real memory but my mind has changed the context of the memory, or rather, added something to it. Yours is just based on a feeling, right? Mine is based on an image. I know that OCD can do either. But thank you, it’s nice to know I’m not alone.

[PolarBear]

Doing nothing does not mean you agree with anything. You are simply saying, I choose not to respond right now.

[Chris2020]

1 hour ago, lauren415 said:

I think the difference is mine is actually based on a real memory but my mind has changed the context of the memory, or rather, added something to it. Yours is just based on a feeling, right? Mine is based on an image. I know that OCD can do either. But thank you, it’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Nope mine is based on an actual event. I remember it like yesterday but im convinced its more than what it is but I dont know what it is of that makes sense. 

What i have learnt is not every scenario is the same, just because mine is slightly different to yours its still ocd. 

[Guest lauren415]

1 hour ago, Chris2020 said:

Nope mine is based on an actual event. I remember it like yesterday but im convinced its more than what it is but I dont know what it is of that makes sense. 

What i have learnt is not every scenario is the same, just because mine is slightly different to yours its still ocd. 

You’re right. Either way it’s OCD...but there’s always the what if that drives me crazy and my mind comes up with a bunch of scenarios as to why it would be true but then of course I try to fight it and rationalize it to where it wouldn’t be true to make myself feel better which I know is a compulsion I feel like this is something I just forgot bc the image won’t get out of my head and why would it be stuck there if it weren’t true and why would it feel like a real memory if it wasn’t? but like polar bear said, I have no evidence of it being true. So I’m just trying to think of it that way.

[Guest lauren415]

The only thing giving me solace right now is I looked at my post from last week which was about a different obsession and I said the exact same thing, that it was the realest anything had felt etc. Perhaps my OCD has this pattern more often than I think. But now of course I’m questioning if that one felt AS real as this current one. Ugh.

Edited February 20, 2021 by lauren415

[Chris2020]

You got an image I got a feeling/thought. 

I question why this feeling doesnt go away if it wernt true because ive never experience anything like this before. I have or the OCD has convinced me that it is true because why would I be feeling like this so then i go looking for proof and evidence. I never find any but i honestly believe if someone could say 100% I have nothing to worry about and that I have done nothing wrong it would eventually creep back in and I would be back at where i started. 

[Guest lauren415]

3 hours ago, Chris2020 said:

You got an image I got a feeling/thought. 

I question why this feeling doesnt go away if it wernt true because ive never experience anything like this before. I have or the OCD has convinced me that it is true because why would I be feeling like this so then i go looking for proof and evidence. I never find any but i honestly believe if someone could say 100% I have nothing to worry about and that I have done nothing wrong it would eventually creep back in and I would be back at where i started. 

Yes, same here. I can’t do that much mental review of the original memory because it’s so faint as it is. But with this new thing added I question if it’s part of the original memory and I try to compare it to other real memories to see if it feels the same. Now sometimes it won’t feel as real but then I question if I truly felt that way or was just trying to make myself feel better. I have read that comparing memories is a compulsion of false memory OCD as well. I’m trying to accept it as just that, but there’s always that “what if” and that guilty, impending doom feeling in the pit of my stomach and I just can’t seem to relax.