Help me

[Cookiedough]

I hate myself. My mental health has completely spiralled since the beginning of the pandemic. I’ve developed ocd and my life has been ruined. It’s affecting everyone else in my household and It’s destroying my relationship with my family (e.g. my parents). I fall out with them constantly over my issues because it frustrates them and is costing them financially. I’ve been struggling with ocd for 6 months now and it’s so hard to find the motivation to carry on. I wanna give up already. I hate what my life has become and had no idea that I would ever become this way. It’s to the point where I’ve seriously considered admitting myself into a mental health facility- however I’ve been told that your doctor has to refer you and that you simply can’t just go yourself. I’ve spoken to a friend about this, who knew somebody personally who’s been sectioned, she told me that it’s definitely not the place for me. 

Going to the toilet is dreadful because I’m in there for up to 1 hour and a half in total each session. I wipe myself excessively after a number 2. I have an obsession with being clean down there otherwise I’ll feel disgusting if I’m not. There’s been countless times where I’ve blocked the toilet and my mum has had to take the tissue/wipes out with her hands and throw them in the bin. She has told me to throw the toilet paper in the bin after wiping, however I just find that gross. It’s even worse when it’s that time of the month. As a heavy bleeder, the blood gives me even more to wipe. It’s hard to check the paper to see if the poop is gone because it’s so bloody. Whilst I’m wiping I’m confused as to where to stop wiping and put the tissue in the toilet. Sometimes I wipe up to my lower back, to the point where I have to get wet wipes and wipe the poop off my back. Then after all that i wash my hands for up to 30 minutes. At times washing all the way up to my elbows. Going to the toilet is absolutely exhausting and I just want this nightmare to end. 
 
My showers take up to 1 hour and I don’t know how to reduce the time. No matter what I do I simply cannot be quicker in there. I usually use the toilet before I have a shower (and you already know how that goes). So in total I’m occupying the bathroom for like 2 hours. My dream would be to take 10-15 minute showers, however in my current state that goal seems unrealistic.

There’s periods where I don’t shower, brush my teeth, wash my hair or change my bedsheets for weeks and my rooms a mess. I haven’t left the house in months. 

Previously I was studying at an online university, yet dropped out due to my mental health. I’m too ill to work (not that there’s much work around anyway because of Covid). 

I’m losing sight of the light at the end of the tunnel and I want to leave. I don’t even remember the person I used to be. 

 

[Cookiedough]

Can someone please help

[Chris2020]

Ultimately you need to stop doing what your doing and just deal with it. I know that sounds harsh but its the only way to improving. 

Should take you no longer than 15-30 seconds, maybe in your case allow yourself a minute then you must stop and walk away. 

I understand this will be extremely difficult but this is the only way to overcome it. 

Personally there is no other advice you can be told to help the situation. What you need to understand is nothing bad is going to happen if you do this, just sit with the uncertainty and things will get better. 

[purplegem211]

I completely sympathise and relate to what you are struggling with. I experience the exact same issues when using the toilet and I know how utterly frustrating and time consuming it can be. When wiping I also do this in relation to certain numbers, and what you're saying about the toilet getting blocked also happens to me too! I also bleed VERY heavily during my time of the month, so I completely understand how disgusting and unclean it feels. When it comes to completing tasks that I know will be time consuming and emotionally draining due to my OCD, I simply avoid doing them. So what you're saying about not keeping up with personal hygiene I completely understand!

Unfortunately I do not have any constrictive advice as I have never received professional help for my OCD and have been coping on my own, however I just thought that I would share this with you perhaps to make you feel less alone. Sometimes when I am struggling I just wish that someone would 'get it'. OCD is such a complex disorder, and the feelings and sensations that I get can be impossible to describe, or just down right embarrassing. But it shouldn't be like this! You are not alone in your struggles. Whatever you are feeling right now, so many other people are feeling too. OCD is such a misunderstood disorder and it is so ******* isolating. The things that you're doing/ feeling are not weird! They are symptoms of a disorder and don't define you as a person

[Lennon841]

Sounds like you are going through hell. Maybe set your goals to a more realistic level at first. Take a 55 minute shower and see how that feels for example and go from there. Everybody is different and it’s very easy for someone to say that you should be taking 15-30 seconds for a particular body part when they aren’t going through the same form of OCD. Speak to your doctor, don’t go through it alone. 

Edited February 22, 2021 by Lennon841