This week's plan

[Cora]

Hi, 

Yesterday I talked to my therapist and we agreed that it's time to do some self care and to be kind(er) to myself. We made a plan for this week, before I see her again, where I am supposed to try to have a better sleep pattern (go to bed before midnight and wake up around 8), eat healthier, go for daily walks/runs and purposely sit with the thoughts, especially 'I am a paedophile/abuser/terrible person', until my anxiety is significantly lower. 

I can say that I really want to do this because everything else I've done so far hasn't worked so it's worth a try. But I feel incredibly guilty when I am kind to myself and, instead of it, I don't put myself down. I've done a bit of self care today and I think I feel worse, actually (weird, I know). Any time I try to allow myself to be happy or just have a normal day - where I don't hate myself and keep myself stuck in the same place - I feel guilty and all the memories of the past events where I think I behaved inappropriately and hurt someone (such as boyfriend, brother, cousin and so on) come rushing back. 

I know this is stupid, but, once again, I feel like I don't deserve to treat myself with respect, kindness and love. 

[malina]

Hey Cora,

I understand these feelings so well. I may not have the same obsessions as you, but I feel so much guilt, especially around my family, so the point where I have avoided them and even been horrible to them to push them away. I get the feeling that you don't deserve to be happy, I really do. But I'm trying to learn the same as you, that you have to try and sit with these feelings and do things that make you happy regardless.

You really do have to try this. I am sometimes shocked to see that you posted something at 4am, then at 8am or something along those lines and I wonder if you ever sleep. Sleep deprivation much make your condition so much worse.

It takes practice, you have to just start. It may feel wrong to begin with, but this is something you should have expected to happen. You just have to take it step by step, but it has to start somewhere. 

[Guest lauren415]

When you say you feel guilty doing normal, happy things despite your thoughts I know EXACTLY what you mean. I try to relax and enjoy things but with those thoughts in the back of your mind it’s sooo difficult! Just know that you’re not alone in this

[Cora]

22 hours ago, malina said:

Hey Cora,

I understand these feelings so well. I may not have the same obsessions as you, but I feel so much guilt, especially around my family, so the point where I have avoided them and even been horrible to them to push them away. I get the feeling that you don't deserve to be happy, I really do. But I'm trying to learn the same as you, that you have to try and sit with these feelings and do things that make you happy regardless.

You really do have to try this. I am sometimes shocked to see that you posted something at 4am, then at 8am or something along those lines and I wonder if you ever sleep. Sleep deprivation much make your condition so much worse.

It takes practice, you have to just start. It may feel wrong to begin with, but this is something you should have expected to happen. You just have to take it step by step, but it has to start somewhere. 

Hey malina, 

I'm really sorry that you're struggling with this as well. I can understand how terrible it can be. I too have moments where I hate myself so much that I'm being very mean to my family and my boyfriend (especially my boyfriend!). For example, my boyfriend and I worked together last night and I was just so frustrated with myself for being so weird and abnormal that I had a pretty bad passive-agrressive behaviour towards him for a couple of hours. He is understanding but I'm pretty sure that if I keep doing this, this relationship won't last for too long. 

I'm struggling today quite a lot. I just don't know how to sit down and do my work without constantly worrying that it's all pointless if I am this terrible person. And I only have a week to complete two important assignments. I'm really scared I'll fail this year as well and then it's all over. I hate feeling guilty and worthless. 

I hope you are okay, @malina. I hope things are not too bad. I know this is weird but sometimes when you read someone's reply you can tell how they're feeling, and to me you sounded a bit upset.  

Edited February 27, 2021 by Cora

[Cora]

19 hours ago, lauren415 said:

When you say you feel guilty doing normal, happy things despite your thoughts I know EXACTLY what you mean. I try to relax and enjoy things but with those thoughts in the back of your mind it’s sooo difficult! Just know that you’re not alone in this

Hey lauren,

Thank you for your reply. 

I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this as well. Stay strong!

[Bodge]

Hi Cora.. I am pleased to read this post....you deserve to be kind to yourself and to feel better....your therapist has given you good advice.... please stick with it and follow her advice. YOU deserve to be free from this... YOU deserve to be happy and YOU need to be kind to yourself xxxx I hope this is the start of recovery for you.xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 27, 2021 by Bodge

[malina]

1 hour ago, Cora said:

Hey malina, 

I'm really sorry that you're struggling with this as well. I can understand how terrible it can be. I too have moments where I hate myself so much that I'm being very mean to my family and my boyfriend (especially my boyfriend!). For example, my boyfriend and I worked together last night and I was just so frustrated with myself for being so weird and abnormal that I had a pretty bad passive-agrressive behaviour towards him for a couple of hours. He is understanding but I'm pretty sure that if I keep doing this, this relationship won't last for too long. 

I'm struggling today quite a lot. I just don't know how to sit down and do my work without constantly worrying that it's all pointless if I am this terrible person. And I only have a week to complete two important assignments. I'm really scared I'll fail this year as well and then it's all over. I hate feeling guilty and worthless. 

I hope you are okay, @malina. I hope things are not too bad. I know this is weird but sometimes when you read someone's reply you can tell how they're feeling, and to me you sounded a bit upset.  

I'm doing okay @Cora, thanks for asking, I really appreciate it!! I'm not really upset, I think it's just that I practically grew up behaving and thinking like this, because my OCD started when I was quite little (I remember it when I was around 4-5 years old) and the main symptom back then was guilt about absolutely everything. I would either confess to my mum non-stop or avoid my family altogether. I remember at the end of every school year, my mum took me shopping to buy something I wanted as a gift for getting good grades. Even though I was doing well in school, I felt so guilty, like I was a bad person and didn't deserve her love or the present. I had no idea about OCD at that time so I had no alternative explanation, it seemed so true and I think it was a really bad pattern to build up. Even now when I see my family, I feel so much guilt. They know about my OCD and it's all good, but I think it took so much away from our relationship, especially with my mum. Don't let the same happen to you, time flies and bad habits build up quickly, you have to change it now.

In my case, I'm not struggling on a daily basis anymore, but I am becoming more and more aware of how deeply OCD has infiltrated my life and I'm trying to root it out, change my behaviours wherever I can. I think you're still young enough and it's still early enough for your to be able to make a change now before it does the same to you.

And yes, you have to be careful about how you treat your boyfriend. Honestly, he sounds like a really good guy from everything you've said about him. You are both lucky to have each other (he is lucky to have you too, before you say otherwise!). I understand that when you're upset, you take it out on the people closest to you, I do the same thing...but it's not fair.

Regarding your assignments, I know it's really hard but you have to do them. Don't let OCD take even more away from you than it already has. Think of it this way, your education has nothing to do with your morals as a person. There are lots of terrible people with really good university degrees. I'm not saying that you are terrible at all, but you get the idea...you don't need to be a good person to finish uni, you just need to put in the work and any type of person can do that. Out of curiousity, what are you studying? (you don't have to say if you don't want to!).

 

[MarieJo]

I also empathise Malina and Cora. OCD really takes away so much from your life if you let it.  I have underachieved my whole life because of it, that fills me with regret and sadness if I think too much about it. Malina is right Cora, you need to get these assignments done. If you don't you will still be battling OCD but will fail your second year at university and have more issues. You really do need to be kinder to yourself and more understanding. You are kind to everyone else. You too Malina. It's ironic that people with OCD show such kindness and empathy to others but are so harsh on themselves. I am no different. Cora, you are on the right track to recovery. Just do as your therapist says. You will not feel better overnight but small changes will occur then they will become bigger changes over time. Your boyfriend does seem like a really nice guy.  Try your best to not take out your frustration on him, as you know, it isn't fair to and you don't want to lose him.

[Cora]

22 hours ago, Bodge said:

Hi Cora.. I am pleased to read this post....you deserve to be kind to yourself and to feel better....your therapist has given you good advice.... please stick with it and follow her advice. YOU deserve to be free from this... YOU deserve to be happy and YOU need to be kind to yourself xxxx I hope this is the start of recovery for you.xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

18 hours ago, MarieJo said:

I also empathise Malina and Cora. OCD really takes away so much from your life if you let it.  I have underachieved my whole life because of it, that fills me with regret and sadness if I think too much about it. Malina is right Cora, you need to get these assignments done. If you don't you will still be battling OCD but will fail your second year at university and have more issues. You really do need to be kinder to yourself and more understanding. You are kind to everyone else. You too Malina. It's ironic that people with OCD show such kindness and empathy to others but are so harsh on themselves. I am no different. Cora, you are on the right track to recovery. Just do as your therapist says. You will not feel better overnight but small changes will occur then they will become bigger changes over time. Your boyfriend does seem like a really nice guy.  Try your best to not take out your frustration on him, as you know, it isn't fair to and you don't want to lose him.

Thank you very much for your kind words and support, @Bodge and @MarieJo. You are very kind to me and I really appreciate that.  

[Cora]

21 hours ago, malina said:

I'm doing okay @Cora, thanks for asking, I really appreciate it!! I'm not really upset, I think it's just that I practically grew up behaving and thinking like this, because my OCD started when I was quite little (I remember it when I was around 4-5 years old) and the main symptom back then was guilt about absolutely everything. I would either confess to my mum non-stop or avoid my family altogether. I remember at the end of every school year, my mum took me shopping to buy something I wanted as a gift for getting good grades. Even though I was doing well in school, I felt so guilty, like I was a bad person and didn't deserve her love or the present. I had no idea about OCD at that time so I had no alternative explanation, it seemed so true and I think it was a really bad pattern to build up. Even now when I see my family, I feel so much guilt. They know about my OCD and it's all good, but I think it took so much away from our relationship, especially with my mum. Don't let the same happen to you, time flies and bad habits build up quickly, you have to change it now.

In my case, I'm not struggling on a daily basis anymore, but I am becoming more and more aware of how deeply OCD has infiltrated my life and I'm trying to root it out, change my behaviours wherever I can. I think you're still young enough and it's still early enough for your to be able to make a change now before it does the same to you.

And yes, you have to be careful about how you treat your boyfriend. Honestly, he sounds like a really good guy from everything you've said about him. You are both lucky to have each other (he is lucky to have you too, before you say otherwise!). I understand that when you're upset, you take it out on the people closest to you, I do the same thing...but it's not fair.

Regarding your assignments, I know it's really hard but you have to do them. Don't let OCD take even more away from you than it already has. Think of it this way, your education has nothing to do with your morals as a person. There are lots of terrible people with really good university degrees. I'm not saying that you are terrible at all, but you get the idea...you don't need to be a good person to finish uni, you just need to put in the work and any type of person can do that. Out of curiousity, what are you studying? (you don't have to say if you don't want to!).

 

Hey @malina,

Thank you very much for your reply and for sharing all this with me, I really appreciate it. Also, I'm really sorry that your life, especially your childhood, was affected so much by OCD. I feel like I want to give you a hug! But, and I'm not trying to be positive in a toxic way, I think all that pain made you so strong and courageous!

I'm studying Human Bioscience which means I'm doing a lot of biology. I'm not the greatest student and at the moment I'm struggling quite a lot. I don't even know if I'm going to use this degree, if I ever get one, but I need to finish uni so my parents could be happy at least. 

[Cora]

I don't want to disappoint anyone but today I feel very dirty. 

Two nights ago I had a dream where I touched my brother inappropriately and in the dream it felt like I actually enjoyed it. Today my brother gave me a hug and he accidently touched my private area. I pushed him away as a reflex but of course, just like in the dream, I felt like I enjoyed it. I then started to ruminate whether I really like that he touches me there (it's not the first time this happens) or not, and the answer was not nice at all.

Also, there's something weird going on that to me makes no sense. So today I was working on one of my assignments and because I am quite being will all the material, I got very frustrated that I didn't understand what I was reading and what I had to do. As soon as that feeling of frustration came in, my head and body were bombarded with thoughts and urges, respectively, that I want to sexually abuse my brother. This makes no sense yet it keeps happening - I've noticed it before but only now I gave it attention because of terrible it feels. 

Thank you for listening. 

[Cora]

I'm sorry, I really don't know what's going on with me today but my brother just gave me a kiss on the cheek and I felt like I wanted to be intimate with him. It makes me sick but this is my actual thought process.

I know that what I'm doing - coming here an confessing - is not helping me but the feelings and thoughts are way too overwhelming today. 

[PolarBear]

You still have to resist. Confessing is not going to improve your situation.

[Caramoole]

4 hours ago, Cora said:

I know that what I'm doing - coming here an confessing - is not helping me but the feelings and thoughts are way too overwhelming today. 

All the more reason to do your best to resist doing it.  Make some notes as to how you might do this differently and discuss it with you therapist to find a way to approach this in a more beneficial way.  It's hard Cora, I appreciate:)