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How can I help my son?


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Hi All,

I’m new here, but not new to OCD. I have suffered with it myself, on and off, for years, but never in a truly debilitating way (it usually manifests itself in checking and the occasional intrusive thought, which I can mostly deal with).

My problem is how I can best support my son, 24, who is suffering terribly with OCD - both intrusive thoughts (of a sexual nature), and contamination fear. He was previously treated with Sertraline which he said did not help, so I stopped taking it after a year. He also self-referred for online CBT at my suggestion, but only participated in 3 sessions as he said that didn’t help either.

He is now waiting for a new referral for talking therapy, which is likely to be online due to the pandemic, but in the meantime I can see him getting worse and worse, isolating himself from the family, washing his hands until they are red raw, and avoiding situations that could trigger his intrusive thoughts.

He’s meant to be trying to finish a university degree (he failed his final year due to the illness) and I can see him failing again this time if his mental health does not improve.

I’m desperate to help him. What can I do?

Thank you in advance.

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Hi Coco,

Welcome to the forum? 

I really feel for you. I honestly think supporting a loved one living with the disorder is one of the hardest jobs out there. You're caught between a rock and a hard place because so much about recovery rests on the person themselves. But having said that though, we have this conference presentation by Dr Callaghan that gives some helpful tips around supporting a loved one.

https://www.ocduk.org/conference/conference-map/family/helping-family-member-with-ocd/

But I wonder if your son also needs to be a bit more realistic about the sort of timeframe he needs to be looking at to overcome the problem. It's not really realistic to expect a huge improvement after only three sessions...from memory I think I completed ten or so and even then there have been ups and downs.

Do you know if he's also done some groundwork with the use of self help books or would he consider at some point maybe having a chat here? Above all though, please remember too to look after yourself while you're helping your son through this. OCD can put a huge strain on everyone it touches.

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Thank you so much for your response @Hal - it’s truly appreciated.

I’ve purchased the book mentioned here via Amazon (Break Free from OCD...) and it should arrive tomorrow. I managed to read a fair bit of it via Amazon, and while I totally understand it, I’m not sure my son will be receptive enough at this point in time.

He’s spent the best part of this afternoon cleaning the interior of our shared car. While I’m grateful he’s participating in the care of the car, and I’m glad it’s getting him outside, I can’t help thinking that it’s yet another manifestation of his contamination issues.

I will try to encourage him to talk here. I’m not sure he will, but I need all the help I can get (as does he) at this point.

Thank you again.

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So sorry to read your son is suffering so much. Have you opened up to him about your own struggles with the illness? My son opened up to me when he was about 12 and told me he was getting harm intrusive thoughts. He had already gone through contamination OCD at the age of 5/6. It really helped him when i told him i suffered with intrusive thoughts too. I had not told him before. My son says he doesn't suffer with them anymore. He is now 18.

I would also suggest your son tries therapy again. I had one therapist that didn't help at all but another one who helped more. However, personally i have found this forum has helped me more than any therapy. I feel less alone. As a kid I genuinely thought I was the only person in the whole world who struggled with this disorder. Like you said, try to persuade him to join this forum.

Also maybe your son could ask the gp for a different medication. Sertraline does not work for everyone.

I really hope things improve for him. It is bad enough to suffer yourself but to see your children suffer is the worst pain of all.  Look after yourself too as this must be very upsetting for you xx

 

 

Edited by MarieJo
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Thank you, @MarieJo for being so supportive. Yes, I’ve opened up about my own issues in the past (which also makes me feel terribly guilty; has he inherited this illness from me?); I think he’s affected far, far worse than I ever have been, though. At present it seems to be all-consuming.

I’ve sent him a link to this forum. Hopefully he will at least take a look, even if he decides not to participate just yet.

Thank you again for your response.

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22 hours ago, CocoChanel said:

 I can’t help thinking that it’s yet another manifestation of his contamination issues.

I agree with you, it sounds very much like it is.

This might be tricky, but as it's your car too....you could give striking a deal a try next time. Something along the lines of cleaning the car's fine so long as he sticks to a time limit.  That way you wouldn't be asking him to go completely cold turkey not carrying out the compulsion, while getting him going in the right direction with an exposure exercise. It's so easy I know for me to suggest that, but that's ultimately what he needs to gradually work on. 

I really hope he will take a look at forum though...there's so much support and experience here, I really think it would help.

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I am not sure there is a one size fit's all answer to overcoming OCD, but I was most helped by undergoing exposure therapy, the basis of which is that in order to overcome OCD, we have to learn to live with the anxiety that drives the compulsions. Essentially instead of completing the compulsive behaviour (checking, cleaning, etc), one is able to sit and feel (not avoid) the anxiety and face it. Saying that it is probably best done with a therapist as otherwise it could go very wrong!

Whilst I have not yet read these books (I was actually just looking at buying them), the authors helped me with my OCD:

  • Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder by David Veale & Rob Willson (a new edition is due out some time this year) link
  • Taking Control of OCD by David Veale & Rob Willson (link)

The 2nd book might be inspiring as it contains stories of others who have struggled with OCD and overcome.

You could also try contacting the authors to see if they can help you as I believe they still practise.

 

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On 28/02/2021 at 14:52, Hal said:

This might be tricky, but as it's your car too....you could give striking a deal a try next time. Something along the lines of cleaning the car's fine so long as he sticks to a time limit. 

That sounds like a really good idea, @Hal. Thank you.

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16 hours ago, rob_support said:

The 2nd book might be inspiring as it contains stories of others who have struggled with OCD and overcome.

You could also try contacting the authors to see if they can help you as I believe they still practise.

 

Thank you @rob_support. I’ll take a look at the books.

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Good news. My son spoke to his GP yesterday and has been prescribed Sertraline again. He has also received a note from the GP which he can send to his uni, so hopefully that will get him some wiggle room with his assignments. And he’s reading the Break Free from OCD book!

Fingers crossed this marks a turning point and that he has the strength to stick at battling this horribly debilitating illness.

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Oh that's fantastic Coco...he's definitely moving in the right direction, particularly taking a look at 'Break Free..' That will help so much while he's waiting for the CBT to start. Kudos to you too for being there for him and helping him navigate his way through this. 

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Hi Coco,

I've nothing to add in terms of the excellent advice already offered, just wanted to offer further encouragment. My son was in his final year at uni when OCD reared its ugly head. Uni were very understanding, giving him deadline extensions etc. He was also prescribed sertraline which did help with his depression (he was in the depths of despair thinking he was a horrible person) and his anxiety. He too read Breaking Free from OCD whilst waiting to access CBT.  We are now 18 months down the line, it hasn't been easy and there have been (and no doubt will continue to be) set backs along the way, however (and despite the pandemic) he is now in a much better place and generally enjoying and living life again.

Wishing you and your son best of luck in your journey.  

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21 hours ago, ConcernedMum said:We are now 18 months down the line, it hasn't been easy and there have been (and no doubt will continue to be) set backs along the way, however (and despite the pandemic) he is now in a much better place and generally enjoying and living life again.

Wishing you and your son best of luck in your journey.  

Thank you so much @ConcernedMum. That’s very reassuring to read. Did your son eventually graduate?

I so hope my son completes his degree, no matter how long it takes him. It’s hard seeing someone so talented and intelligent debilitated by this horrible illness. He deserves better.

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5 minutes ago, CocoChanel said:

I so hope my son completes his degree, no matter how long it takes him. It’s hard seeing someone so talented and intelligent debilitated by this horrible illness. He deserves better.

Hi @CocoChanel,

My OCD got really bad when I was in my second year at uni. I didn't have a diagnosis, had never seeked any kind of professional help before and had no idea what I was dealing with. It was really the worst time of my life and disrupted everything. But I did manage to finish my degree and I have no doubt that your son can too. I think that you just need to utilise as much of the support offered by the uni as you can. I don't know how much they already know, but he can get support and extensions. A good place to start is speaking to his personal tutor, the uni should also have mental health services and so on. There are plenty of resources these days, you just have to reach out and follow their protocol. Best of luck!

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Thank you @malina.

Sadly, the nature of my son’s intrusive thoughts is such that he doesn’t wish to take up the uni’s support offerings. He did get extensions last year, but then just couldn’t face the work, so failed his final year (after achieving 2:1’s in both his 1st and 2nd years). He’s now meant to be completing his dissertation and final 3 modules, but has once again come to a standstill. He saw his GP last week and I believe he has been ‘signed off sick’, but I’m not sure he has forwarded his certificate to the university yet. As he’s 24 and considered an adult, I feel I have very little opportunity to speak on his behalf (nor would I wish to without his permission).

Ho hum. All I can do is continue to encourage him to seek assistance. In the meantime I may have to bite the bullet and seek private treatment for him...

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16 minutes ago, humbleno1 said:

just like to say, its great as a mother to be so involved and in tune with your sons mental health i think its what probably makes alot of difference to people getting on the right track for adulthood, sadly i never got that.

Thank you @humbleno1

I’m sorry you didn’t get the support you needed at the time. Hopefully you’ve managed to overcome this terrible illness on your own, but if you haven’t, then these forums are a great source of support and advice, don’t you think?

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4 hours ago, CocoChanel said:

Thank you @malina.

Sadly, the nature of my son’s intrusive thoughts is such that he doesn’t wish to take up the uni’s support offerings. He did get extensions last year, but then just couldn’t face the work, so failed his final year (after achieving 2:1’s in both his 1st and 2nd years). He’s now meant to be completing his dissertation and final 3 modules, but has once again come to a standstill. He saw his GP last week and I believe he has been ‘signed off sick’, but I’m not sure he has forwarded his certificate to the university yet. As he’s 24 and considered an adult, I feel I have very little opportunity to speak on his behalf (nor would I wish to without his permission).

Ho hum. All I can do is continue to encourage him to seek assistance. In the meantime I may have to bite the bullet and seek private treatment for him...

Would it be possible for him to take a term off, rather than just getting extensions? It might make it easier to have a break, get his head into a better place and start fresh with the material.

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7 hours ago, CocoChanel said:

Thank you so much @ConcernedMum. That’s very reassuring to read. Did your son eventually graduate?

Hi, yes he did! He struggled to concentrate with his dissertation and was given a significant extension for it, but got there in the end.

He started therapy just before the end of his first term - without that I'm not sure he would have finished the course. He saw a private therapist as there was a significant wait through the NHS and we're fortunate enough to be in a position to afford it. 

The pandemic also probably helped a little as he came home just before the first lockdown. He was still behind with his work at that point, but with little else to do (and continuing his therapy online) he made really good progress.

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23 hours ago, malina said:

Would it be possible for him to take a term off, rather than just getting extensions? It might make it easier to have a break, get his head into a better place and start fresh with the material.

I’m not sure, @malina. He’s already exhausted all student finance funds because he did a year of another degree course before he started the course he’s meant to be trying to complete. 
I think I’ll ask him - when he seems a little less fragile - whether he’d allow me to advocate for him for a little while...

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21 hours ago, ConcernedMum said:

Hi, yes he did! He struggled to concentrate with his dissertation and was given a significant extension for it, but got there in the end.

That’s lovely to hear, @ConcernedMum. You must all be very relieved. And I bet you’re proud that he achieved it, particularly in the face of such adversity. That shows just how strong he actually is.

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