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I'm sorry, today is much worse than yesterday. 

Today, from the moment I woke up until now, I felt aroused (like, truly aroused!) when I read that a child was sexually abused. I felt aroused while watching random videos of dogs and cats. And when I mean aroused it's not just a groinal/physical response, it's also  a response in my head and heart.

I know I complain a lot but it really feels like I enjoy these feelings. It really feels like I want to act on them. It's really bad. 

I'm not doing any work my therapist assigned me. I just don't have the energy to do it. I don't know how all this can be OCD when I truly feel like I want to act on ALL my thoughts and urges. 

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1 hour ago, PolarBear said:

Do the work. It's the only way out of this.

But how do I do the work when I'm convinced that it's not OCD and that I really like all these feelings? I feel like I'm as bad as I was 2 months ago. 

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It's true Cora. It may feel tough doing what your therapist suggested. This is temporary pain for long term gain. If you don't do it, things will continue to get worse and you'll just have long term pain.

Many of us have been exactly where you are...and many of us did ERP and had to face our fears head on. We know what a struggle this is, but it's better than the alternative. So come on, stop thinking about it and just start working!

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7 hours ago, Cora said:

I'm not doing any work my therapist assigned me.

Well things won't improve Cora, will they? You'll continue to have days that are worse.  It needn't be that way but ultimately you have to change what you do.

The forum can't offer the reassurance you crave.....nor are they going to tell you you're a bad, dangerous person.  So you have to ask yourself what it is you're looking for.  The forum has given reassurance and explanation in many forms for a couple of years now.  You have seen several therapists if I remember rightly.  All have explained the things you need to do or at least start to do.  It needs your input Cora.

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I forgot to mention something important. When I read that story about that child being sexually abused, I felt like I was really curious about it in a sick way. It's like I wanted to know details so I could feel aroused. And I don't think this is normal behaviour for someone with OCD. 

I'm sorry. Today I woke up early, took your advice and decided to have do the work but as soon as I remembered that I went back to feeling worthless and sick. 

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30 minutes ago, Cora said:

I forgot to mention something important. When I read that story about that child being sexually abused, I felt like I was really curious about it in a sick way. It's like I wanted to know details so I could feel aroused. And I don't think this is normal behaviour for someone with OCD. 

I'm sorry. Today I woke up early, took your advice and decided to have do the work but as soon as I remembered that I went back to feeling worthless and sick. 

I'm sorry to be so blunt Cora, but nobody is interested in your confessions.

What I am interested in is how you're going to get your assignments done today. There isn't much time left, it's still early morning and you have the whole day, right? Are you going to sit down and do it?

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11 minutes ago, malina said:

I'm sorry to be so blunt Cora, but nobody is interested in your confessions.

What I am interested in is how you're going to get your assignments done today. There isn't much time left, it's still early morning and you have the whole day, right? Are you going to sit down and do it?

Thank you, @malina.

I know my confessions are getting boring but I think this one, like so many others, is awful. I so want to ask if you think I did something bad but I know that's not possible. 

I am going to sit down and do some work after I've made breakfast for my brother. I don't know how much I'll get done though as I'm not feeling well (my head hurts and feel a bit sick). But I will try my best as I have no other choice. 

Thank you again, malina. 

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3 minutes ago, Cora said:

Thank you, @malina.

I know my confessions are getting boring but I think this one, like so many others, is awful. I so want to ask if you think I did something bad but I know that's not possible. 

I am going to sit down and do some work after I've made breakfast for my brother. I don't know how much I'll get done though as I'm not feeling well (my head hurts and feel a bit sick). But I will try my best as I have no other choice. 

Thank you again, malina. 

Cora, if I answered your question "did I do something bad?", I would be the bad person because I would be doing something that hurts your recovery.

Good luck with your assignment, you can do it! I think that often when we have no other choice and we have to get something done, we manage to find a way, so you will find a way too!

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Cora, ultimately the choice of recovery or more pain and misery is in your hands. So you have a choice a) Believe it's not OCD, that you are a sexual deviant and torture yourself every second of every day b) Believe that you are suffering from OCD (or at least may be) and take the advice of a professional with the view to getting your life back. Errmmmmm it's a no brainer isn't it? You have been told over and over and over again that OCD gets worse if you do not stop the compulsions.  You have also been told that OCD can create very strong physical reactions too, not just by professionals but by long term sufferers..who in my book know more than the best professional the depths this this vile disorder can descend to. Please do your therapy homework, take your medication and do your university work or you really are going to plummet deeper. 

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I'm sorry, @malina and @MarieJo, I just can't stop thinking about it. Even though I confessed I still feel the same, if not worse. I'm sure what I did was really, really bad. I enjoyed reading about a child being abused. I actually felt like I was waiting for certain details to come up in the story. I know it's only my fault and coming here to talk about it won't change anything but I don't know what else to do. 

I'm really sorry for upsetting you. 

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1 hour ago, Cora said:

I'm sorry, @malina and @MarieJo, I just can't stop thinking about it. Even though I confessed I still feel the same, if not worse. I'm sure what I did was really, really bad. I enjoyed reading about a child being abused. I actually felt like I was waiting for certain details to come up in the story. I know it's only my fault and coming here to talk about it won't change anything but I don't know what else to do. 

I'm really sorry for upsetting you. 

Cora, you are not upsetting us. It's yourself that you should be sorry to for putting yourself through so much misery.

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Cora, I can't let you continue with these constant confessions

2 hours ago, Cora said:

It won't change anything but I don't know what else to do. 

It has been explained hundreds of times here and by your therapist what you must do but you're not taking that advice.  Nobody doubts how real this feels, we've all been there in similar ways but the advice remains the same.  You have to decide whether to start doing the work that your therapist has asked you to work on or carry on struggling.  :(

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5 hours ago, Caramoole said:

Cora, I can't let you continue with these constant confessions

It has been explained hundreds of times here and by your therapist what you must do but you're not taking that advice.  Nobody doubts how real this feels, we've all been there in similar ways but the advice remains the same.  You have to decide whether to start doing the work that your therapist has asked you to work on or carry on struggling.  :(

The thing is, however, in this case it wasn't my OCD, it was me. I did something bad. I chose the read that story for sick reasons. The more I think about it, the better I understand how bad it actually is. 

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I'm sorry Cora but we can't engage with you on this. 

Make some notes and discuss with your therapist what she sees as the way forward.  I think it would also be helpful to make an appointment with your GP, explain  how you're feeling and ask for some more specialised help., someone who help you to move forward.

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@Cora, you're going down the same track again. You confess, we give advice, you ignore it and add more detail to your confession. You have to start listening, nobody is going to engage in this self destructive path that you're on.

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6 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

When you post a thread Cora, what is it that you're wanting people to say?  What are you wanting people to tell you?  There must be some reasoning (to you) in what you're wanting

Well, in this case, I want to know what people think of what I did. I want to know how bad it is. I'm sorry. 

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You've heard what we think many times.  It's not a question that anyone is going to offer feedback on Cora, it's been explained why.  That's why I feel you need to see your GP and get some more specialised help because what we're offering here isn't enough.  

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Okay, I understand. I feel like I've upset you and that is really not my intention, but I really feel like I've crossed the line once again. I expected so much more from myself and knowing I'm capable of such disgusting things upsets me so much. 

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37 minutes ago, Cora said:

Well, in this case, I want to know what people think of what I did. I want to know how bad it is. I'm sorry. 

This is reassurance seeking, something you have continually done for a long time. Reassurance is the one thing we can't give you.

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1 hour ago, Caramoole said:

You've heard what we think many times.  It's not a question that anyone is going to offer feedback on Cora, it's been explained why.  That's why I feel you need to see your GP and get some more specialised help because what we're offering here isn't enough.  

@Caramoole, I'm sorry but when you say that I need to get some more specialised help, do you mean someone who deals with something worse than OCD? 

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I mean more specialised help in OCD and anxiety disorders.  Someone who can help you get to a place where you understand it and can then engage in the process of getting better.  But you need more help Cora.  You are a young woman who's life is a mess at the moment.  You're not making any progress with the support that you have at the moment.  You need to reach out and let someone help you.

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11 hours ago, Caramoole said:

I mean more specialised help in OCD and anxiety disorders.  Someone who can help you get to a place where you understand it and can then engage in the process of getting better.  But you need more help Cora.  You are a young woman who's life is a mess at the moment.  You're not making any progress with the support that you have at the moment.  You need to reach out and let someone help you.

Hey @Caramoole, I think that lack of support from the GP has been one of the biggest barriers in this situation. I apologise if I have misunderstood anything @Cora, but from what I remember Cora was seeing a private therapist last year that she could no longer afford, so was then referred by this therapist to IAPT who have an incredibly long waiting list. She then stopped therapy and was waiting for IAPT but she's still on the waiting list. As things were getting worse, many of us urged her to go to the GP and she did do this. The GP prescribed medication but essentially said that, beyond IAPT, there was nothing else they could offer her. Then as things continued to get worse, we encouraged her to try private therapy again and this is how she started with the current therapist.

So in theory, it makes perfect sense to speak to your GP and ask them for help. However, I always wondered what anyone can do if their GP basically says that they don't have much to offer.

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