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Husband's OCD is affecting me more than I realise ...


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Husband has been receiving therapy (currently weekly phone calls due to Covid) for his contamination OCD since September time but I'm not seeing any signs of improvement, if nothing he's getting worse.  I am finally realising that his OCD is affecting more than I realise but have no-one to talk to about, nor have I ever told anyone.  He will now allow anyone in the house (pre Covid) to do DIY as believe the tools they will use are dirty and believe generally that workman do not wash their hands after touching bins, going to toilet etc (he has experienced this in past when working as electrician) so will attempt all DIY himself.  For the past 10+ years, our lounge is a shell with no ceiling, floor or front window (this is boarded up).  To add to the stress, my mother passed away on Christmas eve and I had just a few weeks to clear her house.  with lockdown the options to donate to charity were not possible so we now have the contents of her house in our lounge.  Our 'lounge' is a spare bedroom where we sit to eat dinner on two deckchairs.  I have to bring dinner up stairs each night.  The kitchen is declared as the most clean room in the house (the only one we have renovated since we moved in 20+ years ago and have to have separate slippers for this room, which I have to change each time I go in/out the room. Sounds extreme to most but almost feels normal to me.  We have paid for the same brickwork area to be rebuilt by 5 different builders as each one hasn't done it to his exacting standards (3/4mm out) and he spent hours washing each brick before the builder could use them.  It's still not fixed - we have boarded up lounge window, boarded up patio doors and back door so the house is cold (I have Raynauds so not great for me).   I am constantly being told to 'wash my hands' and feel like a 5 year old.  I cannot take the rubbish out to the bins as I will have dirty hands when I come back in and then will touch the taps to wash my hands.  He has a separate 'outfit' to take the rubbish out and when he does I have to open/close the door and then turn the taps on and pump liquid soap into his hands each time.  If I take the rubbish out he will go ballistic and spend hours washing the taps and door handles after.  He spends up to 2 hours in the shower, scrubbing himself - we never get into bed until the very early hours - between 1 and 2am (last night it was 3.40am).  Our monthly water bill is over £100. Quite frankly I'm exhausted.  HIs work is very stressful so he has been working 9/10 hours a day so never has time to do other chores (I do all washing, cooking etc) but I feel that I don't look after myself.  Luckily I am still working at home, as barely get chance to brush my hair/teeth or generally make an effort in my appearance.  I am dreading going back to work as have put on so much weight and generally feel that I don't want to go out.   I have some health issues of my own which I am supposed to manage but never have enough time to myself to do this.  I don't know whether I am being dramatic by saying that I think I am depressed (i don't know if I am) - I honestly cannot see how we can get ourselves out of this situation.   I feel like like is passing us by and we are just surviving, not living.  I love my husband dearly and desperately want to help him but I just can't see anything improving.  I have no idea if the person he chats too knows the extent of his OCD - he was considered extreme during the referral process, so I hope so.  I just don't know what to do to help him - if a professional cannot help, then I'm hardly going to be able to?  I know OCD is not 'cured' overnight but I haven't seen any improvement since the therapy started.  I have daily conversations with myself - one minute I think I'm being selfish and should put up with the situation, as it is him suffering with OCD, but on the other hand there are people out there having a life and living it and I want us to have that too without hearing 'wash your hands' every time I touch something.

I'm sorry for the long post - hadn't intended to write this much but I just don't know what to do.  Thank you to anyone that reads my post.  I wish you all a good evening ?

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Hi Krann,

It sounds like your living environment is incredibly difficult to say the least and it's naturally taking a toll on your mental wellbeing. It must be particularly hard if you don't see any hope of improvement in the long term from your husband's therapy sessions. How does your husband think the therapy is going? Does he feel like it is helping him?

In terms of what you can do, like you say you're not a therapist yourself so it can be hard to know what's best. I know some loved ones find learning more about OCD helpful so read self-help books, alternatively we do have a presentation from our online conference on how to help a loved one with OCD here https://www.ocduk.org/conference/conference-map/family/helping-family-member-with-ocd/ Are you able to talk to your husband about how you're feeling OCD is impacting on you?

Gemma :)

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Thank you for your reply Gemma.  He's never been hopeful that any support will make him better and it was a struggle to get him to start the therapy sessions in the first place.  He is set tasks each week but always says he doesn't have time to do them as he works so late each day.   I do try to discuss how we are going to get ourselves out of the situation and I'm mindful not to put the blame on him but it always ends in an argument and nothing changes.  He sees the whole house as dirty - in an ideal world we need to move out, get the work done on all the rooms and move back in, but I can't see that happening, amongst other elements there is the cost of renting somewhere and finding tradesmen that he will allow to do the work.  It's just a hopeless situation.

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On 01/03/2021 at 17:47, KRANN said:

if a professional cannot help, then I'm hardly going to be able to?  

Hi Krann

I'm so sorry that you find yourself living under such strain & so desperately unhappy :(

You can probably help your Husband more than you realise.  Sadly, a professional isn't the person who makes a sufferer better, they can only advise  it the real work has to be done by the sufferer themselves. It's one thing to have therapy sessions and to go along with the therapy sessions, to nod at the right moments, to agree with and understand what's been said......but if that's not followed through with the advice, the homework, the recommendations....nothing  will change.  You could buy a Slimming World magazine every month, read every article, study the recipes but unless you actually follow the suggestions you won't lose weight.  You can buy a gym membership, exercise DVD's but unless you go to the gym or do the exercise DVD's two or three times a week, you won't get fit.  It's the same with therapy......no amount of understanding alone will work.....it's the application of the recommendations that will over time.

Another problem with helping  loved ones is the problem of getting drawn into the complicated and demanding compulsions that they demand.  You are being heavily complicit in this.  It isn't helpful for him and it isn't fair on you.  I know this is extraordinarily difficult for you because you love him, you feel for him, you don't want to hurt him.....and it's likely to cause upset if you don't.....but it isn't helping either him or you to go a,long with this.  OCD is a horrible thing to suffer from but it is treatable .......but it does require the sufferer to do their bit too.  You can support him in this and your support would be better placed in helping you both to get a better life back.

I don't know the extent of your knowledge when it comes to understanding OCD but arming yourself with information is the most helpful tool.  Fortunately, therecis a lot of information available.  Our main website has an abundance of information that you may find helpful, you can find it HERE - OCD-UK  There are also many books available, a favourite recommendation of ours is Break Free From OCD.......another is a book called Pulling The Trigger.

Your Husband will almost certainly kick back if you challenge him about the situation.  Of course he will, because facing the scary changes will cause him anxiety, he wants to preserve his (perceived) safety, he doesn't want to face that fear and anxiety.....and yet it's a false ambition, he faces that anxiety daily anyway.  Better to be anxious whilst getting better than to feel anxious anyway.

You say your Husband works as an Electrician.  All credit to him for getting out there to work.  He can't control what goes on in a customers home or on a building site......such is the absurdity of OCD to think that by putting extreme measures into your home keeps him or you safe!

I speak to you as a sufferer....or as someone who is 95%+ in charge of OCD.  My first episode was in 1976 so that's 45 years in total.  Back then there was no information or support available, the diagnosis of, or term OCD didn't even exist.  I suffered in secret for over 20 years.  I only mention this to try and convince you that I'm not just being tough, gung ho or under-estimating this.  I know how difficult it is and I know how much resistance you may face.  It's time to change.  It's encouraging to hear that your Husband has entered into therapy...it shows he's prepared to do something about it.  I'd encourage you to be helpful but perhaps a little bit more militant with that help, for both your sakes :)

 

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