Isolated

[CharlieH]

Hi all,

I’m new here. I’ve been struggling with OCD since my early teens. I was diagnosed in my early twenties and was placed on CBT while being medicated for about a year. I’ve just turned thirty, and my OCD is manageable on a day to day basis, as long as there’s an order to my day. I’ll always have a clean house and know where everything is, but I don’t see that as a bad thing. I have strict rules for myself about work life and home life as well. 

My issue now is that I spent that time that I would have made close friendships in therapy or crippled by social anxiety. I’ve managed to isolate myself from the rest of the world. I’ll talk to my colleagues at work, and it’s a line I can’t blur. I’ve been at my job too long to start going on weekend coffee mornings or meet ups. I don’t speak to anyone I went to uni or college with, as I was that ‘strange loner’ who wasn’t great at talking to people.

I have a very close relationship with my family and my husband has worked so hard to learn all my triggers in the last decade, but it has always felt awaits to me that I don’t have a friendship group or even a close friend. 

I just wondered if anyone else had gone through the same thing and what they did to improve their social circle.

[MarieJo]

I don't have exactly the same issue but I can relate in part. I do have mates to go for a coffee with occasionally and for light hearted chat but i have never had a close friend or felt really valued. I had a group of friends in my 20s but they all turned on me and gradually I retreated and left the group and felt awful for years about the experience. There was many toxic aspects of the so called friendship group so it was no loss in reality but it still hurt. In groups I always feel I don't quite fit in tbh. Eventually a few members of the friendship group made contact and amends for their treatment of me some 10 years later but i still feel that rejection and it's stayed with me.

I asked myself what I did and still do to prevent close friendships and if it's ocd related. I think it definitely is. I am not sure about you but my anxiety and my over thinking affects the way i act and perceive situations. I can be seen as confrontational at times but deep down I am very sensitive and just go into self protection mode. I do not try to mend friendships once they start going wrong..i retreat from them and I do not forgive or forget easily. Like you I have a very close relationship with my family. I think that is a factor too.  Maybe we do not value friendships in the same way as family relationships? I feel lonely at times and I guess that's how you feel too?

I have tried to address my lack of good friends and take a hard look at myself...again not sure if it's the same for you but i don't seem to invest much into friendships as I am all consumed with my family, my husband, children and parents in particular and I still have a lot of anxiety related to my OCD. I have tried to make more of an effort (although quite hard for me as i have lost trust in so called friends after my bad past experiences) I try to initiate conversation when i meet people. I approached one lady at the school gate, when my youngest was a baby, and asked if she wanted to take the kids to a soft play area (she had a child the same age) she agreed and we are friends still.

Basically just try to move out of your comfort zone a bit and make the first move if you're lonely. Maybe join a group? Maybe at work just try to make a bit more effort, I know you feel it's too late but things can improve.  They may think you do not want to be their friend, if they knew the truth they would probably be shocked. It isn't too late to change things. You are still young. We all need friends.

Edited March 3, 2021 by MarieJo

[malina]

I think that a lot of people with anxiety tend to over think situations and misinterpret what others are thinking about them. I know with a lot of people that are quiet and withdrawn, I find it hard to make the first move because I don't want to intrude or annoy them. But if you just try to get to know people at work a bit more, you might be pleasantly surprised. You could also pick up a hobby, is there anything you particularly enjoy doing? Like a sport, language class, crafts class. OK all of these are hard to do during lockdown, but could be options later on.

[CharlieH]

Thanks for the advice. I do have work friends, I just find it difficult when they go out to pubs and clubs, as I don’t drink and the noise upsets me. It got to the point where I don’t get invited. My son is a bit older than their children as well, so when they go places like soft play, he’s grown out of that. I did join them for zoom quiz night, but they formed a different chat and I wasn’t in it. I saw that they had planned a murder mystery night on Facebook, which was quite upsetting as I would have loved that. like you said, MarieJo, I overthink my conversations, then go home and analyse what was said and how it may have been interpreted. Though, I do make sure I take part in my departments chat as often as possible, which I find more comfortable as I know those people better. It’s just making the step (post lockdown) of asking if someone wants to go for coffee or take the kids to the park (which is the stressful part for me). 

Last night, when I found this forum, I was looking at books clubs. As an English teacher, the subject topic is in my comfort zone, which would lower my anxiety about having conversations. I’m hoping that this will allow me to start conversations with a clear subject topic which can progress to more informal conversations. 

Thank you both for the replies. Being able to talk through a situation is obviously really important and I appreciate the support.

[Caramoole]

3 hours ago, CharlieH said:

I saw that they had planned a murder mystery night on Facebook, which was quite upsetting as I would have loved that

Has that already happened or is it something in the future?  Either way, raise the conversation casually.

"Are you going on this Murder Mystery?  How do they work, are they all actors? I remember seeing those on television. We never go out much these days but I could fancy that.  It looks a lot of fun"

People probably simply think "Oh Charlie won't want to come"  Nothing sinister.  Sow a few seeds

[MarieJo]

I can see why it hurt not being included in the murder mystery night Charlie. Nobody likes to feel excluded. Perhaps they wrongly assumed it wasn't your scene. Maybe say something along the lines of "next time you do a murder mystery night I would really like to join in". 

I think joining a book club would be a really good idea. As it's something you're genuinely interested in, and comfortable with, I feel you'll find it easier chatting to others and will then find some common ground.

When we feel self conscious we do tend to over analyse what we say and how we are perceived, often being very self critical, but at the end of the day we can only be ourselves.

I think the key is learning to accept and love yourself (not easy when you've battled anxiety most of your life I know) and then you will attract the right kind of friends whose company you enjoy. Best wishes

 

 

 

[malina]

If you're interested in book clubs, I think they are doing some virtually, meetup.com is a good website for finding activities with other people.

[CharlieH]

3 hours ago, Caramoole said:

Has that already happened or is it something in the future?  Either way, raise the conversation casually.

"Are you going on this Murder Mystery?  How do they work, are they all actors? I remember seeing those on television. We never go out much these days but I could fancy that.  It looks a lot of fun"

People probably simply think "Oh Charlie won't want to come"  Nothing sinister.  Sow a few seeds

It had already happened, virtually. When one of the attendees called to see how I was doing (my boss), I mentioned that I liked the make-up she’d done for her character and that it’d looked like fun. I felt really awkward saying it because I always feel like it’s interpreted ‘I know you didn’t invite me’ but she seemed alright with it. We’ve worked together for 7 years now, so she gets that sometimes I’m a little awkward. So, I knew she wouldn’t judge me if I mentioned it to her. I don’t know the people outside of my department well enough to feel comfortable mentioning it to them. It’s just how my school works, it’s difficult to spend time across departments during the day.

[Caramoole]

I'm pleased you mentioned it.  Ask a few more questions sometime.  Say, "I'll have to think about it if there's ever another"