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How do I even find the right words to describe how I've been feeling? I've rambled on and on again about this supposed OCD I have yet I feel like my explanation of what I'm going through is very poor. Well, I'll be going on another rant once again just to organize my thoughts, I guess? Gonna be a bit of a challenge to explain this. 

It seems like I don't know what's with murder anymore. I can't help but focus on that idea about me. I've had some pretty messed up thoughts before regarding things like pedophilia, incest, whatever, but for some reason, these thought revolving around murder have always had my attention. For awhile now, I've always felt like I need analyze these thoughts and try to get myself to understand why it's so bad because here's the thing, I don't understand, and that needs to be fixed so I constantly ruminate. The thoughts currently bothering me is my confusion about why does life matter if we aren't going to remember anything anyways. I will analyze this over and over again by thinking about how it was just nothing before I was born and it didn't affect me therefore I wouldn't have the compacity to care in death. People say "live for the experience" but what good is that experience if we're all just gonna forget it one day anyways? With that thought, I will imagine how there could be a good memory I don't remember in the slightest and how I just don't care and try to find the positive in how at least I got to experience it before I forgot, seeing death much like forgetting things since in theory, we just cease to exist once our time is up. This all ties in with the thought that It doesn't matter if someone dies because they won't care or feel anything afterwards. I struggle to logically disprove these thoughts on the daily. I desperately want to see the value in life and feel human again, but it seems that my efforts are pointless. Knowing this, it's still hard to stop these horrible habits of rumination. Though, if I could stop ruminating on other thoughts before, then I should be able to break this cycle, right? Say, what is the limit for how real OCD can feel? These thoughts of mine genuinely confuse me so it's not like I necessarily disagree with them as OCDers do. It's not like I entirely doubt that OCD has a role in all this but it's hard to tell in the moment. I barely even have the anxiety aspect of it these days and it really feels as though I'm some sort of psychopath. It's kind of ironic isn't it? I used to be so terrified of loosing my sanity but now it seems that those fears have became true.

 

(My FBI agent was definitely reading along as I typed this spiel and now he's very very concerned, LMAO.)

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Hey Savy,

you have an appointment with a therapist in a few days, isn't that right?

I don't think your explanation is poor at all and, from what you've described, it's really not a big challenge to understand (at least for someone who knows about OCD). So your OCD was centred on the idea of harming others, which caused you a great deal of distress. Now you are no longer distressed by the idea of death and think that you have morphed into a psychopath, which is really just another OCD obsession. You are performing lots of compulsions, primarily rumination.

I think that you should just be honest and say all of what you have written above, I think the therapist will understand. Even if it is confusing and doesn't all come out right, it doesn't really matter. I'm sure the therapist will ask you to clarify aspects that they don't understand.

 

Edited by malina
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Look at your post. See where you used the word analyze? There's your compulsion.

You keep trying to figure this out but you fail. At what point are you going to stop trying to figure it out? 

You will NOT find the answer you seek through ruminating. Guaranteed.

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23 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Look at your post. See where you used the word analyze? There's your compulsion.

You keep trying to figure this out but you fail. At what point are you going to stop trying to figure it out? 

You will NOT find the answer you seek through ruminating. Guaranteed.

I start to recognize that but then I think I can't find arguments against these thoughts because they're true.

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So? Leave it alone anyway. 

As I said, you won't find the answers you seek through compulsions. I've been here seven years and not once has somrone come here and said, "My ruminating paid off.  I finally figured it out."

Edited by PolarBear
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3 hours ago, PolarBear said:

So? Leave it alone anyway. 

As I said, you won't find the answers you seek through compulsions. I've been here seven years and not once has somrone come here and said, "My ruminating paid off.  I finally figured it out."

You do bring up some good points and for that, thank you.

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10 hours ago, malina said:

@Savy have you had your therapy session yet? how did it go?

Well, I don't know if you could call it therapy, I saw a psychologist and we're going to get more in depth about my OCD next week, then I'll look into some therapy. This is some scary stuff but other than that, I guess the last appointment wasn't bad. 

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17 hours ago, Savy said:

Well, I don't know if you could call it therapy, I saw a psychologist and we're going to get more in depth about my OCD next week, then I'll look into some therapy. This is some scary stuff but other than that, I guess the last appointment wasn't bad. 

That's good @Savy, at least you have made a start!

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