Bad feeling- is this OCD? (big decision)

[BelAnna]

Hi all,

I have a deferred university place (as a mature student) at a good University. I keep having a thought that something terrible will happen if I take up the place this year and I'm not sure that it's OCD.

Despite now being agnostic (unsure whether God exists or not), I'm worried that either God might be warning me not to do the course (obviously it's a life changing decision because who I meet, where I live, my career etc. in the future will be determined by this decision); OR alternatively that I can just feel myself regretting it in the future (which I know seems to make little sense). I decided to leave the third year of a University course (which I was on track for a first in) five years ago and have regretted it so incredibly much since. At the time, before I withdrew from the course I wrote in my diary 'I'm worried that my future-self might regret this and that I'm/she's somehow yelling back from the future and telling me not to do this BUT...' 

I can't shift this feeling and I think I might turn the opportunity down simply because I'm so scared about this! 

What does everyone think? I guess it sounds like OCD but it could be intuition or something else. There's a chance that it's not the right course and I don't want to regret yet another stupid decision! 

[Angst]

Bad feelings about ‘something terrible will happen’ are part and parcel of anxiety so can be a motivating element in OCD. Post decisional regret is a common phenomenon. As well as thinking that you may regret a decision. Mulling over the consequences of past decisions or projecting into the future that you may regret a decision can lead to an  impasse. This mulling over could be described as rumination. I am personally dubious about the notion of intuition. Your intuition could be your OCD speaking, so to speak. Treatment for OCD in a sense means going against our feelings and this is why treatment can be so difficult. Our rational mind overriding our OCD impulses. We consciously stop doing something which we feel we have to.

In another thread you were thinking of getting therapy from a named expert. How is that plan going?

Edited March 12, 2021 by Angst

[Agrippina]

The way you have described your fear does make it sound like OCD to me.

I am currently applying for jobs, looking at flats and generally planning to move out of my parents home after a long period of my OCD being really bad which forced me to move home. Sometimes I will get really scared and freaked out and consider cancelling/postponing all my plans to move out because things just get overwhelming. The last time it happened I opened up to my mother and we agreed that when the time comes I will move out gradually and maybe for part of each week live in my new flat, rather than suddenly just moving out completely. Is there any way you could make your change to uni life a bit more gradual and therefore a bit less overwhelming? Would you consider part-time or could you possibly go home for the weekends?

[malina]

If you don't do things because you're scared of making the wrong decision, you'll never do anything and that would be the worst thing of all. Be flexible, you can always change and fix things if they don't go well. You left uni a few years ago and now regret it, but are getting a second chance with another course. We all take risks when making a decision, but every mistake can be fixed and you won't know how it'll turn out unless you give it a try. Good luck!!

[MarieJo]

I think it is very much OCD and anxiety. I have similar thoughts ie I am thinking of moving to a more rural location but think if I do my son might die in a car crash on the country roads and I will never forgive myself. It's horrible and I completely understand your apprehension but in reality it's just fear of the unknown. I hope you take up your university place and do not give in to this fear as that's all it is in reality and it has no real logic behind it.

Edited March 12, 2021 by MarieJo

[Caramoole]

Hi Anna

Of course it's OCD

I've watched you for many years now, the time when you gave up the course. If I remember rightly, you gave up on the in-patient therapy.

You are a highly intelligent, clever woman Anna and it's so sad that OCD still has you so strongly in it's grip that it continues to ruin your future.  Have you thought about more treatment?

[iamwesker]

Hello,

 

I hope this helps. I too suffer with religious OCD and God will punish me if I do things I enjoy. I'm currently in CBT and ERP treatment for this. My therapist has told me that this kind of thinking really is OCD and because we continue to give in to these thoughts as not to be punished, then our brain believes it even more

[BelAnna]

On 12/03/2021 at 10:08, Angst said:

Bad feelings about ‘something terrible will happen’ are part and parcel of anxiety so can be a motivating element in OCD. Post decisional regret is a common phenomenon. As well as thinking that you may regret a decision. Mulling over the consequences of past decisions or projecting into the future that you may regret a decision can lead to an  impasse. This mulling over could be described as rumination. I am personally dubious about the notion of intuition. Your intuition could be your OCD speaking, so to speak. Treatment for OCD in a sense means going against our feelings and this is why treatment can be so difficult. Our rational mind overriding our OCD impulses. We consciously stop doing something which we feel we have to.

In another thread you were thinking of getting therapy from a named expert. How is that plan going?

Thank you Angst- yes it does sound like OCD- I do acknowledge that; it's just such an intense 'warning' feeling that I can't shift even though I really want to study the course (hopefully from home) this year. You are right that we're supposed to challenge bad feelings to recover from OCD though. I'm just worried that if I do join the course I will be so preoccupied by this thought that I won't be able to complete the course!

I am exploring options re. treatment- I contacted Dr Forrester as I'd really like her help and I've also contacted some Psychologists at Helloself (which used to be 'Mindworks') so see about appointment availability, in case Dr Forrester is booked up.

21 hours ago, Agrippina said:

The way you have described your fear does make it sound like OCD to me.

I am currently applying for jobs, looking at flats and generally planning to move out of my parents home after a long period of my OCD being really bad which forced me to move home. Sometimes I will get really scared and freaked out and consider cancelling/postponing all my plans to move out because things just get overwhelming. The last time it happened I opened up to my mother and we agreed that when the time comes I will move out gradually and maybe for part of each week live in my new flat, rather than suddenly just moving out completely. Is there any way you could make your change to uni life a bit more gradual and therefore a bit less overwhelming? Would you consider part-time or could you possibly go home for the weekends?

Thanks Agrippina,

That's great that you're moving forward in your life and it sounds like taking it in smaller steps is a great idea. 

I am hoping to contact the Uni about studying online this year as most of the course materials and lectures will be available online and all of the assessments are either online exams or coursework so it could work! I wondered yesterday whether I was just anxious about taking this particular course so I asked the University whether it would be possible to transfer to another course (which potentially leads to more career options) and I would be able to do that so I'm thinking through options etc. 

I hope everything goes really well with your move and job search! 

19 hours ago, malina said:

If you don't do things because you're scared of making the wrong decision, you'll never do anything and that would be the worst thing of all. Be flexible, you can always change and fix things if they don't go well. You left uni a few years ago and now regret it, but are getting a second chance with another course. We all take risks when making a decision, but every mistake can be fixed and you won't know how it'll turn out unless you give it a try. Good luck!!

That's really helpful too, thanks Malina! I can be completely paralysed by anxiety sometimes and somehow I never think 'Oh something terrible will happen if I do nothing!'. 

18 hours ago, MarieJo said:

I think it is very much OCD and anxiety. I have similar thoughts ie I am thinking of moving to a more rural location but think if I do my son might die in a car crash on the country roads and I will never forgive myself. It's horrible and I completely understand your apprehension but in reality it's just fear of the unknown. I hope you take up your university place and do not give in to this fear as that's all it is in reality and it has no real logic behind it.

Thank you MarieJo, I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with this too! My fears include - I or someone I love might be involved in some tragic car accident (like your worry) and that my 'strong warning feeling' is because the accident would be catastrophic ; that I will be completely unsuccessful on the course and ruin any chance I have of a future career etc. It's exhausting worrying so much!

 

15 hours ago, Caramoole said:

Hi Anna

Of course it's OCD

I've watched you for many years now, the time when you gave up the course. If I remember rightly, you gave up on the in-patient therapy.

You are a highly intelligent, clever woman Anna and it's so sad that OCD still has you so strongly in it's grip that it continues to ruin your future.  Have you thought about more treatment?

Hi Caramoole,

Thank you. I did withdraw from my course prematurely but I was very ill with my OCD, panic attacks, social anxiety and Depression and honestly close to breakdown (as well as being very isolated) so I wasn't really in a place to make sound decisions. I did proceed to have a breakdown but I might actually have been better if I had carried on with the course! I regretted the decision immediately and I've sort of grieved for the life I could have had; particularly as some of the classmates that I was originally at Uni with are now successful Psychologists and lawyers.

I completed the full 12 weeks standard treatment stay at the ADRU but I did leave before my month-long extension (which I had to appeal for in front of a panel!) because someone brought Norovirus into the unit and I knew that as it is my main contamination fear there was no chance I would be able to continue with ERP tasks in that environment. Emetophobia is known to be more difficult to treat than standard contamination OCD and although I made some progress, I wasn't well enough to face an outbreak of Norovirus in the unit! 

I'm still officially under a local Community Mental Health Team and was receiving treatment from Psychologists from 2011 until last year but I'm now looking for private treatment from a Psychologist who specialises in CBT.

15 hours ago, iamwesker said:

Hello,

 

I hope this helps. I too suffer with religious OCD and God will punish me if I do things I enjoy. I'm currently in CBT and ERP treatment for this. My therapist has told me that this kind of thinking really is OCD and because we continue to give in to these thoughts as not to be punished, then our brain believes it even more

Thank you Iamwesker- that's helpful. How is your treatment going? 

I'm not so much worried that God will punish me (I alternate between believng God exists but is loving and not keen to punish people OR that he doesn't exist- silly I know) but that he might be warning me to prevent harm coming to myself or my loved one etc. I hate this anxiety- I wish I could just make decisions without these worries!

[malina]

3 hours ago, BelAnna said:

That's really helpful too, thanks Malina! I can be completely paralysed by anxiety sometimes and somehow I never think 'Oh something terrible will happen if I do nothing!'. 

I think it's because we are used to making sacrifices to keep OCD at bay. OCD makes us feel as though doing certain things will keep us safe, even if it means that we lose our quality of life, miss opportunities and even damage relationships.

I think the point is that nothing terrible will happen either way, every decision has costs and benefits but nothing is a disaster and nothing is permanent. However it would be a shame to miss our on an opportunity just because of OCD.