GOING ROUND AND ROUND IN CIRCLES!

[estelle_2021]

Hi All,

I'm feeling VERY stuck, and I know I've been on here quite a lot in the last few days as I'm waiting to begin ERP next week. As my compulsions are around checking, I really don't know if the exposures I'm trying to do are actually becoming compulsive. My Obsessions, in the form of intrusive demands and urges, overwhelm me with the need to view distressing images and things that will disturb me, or to type in certain horrible words and a feeling of "needing to know", and I only get relief once I have done so, so it is massively compulsive and I've been stuck with this for a couple of months now. When I previously got these urges, they freaked me out so much that I ran away from them, which I think in itself became compulsive, but then one night in December it was like my brain broke and I ended up giving in to these urges and as soon as I got that feeling of relief, my brain started firing off all kinds of other alarm bells and demands, so it has been incredibly distressing and chronic. 

This is where I've been getting confused about the information I read about ERP, with rhetoric around "facing your fears" and "confronting what scares you", when I feel like that's what my OCD is telling me to do! With my exposures, I've been doing stuff like going on my phone and sitting with the urges to look up stuff but without actually engaging in that behaviour, or equally, sitting at my laptop to do uni work and letting the thoughts and demands sit there without engaging, which I feel is good exposure work for me, as running away from my phone/laptop would be avoidance. 

However, like I said yesterday, there are certain songs and words that I associate with my obsessions, and I've found myself trying to listen to them and type them in as exposure work but I don't know if that's a compulsion. These songs and words aren't inherently harmful, so I feel like NOT engaging in them feels like avoidance. Equally however, when I engage with them I don't know if I necessarily feel relief in the way I would with a compulsion and I also don't know if I feel an increase in anxiety like I would with an exposure. Maybe I'm reading too much into this, and perhaps leaving these thoughts that I have to engage with these songs and words but WITHOUT engaging is an exposure, and a good opportunity for me to practice disengaging with the thoughts. 

Sorry for such a long rambly message but I just feel like I'm going round and round in circles and getting more and more confused! 

[Gemma@OCDUK]

Hi Estelle

I hope you are feeling a little better today and CBT goes well this week. Hopefully your therapist will manage to help you to understand what is an exposure for you and what is a compulsion. From what you describe, it seems like you spend a lot of time listening to what thoughts come along and then think about them a lot, which may be one of the bigger compulsions you do. Rather than trying to work out if you should or shouldn't do something, perhaps just aim for ignoring what your brain says, attribute the thoughts to OCD and aim for doing things you want to do until therapy starts.

Gemma