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I’m running out of patience


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Hello All.

Our youngest son, 24, does not have a firm diagnosis of OCD, but having read so much about it both here in the forum and on the website, I’m pretty sure that’s what he has.

He is currently waiting for therapy, and is taking medication (Sertraline). In the meantime, we are trying our best to support him while staying firm about not accommodating his requests for reassurance etc. and pointing out when he’s overdoing the hand washing etc. It is hard work which is taking its toll on us all as a family (though being the only female in the household, I seem to be more affected than my husband and eldest son).

My problem is that I sometimes feel I’m running out of patience, and when that happens I feel terribly conflicted. For example, my son shares my car, and we recently had to establish some rules around its use as I was regularly being left without a vehicle when I needed one (we live in a fairly rural area with virtually non-existent transport links). All well and good, you would think. He accepted the rules and thanked me for the privilege.

On Sunday he asked if he could use the car to see his girlfriend (yes, flouting Covid rules, but what can I say) as they were having some relationship issues. I’d done the grocery shopping so knew I wouldn’t need to go anywhere, so I agreed that he could use it. I explained that I would need the car back by 4pm on Tuesday as I was booked for my first Covid vaccination in town.

I texted him at 4pm yesterday to ask when I could expect him to arrive home, and he hadn’t even set off! He was still miles away at his girlfriend’s place and said he had been just about to message me. To say I was livid is an understatement. I had to quickly organise a taxi to get me to the venue,  and leave work in a rush (I’m currently working from home) to get myself organised.

Yesterday evening my son texted me again, all apologetic, stating that he would be staying at his girlfriend’s place overnight again as they still had some talking to do. I responded, saying that I need my car back today, and that he can go back to his girlfriend’s place under his own steam as I’ve been taken advantage of one too many times now.

I feel horrible about doing this, but I also feel strongly that I can’t keep making concessions for my son, just because of his illness. It’s affecting me too!

I feel like I’m running out of patience, and this in turn makes me feel stressed and angry that he doesn’t appear to be doing more to help himself.

Any wise words would be gratefully received.

Thank for for reading this far, and apologies for the long post!

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I'm getting a bit confused here :confused1:  Are you saying you're making concessions for him because you feel sorry for him having OCD?  His behaviour is typical of many young people who do take advantage of their parents but it isn't on really.  You've made a deal with him & he's not doing his bit.  At 25 he's not that young and should behave more responsibly, especially when he knew you had the appointment.  He could have lost you your slot and also wasted the time of professionals, wasted vaccines etc.  If it were my Son I'm afraid he'd have to learn that actions have consequences and there would be no more car shares in the next few weeks.  He's not playing fair.

It's tough having OCD but it doesn't stop you from basic consideration of normal things :(

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“Are you sayingyou're making concessions for him because you feel sorry for him having OCD?”

Yes, @Caramoole, that’s exactly what I’m saying. My husband and I (his brother less so) are constantly walking on eggshells trying to accommodate our son, hence the effect it’s having on us/me.

8 hours ago, Caramoole said:

It's tough having OCD but it doesn't stop you from basic consideration of normal things

It’s such a relief for me to read that! Perhaps I shouldn’t be feeling so conflicted about my patience wearing thin, after all.

Thank you for your response ?

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Hey @CocoChanel,

I think that you're obviously trying the best you can and you and your whole family seem to be incredibly supportive! You may feel cruel and unfair losing your patience, but I think making concessions for him just because you feel bad for him my be harmful in the long run. Ultimately he has to learn to live with OCD and not let it infringe on his life. If you keep letting him get away with things just because he has OCD, that is sending the message that the rules don't apply to him because he has an illness, which also means that he has less responsibility and agency (if you follow my reasoning here..). Sometimes tough love is necessary and enforcing the rules of your household and use of your car is important. Sure, he has OCD and this is hard, but you needed to get to your appointment on time, you have a job and have to stick to a work schedule etc etc.

At the end of the day, you do need to help your son, but you also have to take care of yourself, this is important too! So don't feel guilty, it's for everyone's good in the long run.

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Thank you so much @malina and @Caramoole

You're both right, of course. He’s finally returned home this evening, two days late, with a face like a wet weekend ? I’m not taking the bait. I told him he smelled sweaty and needed to shower (which my husband kindly backed up). Tomorrow I will task him with organising a GP appointment at which I plan to be present - subject to him agreeing to me being there to advocate for him.

If he’s going to drag us into his illness, then he needs to allow us to assist in his recovery. (Just for clarity, he does drag us into his illness by the very nature of him living with us and imposing his requirements on us - separate washing facilities, not participating in household activities, taking my car for days on end...)

I’m not immune to OCD, having suffered with it myself, off and on, throughout my life (though never to the extent that my son does). I realise that I need to look after myself as much as anything.

Your comments have really helped. Thank you ?

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Thank you @Caramoole

10 hours ago, Caramoole said:

He's young enough to get this under control with some proper help.

That’s good to hear. If only the wait for NHS services weren’t so long.

I’ve read the website with regard to getting appropriate support, so I know  he has some hard work ahead of him. I only hope he can commit to doing that work.

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