Massively obsessing over guilt

[hetty]

Hello everyone. I have OCD. A big problem of mine is obsessing over guilt, and obsessing over if I did something wrong.

 

A year ago a group of users made a 120+ page document of all the reasons they dislike another user. Basic points were: a) this user was rude to them sometimes b) it was a toxic online server c) user said some transphobic things 2 years ago d) user massively overreacts over situations and then Tweets that overreaction

For a year now, the people who made this document have been encouraging everyone else to not support her, not interact with her, don't let her come back without repercussions etc. People have been posting on social media horrible things about her. Typing her name into Twitter comes up with lots of things like 'I hate her' 'she's a piece of ****' 'she's a dirtbag' 'don't interact with her' 'if you follow her block me'. Also keeping tabs of other users who still interact with her. They accused her of stealing (from my view she clearly wasn't), and people have been making videos calling her a bad person. She broke job guidelines apparently so they went behind her back to tell her funding board and try to get her money taken away. They've been going into her online servers to report back on what's happening in there, and then making videos laughing at her when she realizes who's doing it. They took a private conversation where she said how upset and paranoid she was that she can't say anything to anybody because it'll be leaked on the Internet to criticize her for; they did just that, leaked it on the Internet, and then claimed this was her guilttripping them and playing the victim card.

Now, don't get me wrong, the woman they're targeting doesn't seem like a saint and she has certainly done stuff I disagree with. But she also has the ability to change and move on. It's been going on for a year and escalating. I caught somebody telling this woman's fans to die for supporting her.

I was open and honest in saying that this has gone way too far, and that this is dangerous now, and that the words you type on the Internet are not a game and could seriously hurt someone. I said that cyberbullying like this can end in suicide and that if it does, it's on everyone involved for not stopping, and that they need to take accountability for pushing someone to this point.

They said I was bullying them. That I was guilttripping them. That I was 'halting accountability'. That this isn't bullying, this is just the consequences of her actions. That I was transphobic for defending her. That I was suicide baiting them. Lots of likes and retweets agreeing with them.

That one really hurt and I can't shake the guilt off. I have PTSD from a suicide-related incident and would never want to suicide bait someone.

They also said 'she would never kill herself', 'someone who is suicidal doesn't do the stuff she does', 'you're running out of ideas to defend her', and heavily implied she was too happy to ever kill herself.

 

Ever since I have been knee-deep in guilt and obsessing over if I did something wrong. What if I DID suicide bait them? What if I was being abusive to THEM?

 

[snowbear]

Hi Hetty,

Welcome to the forum.

Setting aside, for a moment, how this has created OCD worries for you, I'm puzzled as to why you're engaging with this crowd of cyberbullies at all.

Whether it's to stand up to them or to talk about where you do agree with them they strike me as a very immature and spiteful bunch of people. It can feel hard to leave a group if you've been interacting with them for a while, but the healthy thing to do here is surely to simply walk away and delete everything to do with this off your social media? Go find a new group of people who are able to discuss whatever interests you have in a civilised way - there are always alternatives out there!

As for the guilty thoughts, I'm sure you know from reading other posts how ruminating on this is keeping the anxiety going. So you'll also know that the way forward is not to engage with such thoughts, allow them to come and go and shrug them off as unimportant.

[PolarBear]

I agree with snowy. Walk away. You can't win an argument with an idiot so don't try.

[hetty]

18 hours ago, snowbear said:

Hi Hetty,

Welcome to the forum.

Setting aside, for a moment, how this has created OCD worries for you, I'm puzzled as to why you're engaging with this crowd of cyberbullies at all.

Whether it's to stand up to them or to talk about where you do agree with them they strike me as a very immature and spiteful bunch of people. It can feel hard to leave a group if you've been interacting with them for a while, but the healthy thing to do here is surely to simply walk away and delete everything to do with this off your social media? Go find a new group of people who are able to discuss whatever interests you have in a civilised way - there are always alternatives out there!

As for the guilty thoughts, I'm sure you know from reading other posts how ruminating on this is keeping the anxiety going. So you'll also know that the way forward is not to engage with such thoughts, allow them to come and go and shrug them off as unimportant.

I like to help people. And I could see this all going horribly, dreadfully wrong. People just don't seem to have any understanding of what words they post on the Internet. I wanted to try and stop them from doing this and just...stop. To just stop.

I'm trying to cope and tell myself I didn't do anything wrong. Thank you.

[snowbear]

On 20/03/2021 at 16:17, hetty said:

I like to help people. And I could see this all going horribly, dreadfully wrong. People just don't seem to have any understanding of what words they post on the Internet. I wanted to try and stop them from doing this and just...stop. To just stop.

I hear you, honestly I do! But you have to remember it's not your responsibility to police everybody in the world. Sometimes the right thing to do is to walk away and leave these kind of people to squabble among themselves their own little group. They are only 1 small group after all, not significant in the bigger scheme of things. We all have to learn just to let some things go.

[hetty]

22 hours ago, snowbear said:

I hear you, honestly I do! But you have to remember it's not your responsibility to police everybody in the world. Sometimes the right thing to do is to walk away and leave these kind of people to squabble among themselves their own little group. They are only 1 small group after all, not significant in the bigger scheme of things. We all have to learn just to let some things go.

I'm trying to let it go, but it's difficult.

[hetty]

I'm still stuck on this  I'm obsessing. And I know that this is OCD but its so difficult.

I'm worried people will think I'm transphobic because I defended someone who has said some things I disagree with before. Things are like that online, it's like a 'you're either with us or against us' type thing. I feel bad for what I did and what I said. Logically I know I didn't do anythingw rong but emotionally I feel guilt.

 

I keep obsessing over

Did I suicide bait?

Was I being a bully?

Was I being manipulative?

Was I in the wrong?

 

I'm struggling with the urge to not seek reassurance because I know that will make it worse but I also need to get my thoughts and feelings out. I hate the fact that I let people upset me so easily. I hate the fact that I just believe any negative thing someone tells me. I feel so stupid. Especially when they said things like 'people dont just kill themselves at the drop of a hat', 'you're running out of ideas to defend her', I felt so stupid. I feel like I overreacted over everything.

Just struggling.