Am I a bad girlfriend?

[Cora]

Hi, 

Firstly, I apologise for posting about a non-OCD matter but I really am struggling with it and I thought that you guys are the only ones who can help me. 

Okay, so here it goes. For the past week or so I've been confessing to my boyfriend all the incidents and moments where I found someone attractive and talked to people because I found them attractive. He understands and says that there's nothing wrong with all this, and I agree, there's nothing wrong with finding someone attractive.

But there is something off regarding this. I feel like I find others attractive, especially men, almost all the time. It's like a constant thing. And, to add fuel to the fire, sometimes I feel like I want to catch their attention or them to look at me - which is even worse than noticing someone's physical characteristics. As I said, it happens all the time, nearly every day.

Today at work, a guy that I find attractive passed by behind me and I felt something really strong in my body. And I hate myself for that. To make myself feel better I labelled the feelings as intrusive but I still can't stop feeling guilty and ashamed. 

Even though I love my boyfriend and I would never want to lose him (sorry to be so dramatic), I feel like I am disrespecting him all the time. He doesn't deserve this and I know he can do better. 

I can't keep confessing to him. He is human too and has certain limits. And I don't have the courage to just talk to him about it, either, so that's why I'm here telling you this. 

What do you all think about this? Do you think I'm hurting my boyfriend by having such thoughts/feelings and behaviours? Please, be honest. 

I'll stop here. Thank you for reading and I hope it makes sense. 

 

[felix4]

1 minute ago, Cora said:

Firstly, I apologise for posting about a non-OCD matter but I really am struggling with it and I thought that you guys are the only ones who can help me. 

 

1 minute ago, Cora said:

What do you all think about this? Do you think I'm hurting my boyfriend by having such thoughts/feelings and behaviours? Please, be honest. 

Cora, it is an OCD matter, & you are seeking reassurance, which I for one am not going to give! 

 

[PolarBear]

Come on, Cora.

We were not put here to make you feel better. We are here to help you get well.

[MentalChecker]

I realise this could be taken as reassurance, however I also believe it's important to learn and understand how human bahaviour works, and further understand and be able to identify the OCD spiking for the wrong reasons and recognise its a 'fault' in our beliefs, sometimes due to our strict upbringing, before any progress can be made battling OCD. 

All I will say, is that natural human instincts and behaviour DO NOT stop when you are in a relationship with somebody. 

We are inherently designed to find mates and to reproduce, and this doesn't stop when we meet somebody and begin a relationship with them.

Therefore what you are experiencing is completely natural, however it's the hypersensitivity of your brain (caused by OCD) highlighting a natural feeling and then your mind/OCD replaying that feeling/event continuously over and over in your head and making that natural feeling you initially experienced into something that you then wrongly believe to be a significant issue with your morals, loyalty to your boyfriend, and character, when it's truly nothing more than a natural reaction to a sexual attraction to the opposite sex.

To summarise, your belief that sexual attraction to the opposite sex should end when you are in a relationship is wrong, and you need to learn how to reprogram your brain in a non-reassurance way to accept a new and correct way of thinking. 

[malina]

@Cora you say this is not OCD, but I think you're wrong. Look at what you are saying here:

8 hours ago, Cora said:

He understands and says that there's nothing wrong with all this, and I agree, there's nothing wrong with finding someone attractive.

But there is something off regarding this.

 

You recognise that finding someone attractive is normal and both you and your boyfriend agree it's not a bad thing. BUT in your case, it is somehow different (sound familiar?). In your case, it's bad, twisted and wrong. Everyone else in the world is allowed to feel a certain way, but when you feel it, it's wrong.

I am learning that OCD seeps into many parts of your life, sometimes it manifests through awful intrusive thoughts and urges. However, sometimes it attacks the more subtle things in our lives, normal behaviours.

I think that, in addition to overcoming OCD, you really need to learn to relax and stop taking everything so seriously. Yes, life is serious, there are real problems and real consequences. But it's really not as serious as you seem to take it.

You also need to learn some self love and acceptance. I guarantee that if someone else had written the post you just wrote, you wouldn't judge them as harshly as you are judging yourself. Even if you were doing something bad (and I'm not saying you are), it's okay to sometimes do bad things, especially when it just involves thinking and feeling things you shouldn't. Life is way too short and hard to obsess over every little thing, the trick is to learn to recognise the important things and let the rest go. 

[Cora]

Thank you so much everyone. @malina and @MentalChecker, your replies helped me understand the situation a bit better, thank you so much! 

As I said, the main reason why I'm so worried about all this is that I find people attractive all the time. And that bothers me. That's why I think that there's something wrong here. In my head, it's okay to find people attractive but not as often as I do. 

Edited March 21, 2021 by Cora

[malina]

19 minutes ago, Cora said:

Thank you so much everyone. @malina and @MentalChecker, your replies helped me understand the situation a bit better, thank you so much! 

As I said, the main reason why I'm so worried about all this is that I find people attractive all the time. And that bothers me. That's why I think that there's something wrong here. In my head, it's okay to find people attractive but not as often as I do. 

In your head, you are always going to find something wrong and bad about yourself. You may think that each new situation is unique and different, but there is an underlying pattern here. This is a real shame and you must learn how to change this. And this brings us back to getting treatment. So where are you with Crisis?

 

[Cora]

Thank you, @malina. 

4 minutes ago, malina said:

So where are you with Crisis?

I'm going to call them tomorrow. 

[malina]

4 minutes ago, Cora said:

Thank you, @malina. 

I'm going to call them tomorrow. 

Good! Keep chasing them until they offer you some real help!

[Caramoole]

1 hour ago, Cora said:

Thank you, @malina. 

I'm going to call them tomorrow. 

Good, this is what you need to be doing.  You need some good one to one CBT therapy to help you with this.  You will also have to look at all that's been explained to you here and understand that you will still have the major role in getting better & moving forward.  No therapist is a magician.  Attending therapy appointments or speaking with a therapist will not make you better.  I understand that some therapists are better than others but you have to be prepared to do the things they recommend. You've seen two therapists I believe, and on your own admission, haven't done any of the homework or tasks they've given you to do.  I appreciate how difficult and frightening this can be but unless you start to make those steps (despite) fear, you won't improve.

People here are very understanding, kind and helpful with their explanations.  Sometimes (particularly in the early days) it is very helpful to get a variety of examples, to be given different ways of looking at things but this has now slipped into an endless cycle of reassurance.  We can go on giving more and more explanations and find ourselves still here in another two years time.

It's time for action Cora.  Proper specialist help and your input.  The forum has become a crutch, somewhere you run to when a fear flares and you get it a very brief fix from reading the replies.  As we know, it's temporary and it hasn't helped you move forward.

Make sure you do some chasing up this week and start the climb out of this black hole.

[malina]

I have to admit that I've been feeling a bit guilty about your situation @Cora. I completely agree that this forum is a clutch and, while many of us respond to your regular confessions by urging you to treat it as OCD and get help, I think we are still indirectly giving you reassurance because we are reaffirming that this is yet another instance that should be treated as OCD, rather than a genuinely bad thing you have done. And like expected, this does provide you with reassurance for a few days but then you come back with a new thing.

I also agree that we are not here to make you feel better, but to instead get well. When I say this, I have no intention to be mean, or to say that you are a nuisance who makes people angry. What I mean is that we are not here to placate you and give you a temporary fix, but to help you find a way to overcome this disorder.

I don't want to contribute to your illness or to assist you in getting temporary relief, which keeps you stuck in the terrible place you're in. But I feel that this is now what is happening. So I'm very sorry about that.

So as a way forward, please call crisis. But like @Caramoole said, they won't be able to help you unless you are willing to put in the work to help yourself. Calling them is only the first step, but this is going to take a huge commitment from you.

[Cora]

Thank you, @Caramoole and @malina. I will definitely chase the crisis team.

Malina, I'm really sorry that you feel guilty because of me. I don't even know what to say really. You, and Caramoole, have helped me so much so please don't feel guilty. 

[malina]

16 minutes ago, Cora said:

Thank you, @Caramoole and @malina. I will definitely chase the crisis team.

Malina, I'm really sorry that you feel guilty because of me. I don't even know what to say really. You, and Caramoole, have helped me so much so please don't feel guilty. 

It's okay @Cora, please don't be sorry! It's just a tricky balance between wanting to help someone and, at some point, wondering if you're really helping or actually providing temporary relief, which is keeping that person stuck. I don't want you to stay stuck in this bad place and I certainly don't want to inadvertently contribute to that (even with the best of intentions)!

So that is why I really, really want you to get help!

I just wanted to say this to show you how seriously I'm taking your situation and why it's important to change your behaviours here. I realise that what I wrote may have sounded harsh (or dramatic), and I promise we are all good

Edited March 21, 2021 by malina

[Cora]

Thank you, @malina. 

[malina]

Have you called the crisis team yet @Cora?

[Cora]

15 minutes ago, malina said:

Have you called the crisis team yet @Cora?

Not yet, I was busy with assignments (well, kind of, it's hard for me to focus and not come on here all the time) and I've got an appointment with one of my lecturers in half an hour. But I will call them after that. 

[malina]

9 minutes ago, Cora said:

Not yet, I was busy with assignments (well, kind of, it's hard for me to focus and not come on here all the time) and I've got an appointment with one of my lecturers in half an hour. But I will call them after that. 

Sounds good...I hope it goes well!!

[Cora]

I'm sorry, I haven't called them. I know this is plain stupid but I've felt quite calm today and just felt like I didn't need/deserve to get help. 

[PolarBear]

Big mistake. 

[malina]

26 minutes ago, Cora said:

I'm sorry, I haven't called them. I know this is plain stupid but I've felt quite calm today and just felt like I didn't need/deserve to get help. 

Come on Cora, are you going to wait until things reach panic mode again before calling them? Do it now while you're having a good day, so that you can have support in place when you're having a bad day. It's not about deserving help, nobody is worthy or unworthy of help. You have a medical problem, you seek treatment. Would you say that a person's character determines whether they should have treatment for the flu, or diabetes or cancer or whatever? If not, then don't apply these standards to mental illnesses, because that is unfair.

[Caramoole]

1 hour ago, Cora said:

I'm sorry, I haven't called them. I know this is plain stupid but I've felt quite calm today and just felt like I didn't need/deserve to get help. 

Yes Cora, it is plain stupid!  If you won't take some responsibility for helping yourself it's difficult to find sympathy  Only you can put the effort into a) getting the help & b) Using that help & putting the effort into the therapy as directed.

We're primarily here to help people with their recovery and support them through the difficulties that may bring, also to provide education and advice about OCD and recovery.  The forum isn't intended to be used to aid compulsions and to seek constant reassurance......sure that will happen along the way but that's not why we're here.

I'm pleased you've had a better day today but give it a couple of days and you'll be back here giving details of another incident & confessing about it.

Why won't you take steps to help yourself?