Spouse will not implement treatment

[Tulip46]

My husband has a long history of OCD. When we met he was going through a mild phase. The last 2 years it has been severe. Initially I had been reassuring him then his mum explained why this was bad last spring. She taught me many techniques she had learnt from previous therapists regarding how to respond to him effectively and I started using them immediately.

Over the last 2 years, my husband has had telephone therapy, group therapy, private therapy, has read several books, watched numerous videos. His mum and I have used the techniques his therapists have provided over the years to help him control it. He knows every CBT tool there is to control this, but he keeps giving up.

He'll use a couple of the tools for a few days, then stop and let it all flood back in. If I mollycoddle him and give him loving encouragement, it doesn't last longer. If I take a tough love approach, it doesn't last longer. I have to continuously remind him of what he should be doing, sometimes with such frequency he starts getting angry and carries on with the compulsions anyway. There are so many tools he won't even bother trying now because he doesn't want to make the effort. If I remind him it helped ease a previous cycle for a while, he now won't try.

This is severely impacting his work, my mental health and work, and our relationship. He is making my anxiety, insomnia and depression worse. When I ask him to pause before doing a compulsion, or ask why is he doing it, he tells me to stop worrying and that I need to work on myself. My own mental health treatment is like firefighting, because I can make myself feel OK for a few hours or a couple of days until I see him in a mire of thoughts he won't try to control. I have broken down so many times and all I get is empty promises that he'll work on it.

He won't see a doctor about depression, which he is clearly displaying, but even if he did I doubt he'd bother doing the treatment, as he has ignored much of what I have suggested from my own depression treatment. He won't take meds because he did before and the other side effects overall made him feel worse. I can understand this as I was in a similar situation with anxiety meds years before I met him.

He uses anti-reassurance methods against me. He describes a thought out loud because he wants me to ask 'What kind of thought are you having? Is that your thought or the OCD's?'. If I ask it, he takes it as point-blank reassurance and doesn't try to breakdown and process the thought. I have had to ask him not to say any thoughts out loud now, because of this. But he keeps doing it anyway, and takes any questioning or negative response, again, as reassurance without actually processing 'what is this thought?'.

All this aside, our love for each other is very strong. We know we are each other's soulmate, and would be far more miserable without each other.

I miss the times we were happy, when the OCD was mild. Now I have no idea what to expect day-to-day. Each time we have a good day, the next day we pay for it because he is significantly worse after a good day. The relationship OCD aspect makes him think there is more to lose and his thoughts are worse. I feel unhappy most days, and when my husband has a good day, I am often too drained to be as fun company as I'd like to be.

What do you do when you love someone you don't want to leave, and you support them all you can, but they just won't commit to trying to get better? When you've opened up repeatedly about how it's impacting the relationship? When they have exhausted all sources of help and all that is left is for them to implement everything they have learnt but they won't, no matter how much you encourage and support them? It feels like we're living in an abyss, and I can't cope with it anymore. If I give up it will make him worse, and neither of us want a divorce. If I hope it will get better, I just get more upset, angry and frustrated the moment he gives into another compulsion without even trying to fight it. I can tell when he is trying and when he's not by his word usage and body language - this is why I know he's not trying, rather than trying and struggling. If he was trying and struggling, I would cope with it better.

I don't know how to live with this anymore. 

 

 

 

 

[CocoChanel]

Hello @Tulip46. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this situation. It really does sound exhausting

I’m afraid I don’t have any words of wisdom to offer in terms of how you can encourage your husband to commit to treatment. But I’m wondering whether he would be willing to undergo couples therapy with you? The situation must be putting your relationship under incredible strain. Do you think he’d be willing to approach Relate with you?

Wishing you strength.

[Handy]

It’s important not to enable your husband or you’ll get codependency & his OCD gets stronger.

Have you given thought to trying to find the cause of his OCD?  

[dksea]

@Tulip46 I am so sorry to hear about your struggles with your husbands behavior.  Mental illness doesn't just impact the person who has it but the people around them as well.  It sounds like you have become very well informed about OCD (how wonderful that his mother shared information with you from her own experience) and what is necessary to treat it.  In my opinion you are doing all the right things, so as frustrated as you must feel right now, from this OCD sufferer I want to say thank you, thank you so much for the kindness and patience you are showing.  I wish it could be your husband offering it to you because I don't think he knows just how lucky he is to have someone like you in his life.  A lot of people would not take the time and effort to do what you are doing.  Thank you for that on his behalf.

Unfortunately, whether or not to change their behavior and accept help is a decision your husband has to make.  I know you said that you don't want to walk away and that is laudable, but it may become necessary at some point if he is not willing to start doing the necessary work.  Hopefully it does not get to that point, however your own mental well being and happiness are just as important as his and its ok for you to stand up for yourself.  Thats not being selfish, its not being uncaring, its being a good person.  Before it gets to that point however here are some thoughts I had.

First, while your husband may not be willing to talk to a therapist at this time, maybe you can.  Caring for your own mental well being and having someone to talk to about your concerns and get professional advice might be worth exploring.  If possible someone who has experience dealing with relationships and also mental illness would be ideal, but it will depend on what is available in your area and what you are able to access.  

I'm not sure to what degree you are already doing this, but you might also consider setting some more strict boundaries for your husbands behavior around you, but also I think letting him know why you are doing so.  Not just because its impacting him, but because it is hurting you.  Perhaps if he is able to more clearly see the impact of what's happening on you it will eventually get through to him what the cost could be for his continued obstinance.

Another thing to consider is asking someone else to speak with your husband, a friend, another family member, someone who he also might listen to who could warn him that he is risking a lot for his future (such as you) by refusing to make changes.  Sometimes an outside voice can break through where a spouses can't.  They might be willing to say things more directly that you aren't/can't and willing to endure his anger since they don't have to live with him.  This would allow you to not be "the bad guy" in his mind and thus not face his emotional response, but he'd still be confronted with the truths he needs to be.

Finally, while I can appreciate both his and your reluctance to try medication again, I think it would be worth considering.  A bad experience on one medication does not necessarily translate to the same experience on another, and trying a different medication is a temporary commitment, something that he can always stop if it becomes more trouble than its worth.  Emphasize the potential positives for both of you.

I wish there was some magic answer or solution I could give that would solve all of this for you (and for all of us affected by OCD), but unfortunately I can't.  All I can offer is my advice and some positive words to thank you for all that you have and continue to do for someone you clearly love.  I sincerely hope you are able to find a way forward that is more positive for both of you.