POCD - Worried I'm just in denial or I am becoming one

[lunadidi]

I was diagnosed with OCD last year.

 

So yesterday I carried out a compulsion/EPR where I decided to watch changing diaper videos on Youtube. The main aim was to tell myself "see? you've Never been aroused by this kind of thing before so why would you now?"

Well it didn't go well...

I was looking at them and I got unwanted arousal. I felt my groin kind of tingle and swell up and this mainly happened when the woman touched the baby's thingy. I tried to make it stop but I couldn't and I kept thinking:

"oh my god, I'm aroused, what if I've been thinking about pedophilia too much over the past couple of months and now I've become a pedophile?"

or

"what if now I can only assossiate sex with children because I've watched these videos? SO now I will only become aroused with children? What of this is my own fault?"

or

"What if I never realised I'm a pedophile? I can't have children of my own now!"

I got so scared I started to cry and panic.

Am I a pedophile in denial? I'm really scared. Someone please help me.

[humbleno1]

12 minutes ago, lunadidi said:

I was diagnosed with OCD last year.

 

So yesterday I carried out a compulsion/EPR where I decided to watch changing diaper videos on Youtube. The main aim was to tell myself "see? you've Never been aroused by this kind of thing before so why would you now?"

Well it didn't go well...

I was looking at them and I got unwanted arousal. I felt my groin kind of tingle and swell up and this mainly happened when the woman touched the baby's thingy. I tried to make it stop but I couldn't and I kept thinking:

"oh my god, I'm aroused, what if I've been thinking about pedophilia too much over the past couple of months and now I've become a pedophile?"

or

"what if now I can only assossiate sex with children because I've watched these videos? SO now I will only become aroused with children? What of this is my own fault?"

or

"What if I never realised I'm a pedophile? I can't have children of my own now!"

I got so scared I started to cry and panic.

Am I a pedophile in denial? I'm really scared. Someone please help me.

 

Everyone can get an unwanted groinal response at any time. Stop testing yourself, no point, get off the merry go round. This an endless cycle of rumination, u have a faulty brain and wiring system, live ur life despite it and focus on what u want and things u want to do, or this will just destroy u, or at least rob u of many many years. Id try not to dwell on it lest u lose ur identity in ocd, ocd sucks, but its biggest trick is making u believe its relevant to ur life. it isnt.