Struggling to help my boyfriend

[Mae]

Hi all, 

Hope you’re all doing well and coping okay.

My boyfriend has been recently diagnosed with OCD after booking an appointment with his GP to discuss how he’s been feeling. He’s currently waiting to start therapy sometime in April. 

A little bit about us, we have been together for 5 years, met at university, I’m 24 and he’s 25. I am currently doing a postgraduate degree and due to finish in August. He works as a delivery driver and working on starting up his own business. We currently don’t live together, he lives on his own and I live with my parents but we’re not too far away from each. 

Our relationship has been struggling lately (before OCD diagnosis from GP), he hasn’t been putting that much effort in our relationship and I always felt like I was doing everything for him. Then when he did find out about his OCD and when we spoke about it, he explained that the reason why he hasn’t been putting effort in our relationship is because of his OCD. When I found out I wanted to constantly reassure him that I’m here to support him and if there was anything I can do to help. 

However, it’s been such a struggle for me though I know it’s also a struggle for him! Last night I have never felt so upset, I don’t think I’ve ever cried so hard the way I did before last night. Whenever we’re discussing something and when it comes to voicing our own opinions, he seems to always snap at me just because I don’t agree with his opinions or whenever I’m asking him to clarify what he’s said because maybe I interpreted it differently to how he meant it. It just feels like everything I do or say is wrong to him. It’s like I can’t even be my own person and voice my own opinions just because he’ll get upset. I don’t know if that’s selfish of me?

Like I know he’s my boyfriend but I’m not married to him. As much as I want to be there for him and support him, I also don’t want to feel this way. I have a degree and a career to pursue and focus on. I majored in psychology for my undergraduate and I’m studying sport and Exercise Psychology for my postgraduate, I’ve also been to therapy sessions and have done the work I needed to and continually do the work to be at peace with myself and heal myself. So it’s not like I don’t understand what he’s going through (I mean I know not completely) but I do have some knowledge and experience of what it’s like to not be mentally good. 

I want to be there for him, I want to support him through this and I don’t want him to feel isolated or alone. However, at the same time, I don’t also want to destroy my peace and my mental well-being. I’m struggling at university already due to the number of lockdowns we’ve had already. I’m so conflicted, I obviously don’t want our relationship to end because we’ve been through so much and have met each other families and got to know them. But I don’t want to feel alone and hurt in the presence of someone I love. I don’t know you guys, maybe I am being selfish. I’m just so confused and conflicted. He also said that I’m causing some of his compulsions because he’s worried that the flat is not clean enough for me or he didn’t get enough groceries for me. Because before I knew about his OCD we spoke about his lack of effort and that’s what I said, why does he never clean his flat when he knew I was coming over (just a little common courtesy, for me anyway) and it would be nice if I just came one day and lunch or dinner was ready, rather than me doing everything... 

I’m aware of how long this post has gotten but I clearly have a lot of feelings and have no one to talk to about this. Needed to let some stuff off my mind. 
 

Have a good day everyone! 

[CocoChanel]

Oh, Mae, this post makes me feel so sad for you.

You sound like an intelligent, motivated, and caring individual, who doesn’t deserve to feel so conflicted. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you, and as you quite rightly point out, you have your degree and career to focus on right now.

On 29/03/2021 at 12:28, Mae said:

It’s like I can’t even be my own person and voice my own opinions just because he’ll get upset. I don’t know if that’s selfish of me?

It’s not at all selfish. Not in the slightest. You and your mental and physical health must come first.

Hopefully, your boyfriend’s therapy will start soon and he’ll commit to putting in the work to get himself well again. But that is something only he can do. You can offer him encouragement, but you mustn’t risk getting sucked into his rituals and compulsions yourself.

I know first hand how difficult that is to do, but it is absolutely essential that your own health comes first. Try to establish some boundaries; don’t be afraid to let him know how this is all making you feel. He needs to know that it’s not all about him.

Good luck.

[YarnBall]

Hey Mae,

 

This is just a note to say that you are not alone and that I am really sorry to hear you're having a tough time.

 

I am in a very similar situation. My partner also gets angry at me when I don't understand what he says/misinterpret things and makes me feel like everything I do is wrong. I have a feeling this anger and frustration comes from feeling extremely anxious and out of control. Regardless of its cause, it's extremely difficult to take. On top of that, lockdown is extremely hard for both people with OCD and the partners of those people. With work/school and everything else, it's a big stress time.

 

I hope you find some peace or help with your situation. Don't be afraid to reach out to friends or family or to post here again.

Alex

[alla]

Hi. I am exactly the same situation, only that my relationship is only 7 months long (awful lockdown months, too), but I still feel it is worth fighting for (and I feel that you, ultimately, want to do the same, too). My boyfriend is rarely angry - he is, in fact, the opposite of that - he seems sometimes emotionally numb, and has issues being in the moment, being present, as his obsessive thoughts take over; I am grateful he opened up about all his OCD issues as we are a new couple so we still learn things about each other. He awaits to start therapy (not sure when, he is on a waiting list) but his OCD is probably severe, untreated for years and years. I try to be as supportive as I can, that is why I reached this resource, I read as much as I can about this condition, and, just like you, I try to mend myself in the process and to take care of myself in equal measure. I am exhausted, contradictory and sometimes depressed myself - but then I know this is worth fighting for. I just feel it is our chance. Hope you will manage to find resources to carry on, it seems it is crucial now that he starts therapy, for you to be there for him. It might even get worse before it will get better. I am prepared for that, at least. I just love him too much to give up now. Sending you good vibes and a friendly hug! 

[Mae]

On 30/03/2021 at 13:10, CocoChanel said:

Oh, Mae, this post makes me feel so sad for you.

You sound like an intelligent, motivated, and caring individual, who doesn’t deserve to feel so conflicted. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you, and as you quite rightly point out, you have your degree and career to focus on right now.

It’s not at all selfish. Not in the slightest. You and your mental and physical health must come first.

Hopefully, your boyfriend’s therapy will start soon and he’ll commit to putting in the work to get himself well again. But that is something only he can do. You can offer him encouragement, but you mustn’t risk getting sucked into his rituals and compulsions yourself.

I know first hand how difficult that is to do, but it is absolutely essential that your own health comes first. Try to establish some boundaries; don’t be afraid to let him know how this is all making you feel. He needs to know that it’s not all about him.

Good luck.

Hi Coco,

Thank you for your response! It really does mean a lot to know that others understand. I can definitely feel lonely and frustrating. 

It’s definitely going to be a process and I do still have a lot to learn in terms of how to navigate his OCD and how I can support him. 

Thank you once again  

[Mae]

On 05/04/2021 at 23:22, YarnBall said:

Hey Mae,

 

This is just a note to say that you are not alone and that I am really sorry to hear you're having a tough time.

 

I am in a very similar situation. My partner also gets angry at me when I don't understand what he says/misinterpret things and makes me feel like everything I do is wrong. I have a feeling this anger and frustration comes from feeling extremely anxious and out of control. Regardless of its cause, it's extremely difficult to take. On top of that, lockdown is extremely hard for both people with OCD and the partners of those people. With work/school and everything else, it's a big stress time.

 

I hope you find some peace or help with your situation. Don't be afraid to reach out to friends or family or to post here again.

Alex

Hi Alex,

Thank you for saying that, I really appreciate it! 

Exactly, it’s been quite difficult to figure out but I hope with time it gets better especially with therapy. 

I hope you’re okay and managing? This forum has definitely helped and seeing people’s messages and comments has been reassuring and just knowing that we’re not alone is comforting too. 

Same to you! Take care  

[Mae]

On 08/04/2021 at 01:24, alla said:

Hi. I am exactly the same situation, only that my relationship is only 7 months long (awful lockdown months, too), but I still feel it is worth fighting for (and I feel that you, ultimately, want to do the same, too). My boyfriend is rarely angry - he is, in fact, the opposite of that - he seems sometimes emotionally numb, and has issues being in the moment, being present, as his obsessive thoughts take over; I am grateful he opened up about all his OCD issues as we are a new couple so we still learn things about each other. He awaits to start therapy (not sure when, he is on a waiting list) but his OCD is probably severe, untreated for years and years. I try to be as supportive as I can, that is why I reached this resource, I read as much as I can about this condition, and, just like you, I try to mend myself in the process and to take care of myself in equal measure. I am exhausted, contradictory and sometimes depressed myself - but then I know this is worth fighting for. I just feel it is our chance. Hope you will manage to find resources to carry on, it seems it is crucial now that he starts therapy, for you to be there for him. It might even get worse before it will get better. I am prepared for that, at least. I just love him too much to give up now. Sending you good vibes and a friendly hug! 

Hi Alla,

Thank you for your response! 

I definitely do want to try and overcome this with my partner and of course support him through it. There are just moments when you feel frustrated. 

I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself in the process as well, it can be very draining! I hope your partner starts therapy soon too and exactly as you said sometimes it may get worse before it gets better. 

I wish you all the best and keep looking after yourself! 

[ClareJ]

Hi Mae, 

I can identify with a lot of what you have described. My partner of 10 years has OCD (has only really intensified in last 18 months since the loss of his mum) and am finding that it's definitely starting to have an impact on us as a couple. 

On 29/03/2021 at 12:28, Mae said:

. He also said that I’m causing some of his compulsions because he’s worried that the flat is not clean enough for me or he didn’t get enough groceries for me. Because before I knew about his OCD we spoke about his lack of effort and that’s what I said, why does he never clean his flat when he knew I was coming over (just a little common courtesy, for me anyway) and it would be nice if I just came one day and lunch or dinner was ready, rather than me doing everything... 

This really struck a chord with me. You are absolutely *not* causing his compulsions. If this is his phrasing, I think you should gently call him out on this if you can as it is placing the blame on you and entirely unfairly. My ex husband did this to me with his MH - it didn't help him (he deferred the correct treatment as thought divorce would solve things), it didn't help our marriage (evidently!) and it was very damaging to me personally. 

The thing that is causing his compulsions is OCD. It's no more your fault than his. 

I can really identify with this with my current partner as I feel like I inadvertently trigger his compulsions which I obviously don't want to do. But on the other hand, my experience feels like our home is booby trapped and am constantly on edge looking for the next possible tripwire. The key is honest communication - our feelings should matter too and you don't support your partner by martyring your own MH and wellbeing. 

It may well be that his OCD makes it harder for him to stay on top of things like housework and cracking on with cooking. My partner often says he worries I think he's lazy but also that I just don't understand how hard it is for him. But I'm starting to realise it is also perfectly possible to have poor MH AND be selfish /lazy. I do everything and he lets me - because he is quite happy with that situation! We've got ourselves stuck in a rut and def need to break the cycle. 

I agree with the advice to establish boundaries and talk honestly with him about the impact everything is having on you and your relationship. Agree on what changes you both can make for the sake of moving forward together. It's great he is waiting for therapy to start - I am still struggling to get my partner to sign up. Could it be worth suggesting relationship therapy as a couple? The suggestion alone may make him realise how upset you are feeling and the impact this is all having. A friend of ours also received treatment for ocd and said his motivation for going was the impact he could see that his ocd was having on his wife so I don't think you should feel you have to hide how you are feeling. 

As a last point, I found reading the book "Because we are bad" gave me an insight into how he was feeling. He then read it too and found it really relatable. 

Good luck and hope his therapy starts soon.