ROCD

[Cornerstone]

Hello, any advice or anyone who can relate would help me massively 

I have been with my partner for almost a year and we are deeply in love with one another. However for the most of our relationship I have been obsessed with her sexual past. At first I didn't care but there further we progressed the more it took over my life. I have played her "colourful" past over and over in my head countless times and it leads to me asking persistent questions regarding it. I have asked her the same sexual questions on her past, I suppose hoping for an answer that will give me permanent reassurance from it. There are various triggers but sometimes id ask out the blue; a question on her past. This then gives me anxiety and anger and leads to an arguement and me threatening to leave. I have put the blame on her consistently but untill recently I know its me but I couldnt understand why I was so obsessed of her past. Why cant I just let it go? I fully now beleive i have ocd or relationship ocd and have a telephone assessment to see if they can see me to help. Looking back in my life I have had this issue in small doses but untill now its horrendous its ruining our relationship and my mental health, I feel now I should just be alone, or meet someone with a "perfect" past but I know that's ridiculous. I'm concerned they will brush me off with it being something else but I am certain its OCD. Has anyone been through anything similar? 

 

[gingerbreadgirl]

hi cornerstone

I can't say for sure if this is ocd but I do know you need to get it sorted for your sake and your partner's. It isn't fair for you to shame and blame her for things which happened before you got together, regardless of the reasons why. Putting blame on her - getting angry and threatening to leave - when she's done nothing wrong is unfair and will take a toll on your relationship, not to mention her peace of mind in the relationship. 

You both deserve to get this sorted before this does any damage - when you have the telephone assessment just be honest. In the meantime I think it's important you resist the urge to go over this issue with her. Not saying it's easy but you will never get the relief you seek. 

Edited April 3, 2021 by gingerbreadgirl

[BigDave]

I’m not sure that this is OCD either but I will say this. She was honest and open and about her past sexual history and it’s down to you to decide whether it is something that you can deal with. She was open with you about it, she hasn’t hid it. If it’s something you have a problem with, and it is important you are honest with yourself, but if you can’t, then you probably should let her go and not punish her for it. At the end of the day, it’s her life and her body. And everyone has reasons for doing what they do. She can’t change anything now anyway. So it’s a matter of making a choice and moving forward. 

[gingerbreadgirl]

On 05/04/2021 at 16:12, BigDave said:

 if you can’t, then you probably should let her go and not punish her for it. At the end of the day, it’s her life and her body.

Agree with this 100%

[seb79]

Hi Cornerstone 

what you’ve explained is exactly what I went through with my partner only a few months back... it’s been with me for over two years... I couldn’t leave it alone....she couldn’t win with me the more she told me the more I got into a jealous rage.... numerous arguments all started because of me... the amount of time I packed my bags ready to leave her...I still feel ashamed of myself because of the way I was.... I’m surprised we’re still together after what I put her through

I got to the point we’re I knew I couldn’t keep doing this to her so I had to stop the questions... even now I get the thoughts and urges to ask but it won’t do me or her any good

all I can say is do your best not to ask and distract yourself when the thoughts come to mind 

my relationship is better now because I stopped.... I hope you can do the same... you have it in you

[Cornerstone]

On 08/04/2021 at 20:11, seb79 said:

Hi Cornerstone 

what you’ve explained is exactly what I went through with my partner only a few months back... it’s been with me for over two years... I couldn’t leave it alone....she couldn’t win with me the more she told me the more I got into a jealous rage.... numerous arguments all started because of me... the amount of time I packed my bags ready to leave her...I still feel ashamed of myself because of the way I was.... I’m surprised we’re still together after what I put her through

I got to the point we’re I knew I couldn’t keep doing this to her so I had to stop the questions... even now I get the thoughts and urges to ask but it won’t do me or her any good

all I can say is do your best not to ask and distract yourself when the thoughts come to mind 

my relationship is better now because I stopped.... I hope you can do the same... you have it in you

Thank you my friend. I only just looked back on this so my apologies for the delay in response.  Thankfully I sorted my self out and we are happy together and expecting our first child, I really appreciate your response because it honestly felt like a mental illness and if you don't go through it you'll never understand. It took alot of self reflection and there were some hiccups along the way and still a few on a rare occasion.  But I learnt how to deal with these thoughts and show my partner the values she shows me. 

 

Once again thank you for your advice and I I am glad you and your partner are on the right road to a happy relationship.