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OCD and in total denial


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My 27 year old son has developed OCD since COVID started he was not too bad when working but since January has been out of work and basically I’m in an OCD nightmare. He is constantly washing his hands 20-30 minutes at time not quite every hour but not so far of, uses one towel to dry and then throws it in the washing machine.  So much so at the weekend in one day a total of 20 towels were washed. The cupboard refilled and the following day another 11 were washed, most from the previous day. His hands are red, dry, cracking and sore yet still he thinks it’s not a problem with washing but the cold weather that has made his hands red, yet it has been warm and sunny. He is leaving cupboard doors open and if I close them the contents go in the wash, he is picking up one item at a time and if it touches the floor slightly or a wall you guessed it it goes in the wash. My washer, dryer and shower are constantly on and I am getting to the point where I want to shut the water off, I am being blamed for things going in the wash because I have touched it, he needs help but until he admits there is a problem that’s not going to happen. Any advice appreciated 

 

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Hi Lorralorra,

I'm sorry to hear your son is suffering so badly and to hear how much it is affecting you. One thing is for sure, the situation will likely get worse if you don't stand up to the OCD. I know! You're thinking it can't get worse, but the more we adhere to OCD's rules the more demanding those rules become. So the question becomes 'Where do you draw the boundary on what you'll accept and what you won't allow.'

Before doing anything drastic it's always helpful to have a conversation about the present situation first. Make it a two-way chat; give him a chance to say why he's doing it and what consequences he fears if he doesn't. Bite your tongue and listen, then you get your say about why things can't go on as they are and he has to listen while you propose what changes you (the family as a whole) are going to make.

You need to set some ground rules. He could be responsible for his own washing. Maybe allocate him a certain numbers of towels per day and once he's used up his quota he has to air dry his hands until he's washed his own towels again. If he puts all the cupboard contents in the wash at once he's responsible for getting them washed, ironed and back in the cupboard.

You'll probably also need to limit his access to the washing machine too (say one wash per day) so he doesn't take over the machine 24/7 and stop you getting on with sorting the regular family laundry.

Next, I recommend you get hold of a self-help book on OCD. The better you both understand it, the more chance you have of fighting it together. You don't want to end up on opposite sides with him trying to adhere to OCD's demands and you battling to get things more normalised.

You might find this  link useful for a book you can read, or this link to our most recent conference.

Once you understand for yourself how OCD works you can begin to chip away at his compulsions (ideally by getting him to agree they are unnecessary) and begin to tackle his reluctance to seek help.

If you have further questions just ask. :)

 

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Thank you for the advice, although I have tried to talk to him about it he says he does not have a problem.
He does do his own washing but unfortunately due to my job he has access to the washer and dryer 24/7 if I am at work all day he uses them then and does so when I am on nights.   He tends to put all the towels in one wash and do them all in one go. 
He does not think he has a problem, and therefore won’t discuss it, it’s not OCD, it’s the cold that has done it and running his hands under the shower for 20 mins makes it better I keep being told.  I have explained that keep putting his hands under the shower and drying them is taking all the oils out of his skin and that is what is leading to the dryness and redness and that this could have further implications such as the skin and could become cracked and broken and which in turn could make his hands more vulnerable to infections if not careful. I fully understand the issues with OCD and that there underlying causes for this particular problem/issue as I have many friends with it and know what they go through.  Trying to find out what the underlying cause is my issue as he says he is not worried or anxious about anything including Covid which I feel to be the trigger.  It is trying to get him to realise he has an issue that is causing him to ritually wash his hands. Once I can get him to do/realise that I feel that will make the conversation start to flow.  I have done some research also on the subject, to help further my knowledge in this area.  Would it be worth getting some information and leave it around for him to read and see if that helps him understand the disorder and what kind of things may trigger OCD to see if he can relate to any of it?

thank you.

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Hi Lorralorra,

Thanks for the extra information. If he's in that much denial then leaving things around for him to read might not work, but it doesn't hurt to try.

People can invent all kinds of implausible stories to cover up their OCD compulsions. We can even convince ourselves of the truth of them for a while. :blush: One way to uncover what the issues are about would be to prevent him washing his hands and see what he says! However, I'm not recommending that. But you could ask him what's the worst that could happen if he wasn't able to wash his hands for so long. 

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Difficult one :(

Do you have one of those little electric fan heaters in the house?  If (as he says but you/we know otherwise) having cold hands were the problem, warming them in front of that or on a hot water bottle would offer a viable option to warming his hands.  

I'm not really suggesting that you find a method to help him warm his hands, more to show that achieving warm hands isn't really the problem.......but (inline with Snowbear's comments) even with a plausible, alternative solution....he'd find it extremely difficult & distressing, even impossible if he stopped his compulsions

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