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Queen Bumblebee


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Hey, 

A random topic title, I know!!

I am currently looking for a property to rent. This is a big step for me as it is the first time that I am going to be living alone following a break up from my partner of 5 years. I have felt a lot of anxiety when viewing properties as I want things to be ‘just right’ but of course I know that life is not perfect!! 

I finally found a property today that I liked and I’ve sent my details to the landlord. However, during the viewing, I found a large, I’m presuming queen, bumblebee in the property and now I’m convinced that the place will be filled with bees if I was to move in. It’s  put a real dampener on me moving in to this property. I don’t know whether it is my OCD mind or my worry about a general infestation of bees that is affecting me.

Any advice as to what I can tell myself so that the finding of the bee doesn’t affect my ability to continue with the moving in process?

Thanks,

Sarah

Edited by SarahW
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You can tell yourself that living your life is more important than doing what OCD says!  
And you can tell yourself that seeing a bee is normal and it doesn’t mean you’ll have a problem and that it’s a good apartment. 
But more important than telling is doing. You saw a bee, that caused you some anxiety, that’s unpleasant. Move in anyway. Make as many choices as you can in defiance of what OCD tries to demand you do.  Sometimes OCD might win a battle but if you keep it up you’ll win the war. 

 

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I get massive bumblebees in my flat all the time, but they all come from outside, it just happens! Flat hunting is so unpredictable and every place has some problem. Whatever happens, know that you will find a way to deal with it. You'll never find a place that is perfect and you have to accept the uncertainty of now knowing exactly what to expect.

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Thanks @dksea and @malina for your replies. I did apply for the rented property but unfortunately missed out as the landlord opted for a couple to live in the property instead. The bumblebee situation all seems so silly now looking back. I’m genuinely gutted that I didn’t get the place and now compare all other properties to it.
 

The stress of getting things ‘just right’ is becoming so draining. I’m currently struggling with a new OCD problem. It’s true what they say that you focus on one problem until the next one presents itself - then you focus on the new one! I’ve been trying so hard to avoid doing certain rituals but I end up giving in and doing them anyway. Trying to convince myself that not doing a ritual is ok is exhausting and is constantly making me feel anxious, sick and unsettled. I just want to relax and enjoy life without the stress of completing and thinking about these rituals. I’m sure I sound like every other OCD sufferer! Distracting myself with work, property-hunting and socialising offer short-term distractions and then when I return home, I am faced with my insides nagging me to complete the ritual! Uhhh! Anyone have a magic wand to make this easier??!! 

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18 hours ago, SarahW said:

Thanks @dksea and @malina for your replies. I did apply for the rented property but unfortunately missed out as the landlord opted for a couple to live in the property instead. The bumblebee situation all seems so silly now looking back. I’m genuinely gutted that I didn’t get the place and now compare all other properties to it.
 

The stress of getting things ‘just right’ is becoming so draining. I’m currently struggling with a new OCD problem. It’s true what they say that you focus on one problem until the next one presents itself - then you focus on the new one! I’ve been trying so hard to avoid doing certain rituals but I end up giving in and doing them anyway. Trying to convince myself that not doing a ritual is ok is exhausting and is constantly making me feel anxious, sick and unsettled. I just want to relax and enjoy life without the stress of completing and thinking about these rituals. I’m sure I sound like every other OCD sufferer! Distracting myself with work, property-hunting and socialising offer short-term distractions and then when I return home, I am faced with my insides nagging me to complete the ritual! Uhhh! Anyone have a magic wand to make this easier??!! 

I wish I had a magic wand to make this easier, wouldn't that be wonderful?

I totally get how you feel. I am kind of the same, being alone with myself, without distractions is one of the hardest things. Are you getting therapy at the moment? I think that you know what you need to do (i.e. stop the rituals) but probably need some support and structure to help you achieve this goal.

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On 19/04/2021 at 00:35, SarahW said:

Thanks @dksea and @malina for your replies. I did apply for the rented property but unfortunately missed out as the landlord opted for a couple to live in the property instead. The bumblebee situation all seems so silly now looking back. I’m genuinely gutted that I didn’t get the place and now compare all other properties to it.
 

The stress of getting things ‘just right’ is becoming so draining. I’m currently struggling with a new OCD problem. It’s true what they say that you focus on one problem until the next one presents itself - then you focus on the new one! I’ve been trying so hard to avoid doing certain rituals but I end up giving in and doing them anyway. Trying to convince myself that not doing a ritual is ok is exhausting and is constantly making me feel anxious, sick and unsettled. I just want to relax and enjoy life without the stress of completing and thinking about these rituals. I’m sure I sound like every other OCD sufferer! Distracting myself with work, property-hunting and socialising offer short-term distractions and then when I return home, I am faced with my insides nagging me to complete the ritual! Uhhh! Anyone have a magic wand to make this easier??!! 

I'm glad you applied for the property, though sorry it didn't work out.  It can definitely be disappointing when an opportunity that seems like a great match doesn't work out.  And OCD doesn't make things easier with its demands for things being "just right".  Its good to remind yourself that there really is no situation that is going to be perfect.  Your dream job is probably going to have bad days.  The love of your life is going to have annoying habits too.  That new gadget or gizmo you really look forward to is going to have imperfections.  We live in a messy, imperfect world, but that doesn't mean we can't enjoy it!

A number of years back I had a very interesting reminder of this.  I first moved to Japan as part of a program to help teach English in schools here.  The Japanese government recruits (mostly young) people from various English speaking countries to come teach here for 1-5 years.  Its a really wonderful opportunity and I'm glad I took it.  Anyway, during the application process you can put down your preferences for where you'd like to go.  Not surprisingly the majority of participants list the major cities here, Tokyo, Osaka, Kyoto, etc. as top choices.  And, also unsurprisingly the vast majority of people are placed...everywhere else :D including some very rural, semi-remote (as remote as things can be in a country the size of Japan) locations.  Well during my second year with the program I helped conduct a survey of program participants.  Among the many questions we asked was and "how satisfied are you with your location".  Despite the vast majority (like low single digit percent) getting placed in a location they had requested the overwhelming majority were ultimately happy with their placement.  And I could vouch for this personally.  I hadn't even heard of the prefecture (let alone the town) where I ended up, but even though I've since moved on it remains one of my favorite places I've ever lived, and some of the best years of my life.  So even though it wasn't my ideal, and even though it had some imperfections and things did not always go smoothly, overall it was an extremely positive experience because I was able to embrace the opportunity, inspire of not being "perfect".  The people who were most unhappy, the ones who didn't last long in the program, were largely the ones who focused on what they didn't get, how their reality didn't match their expectations, etc.

Of course OCD makes that harder, its not as simple as "always look on the bright side of life" or anything, good lord I wish it were!  But attitude and approach DO matter and DO make a difference.  A key part of recovery is learning to embrace imperfection, uncertainty, etc. as just a normal part of life.  I encourage you to try as best as you can (and I know it won't always be possible) to focus on the good aspects of the properties you continue to look at.  As much as you want the other property its gone, and thats not going to change.  While a little wistfulness is normal, try not to let it overwhelm the future.  You do have some control over this and the more you practice it, the easier it gets, and the less control OCD has.

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13 hours ago, dksea said:

The people who were most unhappy, the ones who didn't last long in the program, were largely the ones who focused on what they didn't get, how their reality didn't match their expectations, etc.

That's true of every aspect of life. :yes:

13 hours ago, dksea said:

A key part of recovery is learning to embrace imperfection, uncertainty, etc. as just a normal part of life.  I encourage you to try as best as you can (and I know it won't always be possible) to focus on the good aspects of the properties you continue to look at.  As much as you want the other property its gone, and thats not going to change.  While a little wistfulness is normal, try not to let it overwhelm the future.  You do have some control over this and the more you practice it, the easier it gets, and the less control OCD has.

Excellently put. :)

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'SarahW' pleaded: "Uhhh! Anyone have a magic wand to make this easier??!!"

Sorry, Gandalf nicked mine, or was it Dumbledore? Actually, maybe I do have some kind of wand. It's late now as I drafted the below more than a week ago, but didn't get round to signing and posting it. Here's what I was proposing: a specific form of reassurance based on some actual, actual facts about bumblebee behaviour. It's too late for the flat, but what I'm interested in is whether this actual-fact-wand would have made a difference to you. Read the following and let me know, should you have the inclination!

So, I've been lurking on this forum for some time until I joined on 10 April. During this time, I've seen many posts calling for people not to reassure. I think that there seems to be some confusion about reassurance and challenges regarding OCD, and I'd like to try something out to maybe help. I believe that sometimes the right kind of 'reassurance' can make a difference. If I understand it correctly, I think this is in fact the basis of cognitive-behavioural therapy.

If the issue it very factual, some research can show that the OCD is making a false alarm. I have found (in my case) that the OCD quells quite quickly if I find a convincing answer.

If the issue is vague, hypothetical, even metaphysical (basically untestable), reassurance will always fail. This kind of reassurance should not be bothered with.

I'm in no way a therapist, so caveat emptor! Here goes for my attempt at reassurance:

Bumblebees live underground. They make their nests in burrows. In the spring, a queen comes up to look for a new burrow, usually an abandoned one made by a rat, for example. Bumblebees collect pollen and nectar from outdoor flowers. They are very good navigators, and rarely get lost. Bumblebees inside properties are merely trapped, as they can't find the way out. I checked some of this on Wikipedia. You can do the same for yourself.

Last week, a big bumblebee was buzzing around my stable I live in, but I couldn't capture it because there's very little walkway inside the stable. After some time, it's buzzing disappeared, and I believe it was dissatisfied with that environment and left: no fresh flowers, no food. I knew it would not nest in my stable.

End of reassurance.

Did this work for you?

If it did not, then my reassurance is useless. In that case I shan't repeat it. Then, what 'PolarBear' often says is right: reassurance won't work, and you'll have to drop the matter and move on. Follow the Bear!

I'd like to know if that reassurance worked or not, though. Please do tell me if you so wish.


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