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So lockdown has eased which I was secretly dreading. My 18 year old is at the pub with his friends and my 16 year old daughter is at a garden party for a friend's birthday. Both drinking. I am home with hubby and our youngest. I am trying to resist the compulsions of texting them and checking on them but have given in a few times already. I cannot relax when they are out. I cannot watch anything on TV and concentrate on it or go out with my own friends, I have piles of ironing but I cannot motivate myself to do it.  I count the hours until they are back home and safe and sound. I have years ahead of this and I won't lie sometimes I hope I die young so I am spared all the worry in the future, isn't that awful and selfish of me?. I saw a funeral hirst today and got very emotional thinking of my parents and that one day I will have to say goodbye to them and I know I won't cope. I feel like the future is scary and has inevitable sadness and I just do not know how i will ever get through it. I come across to most people as a confident and happy person but I am full of so much worry..i worryabout my children's health constantly too, when they are in the car with my husband I worry they will have a car crash, i don't want them to take driving lessons either. I have never met anyone quite the same as me. It's horrid 

Edited by MarieJo
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2 hours ago, MarieJo said:

sometimes I hope I die young so I am spared all the worry in the future, isn't that awful and selfish of me?

No, MarieJo.

It made me feel concerned to see you wishing this for yourself.  It made me think "my goodness - she cares SO much for her children".

What it DIDN'T make me think was "how selfish!" - now give yourself a break. OCD's horrendous enough without you beating yourself up over it.

Edited by FranticS
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There are certainly other people like you. I've met some.

What have you done about getting help? I would think a combination of CBT and relaxation techniques or mindfulness would be beneficial. And maybe meds to lower your overall anxiety.

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Thanks for the responses. I did try CBT but didn't find it terribly helpful. I also went in sertraline in November when i asked for help as I was at breaking point. I feel much bettervrhan I did then but I just seem to struggle with things others deal with easily. I am do scared of losing my loved ones, particularly my kids and I am not sure how I will ever be able to deal with this fear and live a normal life.

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45 minutes ago, MarieJo said:

 I did try CBT but didn't find it terribly helpful. 

I just seem to struggle with things others deal with easily.

I am scared of losing my loved ones, particularly my kids and I am not sure how I will ever be able to deal with this fear and live a normal life.

Hi MarieJo,

There are a number of reasons CBT might not have helped, but the commonest one is people don't fully grasp what it's about first time round.

Everybody struggles to deal with something. Whatever it is you find hard, chances are it's hard because of the way you interpret the situation. Changing your viewpoint can make things easier to deal with, and this is part of what we learn through CBT - accepting there are many ways to view any particular situation and then choosing to look at things differently.

You will have some hidden beliefs behind your fears, such as 'if something happened then...' and it is repetitively having these kind of thoughts which make the fear seem real and keep it alive.

You need to begin to challenge these thoughts and seek out an alternative way of looking at things. It's beyond the scope of the forum to go into much detail, but a CBT therapist could take you through the process. What about giving CBT another try? :)

 

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Hi MarieJo,

I could almost have written your post myself as I can identify with so much of it. I too struggled with the fear of losing my parents, and as my two children grew up I had the self same issues. I think anyone who genuinely loves their family would feel exactly the same if they let themselves think about it I.e ruminate. 

My parents are now both in their late 80's so I am fortunate to have had them in my life for such a long time, yet in my head I have buried them over and over again for 30 years,  torturing myself with the thoughts of their passing. Similarly when my son reached drinking age and started going out, I would lie awake thinking on the 'what ifs' until I heard him come home - usually in the early hours and even then I still wouldn't sleep for fear of him having had too much to drink and being ill in his sleep. Then when he went away to university I was even worse! 

Around that time I was diagnosed with GAD and referred for cbt, and this has really helped. It has not been easy, and I can still fall down the rabbit hole occasionally but mostly I refuse to engage with the thoughts. My biggest regret is letting these thoughts have such a hold over me for so many years. 

Please don't give up on CBT. Unfortunately as others have said quality of therapy can vary. I have seen various counsellors and therapists over the years, however it was 9 sessions on the NHS through IAPT which helped to set me on the right road. My son was diagnosed with OCD around 18 months ago, we sought private therapy for him as there was such a long wait through the NHS. Again CBT has really helped him, and we have both benefited from reading some of the books recommended by OCDUK.

I still worry about the wellbeing and safety of my loved ones, but it no longer controls my life. 

Wishing you the best on your own journey...you can get there! X

 

 

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Thank you so much Snowbear and Concernedmum. It really helps knowing I am not alone with my fears and it also gives me hope that things improved for you concernedmum.  Maybe I will ask to go back on the NHS waiting list for CBT. My therapist was not a native English speaker and I struggled a bit with understanding her, maybe that impacted on my therapy and how useful I found it. I can relate to you saying you have already buried your parents over and over again. I have done the same. I just wish I could enjoy the present day more and stop living with fear of tomorrow. I have stopped my son doing so much in the past as I find it too hard to cope and I know that's unfair so I feel guilt too x 

Edited by MarieJo
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My gp agreed it does sound like I have OCD but maybe I have GAD as well. I only worry about my loved ones though never myself. I have suffered with this intense worry since I was a child. I worried about losing my parents and used to look out the window or feel sick until they were in. Now most of my fear has shifted to my kids. I have also suffered with harm OCD and intrusive thoughts that I would harm them but mostly when they were younger. I convinced myself when i was a teenager that I was evil. I used to get intrusive thoughts in church too. As a catholic the fear of hell terrified me but I accept now I am a good person.

This forum has helped me understand OCD much better and I understand myself better and what needs to change but I just feel I cannot ever feel normal and live without fear. I also check things when I am out, I check my purse and credit cards and keys about 30 times. It's exhausting. However, the fear of losing my children or other close family members is what I really cannot deal with as it's so consuming and terrifying and ruins my happiness.

Edited by MarieJo
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Hi Marie Jo

Yours is a very common fear, not least because it's a fear that most people have at some level but not at an obsessive level.  

As you will know from the forums, carrying out compulsions underpins OCD and worsens it.  Perhaps you could make a start on those other things, those compulsions you've mentioned above, your checking compulsions. You could use one of the Self-Help books to help you address this.

As regards your children, perhaps you could work with your partner/parent/good friend to think about what things are reasonable and what are not.......because there are things that are reasonable and things that are not.....like talking about drinking, knowing (within reason) where they're going, who they're going out with, when they expect to be home (roughly), dropping you a text if they stay out.  They are things that most parents expect, dependent on age.......most/many will worry but not at a level where it seriously impacts on their health and well-being.

Go back to your GP and ask to be referred back for some more CBT, in the meantime start having a look at those other compulsions and see if you can start to work out a plan of action that you can start trying to work on :)

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  • 1 month later...
On 16/04/2021 at 19:22, MarieJo said:

 I saw a funeral hirst today and got very emotional thinking of my parents and that one day I will have to say goodbye to them and I know I won't cope. I feel like the future is scary and has inevitable sadness and I just do not know how i will ever get through it. I come across to most people as a confident and happy person but I am full of so much worry..

Sounds exactly like me!

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