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feeling horrible and guilty


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Hi. I don’t know if people even read posts on here anymore, so I might post this to the main ocd topic page. Sorry if this is a little long. Anyway, a little bit about me, I’ve had ocd ever since I was a little kid and that recently developed into pocd. It’s gotten so bad that I feel like giving up sometimes. Not that long ago something happened and I feel horrible about it and I don’t know to let it go or not.

I was watching a celebrity interview when suddenly a thought about a commercial they were in when they were young popped in my head. I hadn’t seen the commercial in a year or so so I had forgotten their age in it. I thought they were 16-17. I remember thinking they were attractive in it and then for some reason I felt arousal. I thought that it was fine at first because I thought they were 16-17 in it (I’m 16 btw) and then I panicked because I was like “but what if they weren’t?!” And I immediately looked up the commercial and their age. They were 15 in it.

To make matters worse I do this thing whenever I have intrusive thoughts or experiences and I try to justify it and understand why it happened, like come up with a conclusion to move on sort of thing. But it never helps, I don’t understand why I still do it. And I had a thought that was like “Well they were 15 so it’s fine to feel arousal.” And I keep trying to logic it out and I keep trying to talk myself out if it being bad and what not but I don’t know why I do it, because it is bad. I’m going to be 17 very very soon like later this month, so it would be wrong because I’m almost 17, right?!!? I feel so horrible about all of this, I keep continuously trying to talk myself out of it being bad but it is and I don’t know why I keep doing it. I feel so guilty and horrible.  I don’t know how to let this go.. I feel so disgusting. 

I can’t stop obsessing about this.. I just hope I’m not a bad person..

Edited by ocdruinseverything
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Hi, 

It was similar fears to yours that resulted in my son being diagnosed with OCD. We believe he has suffered with this (in different guises) for a number of years,  but we all knew little about the condition, and just thought he was 'a bit of a worrier'.

Have you accessed any therapy? As others more knowledgeable than I will tell you, the thoughts themselves are not the problem, it's the interpretation you put on them, and you are currently doing numerous compulsions that don't ease your anxiety, they only keep the obsessions going. That's where CBT can help. 

I can also recommend the Break Free From OCD book. Therapy and learning more about OCD has really helped my son. It is not easy but you CAN change the way you react to these thoughts and let them go. Please seek help, you don't have to suffer like this. 

 

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On 18/04/2021 at 04:04, ConcernedMum said:

Hi, 

It was similar fears to yours that resulted in my son being diagnosed with OCD. We believe he has suffered with this (in different guises) for a number of years,  but we all knew little about the condition, and just thought he was 'a bit of a worrier'.

Have you accessed any therapy? As others more knowledgeable than I will tell you, the thoughts themselves are not the problem, it's the interpretation you put on them, and you are currently doing numerous compulsions that don't ease your anxiety, they only keep the obsessions going. That's where CBT can help. 

I can also recommend the Break Free From OCD book. Therapy and learning more about OCD has really helped my son. It is not easy but you CAN change the way you react to these thoughts and let them go. Please seek help, you don't have to suffer like this. 

 

Yeah, I’ve always grown up thinking that I was overly worried about the littlest things until later I found out it was ocd. My family always passed it off as nothing, so I assumed that I was fine. I’m sorry to hear that your son has suffered for years, I can understand what that’s like. No one deserves to suffer.

I have gotten therapy but unfortunately I had to stop because my therapist was so rude to me and didn’t take me seriously because I’m so young. My family's situation isn’t the best at the moment so I can’t receive therapy, which is really hard on me, but sometime soon I’ll get the therapy I need.

As far as my interpretation on thoughts it’s very true, I will have regular non ocd thoughts and I will interpret it as something bad. I’ve heard a lot of people talk about CBT, I don’t know much about it but I am willing to try anything because I don’t like that my mind doesn’t feel like mine anymore..

I will definitely check out that book, thank-you so much for your recommendation. I tried to talk to my old therapist about ocd and they weren’t helpful at all, I’ve had to google a lot of stuff on my own time. I’ve gotten away from it and when I used to do it I did feel a little better knowing what was going on. I will continue to do my research so I can learn. I’m looking forward to the day I’m able to get therapy and feel ok again. Thank-you so much for your kind and very helpful response, I appreciate it. 

Edited by ocdruinseverything
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