Having a really bad day today, please help!

[lonelygirl91]

Today is just awful. My mood is so low. I have a new boyfriend and I'm really happy, but also scared of getting hurt. Today, my mind keeps saying what if you're a lesbian or bi. I've been mentally testing scenarios, could I kiss a girl and be naked with one. I'm even grimacing as I write this. Whenever I mentally test these thoughts, I grimace and I feel so anxious. Sometimes when I mentally test these thoughts it seems like I could really desire it but other times I'm like yuck, no way! So I test these thoughts more just to be sure and that's when it starts getting complicated. Does OCD play mind tricks on you like this especially when mentally testing and making it seem that you'd want to do something that you don't. I got so anxious when testing these thoughts. I started hyperventilating really badly for a few seconds and felt dizzy. It sounds like it could be a panic attack but I'm scared, what if it was an orgasm? Whenever I try to mentally test, it's like my mind doesn't want to go there and I have to focus so hard to conjure up these scenarios. I wouldn't call them fantasies as they cause me anxiety and waste my time. 

I made out with my boyfriend on Saturday and it was really good. I got really turned and wanted to go further (have sex) but he said no because I said previously that I didn't want to rush into having sex and he wanted to respect that. I like the idea of being naked with him. However, I keep thinking about guys that I've kissed in the past that I haven't been attracted to. Why did I kiss them if I wasn't attracted to them? I'm definitely attracted to my boyfriend. I've slept with guys in the past when drunk who I didn't fancy sober, but these encounters didn't mean anything and I was too drunk to really remember them properly. Same with guys I've kissed who I didn't like. I think to myself, because I've had sex with guys I don't really fancy and have kissed them, will it mean that sex and kissing with my boyfriend will be meaningless. 

I'm really happy with my boyfriend, but scared of getting hurt. I spoke to my mum about my OCD and she made me feel better. One of my mum's best friends is a lesbian and my mum said that her friend told her that men repulse her. She was married to a man (because being gay wasn't acceptable when she was growing up) and she said that she hated sex with her husband. I definitely don't feel that way about men. I look forward to having sex with my boyfriend. I keep thinking to myself if I was into women, I'd be with them. I'm a liberal person with a liberal, loving and accepting family and I live in London which is very LGBT friendly. I'm all for LGBT rights but I don't want to be with a woman. I keep thinking what if I really am into women? There's nothing holding me back from being with one, but I don't want to. If I had really wanted to, I would have been with a woman by now! I've had gay/bi OCD for 10/11 years! I'm 29 btw.

[Bev53]

Hi Lonelygirl,

1 hour ago, lonelygirl91 said:

I've been mentally testing scenarios, could I kiss a girl and be naked with one. I'm even grimacing as I write this. Whenever I mentally test these thoughts, I grimace and I feel so anxious. Sometimes when I mentally test these thoughts it seems like I could really desire it but other times I'm like yuck, no way! So I test these thoughts more just to be sure and that's when it starts getting complicated.

Sorry to hear you are struggling. The testing is a compulsion, and as you've discovered it only brings more anxiety. 

1 hour ago, lonelygirl91 said:

One of my mum's best friends is a lesbian and my mum said that her friend told her that men repulse her. She was married to a man (because being gay wasn't acceptable when she was growing up) and she said that she hated sex with her husband.

Another compulsion, reassurance, which although made you feel better initially,  didn't work.

You're also ruminating, trying to 'solve' the issue one way or another, again another compulsion.

It's all of these that keep the anxiety going.  I know it's hard but you need to just let the thoughts be and avoid these compulsions, even try a 'so what' approach. Are you having any CBT currently? 

 

 

[lonelygirl91]

I keep mentally testing scenarios in with head with a woman. I'm exhausted and so drained. When I get the response that I was (digust), I feel happy but when I get the response that I don't want (feeling like I could "desire" and "want" to be with a woman, I feel depressed and anxious. Even when I get the desired response (disgust), I keep on testing just to check that I don't really desire women but it just throws me further than the whole. It's like my mind doesn't want to go there and I have to force my mind to focus and conjure up these scenes with a woman. Is this normal of OCD to play mind games and try to convince you that you're into something that you're not and you could desire something that you don't want. 

[malina]

Hey @lonelygirl91,

what you're doing is a really big compulsion, testing. As a therapist once told me, this is one test that you will always fail. You fail because the desired response (disgust) isn't enough, you have to try again to make sure it's going to be the same. Then the next time, you get the undesired response and this is very common in OCD. I think you need to work towards reducing these behaviours because they are keeping the OCD going strong.

[PolarBear]

You really need to stop doing this. Doing that compulsion will only cause you misery.

[lonelygirl91]

2 hours ago, malina said:

Hey @lonelygirl91,

what you're doing is a really big compulsion, testing. As a therapist once told me, this is one test that you will always fail. You fail because the desired response (disgust) isn't enough, you have to try again to make sure it's going to be the same. Then the next time, you get the undesired response and this is very common in OCD. I think you need to work towards reducing these behaviours because they are keeping the OCD going strong.

That's very true. Thank you for your reply Malina. I also have a lot of anxiety because I'm in a new relationship and really scared that it will go wrong or that my boyfriend will change his mind about me and decided that he doesn't want me. I think stress and worry increases my OCD. I've had bad relationship experience so scared that this relationship will be over before I know it.

[lonelygirl91]

19 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

You really need to stop doing this. Doing that compulsion will only cause you misery.

I know. It's true.

[malina]

On 20/04/2021 at 22:40, lonelygirl91 said:

That's very true. Thank you for your reply Malina. I also have a lot of anxiety because I'm in a new relationship and really scared that it will go wrong or that my boyfriend will change his mind about me and decided that he doesn't want me. I think stress and worry increases my OCD. I've had bad relationship experience so scared that this relationship will be over before I know it.

Well, there are risks in every relationship. Believe in yourself, even if things don't go well, you will survive and move on. But while they are going well, don't think about them going wrong, just enjoy what you have.