Sick and Tired

[Nikki79]

Hello guys! I’m here this morning to ask for your assistance please. I seem to have got myself into an OCD blip at the moment and really need to get myself out of it. At every turn there is either a dream/thought worry to upset me or else I just have a general worry that there is stuff for me to feel bad about regarding my theme. You know I’ve done tons of therapy, I’m on medication and I’m really fighting hard to have a ‘normal’ life. In fact I started work this year after two years off to mind my child full time. So why am I like this now? It seems I have everything going well compared to some people who sadly or not as lucky as I am. Can anyone direct me on what I should do and how I can enjoy my life and move on from this dreadfully debilitating disorder that has plagued me for well over twenty years. If I don’t get a grip on this I’m seriously worried about the outcome. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read my post today, God bless you X

[Gemma@OCDUK]

Hi Nikki,

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a tough time at the moment. It's hard to know why OCD gets worse, sometimes additional life stress can worsen symptoms, sometimes it is unexplained, the most important thing is that you have recognised that you want to do something about it, which is great

You mentioned that you've had therapy many times, was this CBT and was it with different therapists? We do know that some people with OCD see two or three therapists before they find one with the right approach or expertise to really help them challenge and overcome the OCD. 

Gemma

[Nikki79]

1 hour ago, Gemma@OCDUK said:

Hi Nikki,

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a tough time at the moment. It's hard to know why OCD gets worse, sometimes additional life stress can worsen symptoms, sometimes it is unexplained, the most important thing is that you have recognised that you want to do something about it, which is great

You mentioned that you've had therapy many times, was this CBT and was it with different therapists? We do know that some people with OCD see two or three therapists before they find one with the right approach or expertise to really help them challenge and overcome the OCD. 

Gemma

Hi Gemma,

I’ve seen quite a few therapists and had varying degrees of success but unfortunately none of the therapy has kept me out of the ocd ‘woods’ for too long. Like I’m literally shaking now today from a recurrent thought going through my head all day, that I can’t seem to get away from. My mood has dropped now too as a result of this recent ocd onslaught. The worst thing about it for me is that it involves my child. Of course it does as she is the most precious person to me. It’s devastating, I don’t want her missing out on Mummy over this either. Like the theme all goes back to have I done anything to my daughter and of course that gets me wanting to try and remember anything related to that or worries or fears I had in the two years of her life. It’s so awful that this is happening. I’m so sad about it and a bit hopeless to tell you the truth. X 

[Gemma@OCDUK]

Hi Nikki,

If you've had therapy many times, then it's natural to feel a little hopeless right now, but just because CBT hasn't kept OCD away for long, doesn't mean that you won't have a therapy experience that really makes a difference in the future. There are specialist services in the England (if that is where you are) that might be able to help if therapy locally hasn't been long lasting. I would be happy to tell you about them if that would be helpful, or if you have any specific questions you can email us at support@ocduk.org

Gemma

[Nikki79]

Hi Gemma I live in Ireland so unfortunately don’t have many services here for OCD. I’ve always tried so hard to get help for myself but it never works for long. I’m feeling incredibly burdened with it and getting through the day has become a struggle.

[Nikki79]

The anxiety I’m drained with today is driving me nuts, I’ve been shaking and I’m a nervous wreck. I feel like I’m going to go out of my mind. 

[Nikki79]

I feel I have so much going on in my head with worry about the thoughts I’ve got that I’m running on high adrenalin and at the same time feel utterly depressed and frustrated I’m not doing better with this. I want to desperately turn this around and not worry I am guilty of anything. 

[Caramoole]

Nikki....you came back to the forum a while ago describing how you'd enjoyed a lengthy stint where you were free of OCD more or less, so we know that it's possible & that you're capable of applying the CBT techniques You also know that your therapist wasn't in the slightest bit concerned about the thoughts/fears you have....no-one's come to lock you up or investigate.

OCD is an anxiety condition, it's not like a specific illness that gets a treatment and is then gone.  If you find yourself in a stressful period where anxiety rises we can often find those doubts arise again.  This is where the CBT comes in, it's a skill for life to use when the situation occurs, not just whilst we're receiving therapy.

Chances are this has cropped up perhaps when you started thinking about going back to work.  The thoughts reappear......"What if I can't do it?  What if I started feeling like I did before? I've been out of work so long I might not cope"   You can fill in the many other thoughts you've had.  Suddenly the anxiety creeps up, you start casting your mind back to the thoughts you had before and before you know it you're dragged back in to the whole rumination/compulsion cycle.  As I said the other day, learning to recognise when this is happening is a very important part of moving forward in the future.  Nothing's gone wrong with your brain.  It isn't that CBT doesn't work....it's generally that you've slipped back into old patterns.  Try and think about those things you're doing that are compulsions.  Look at the catastrophic thinking, at the OMG's, at the wishing it away etc etc etc.  You CAN turn this back around if you think back to your therapy and start to apply those techniques again.

[Nikki79]

33 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Nikki....you came back to the forum a while ago describing how you'd enjoyed a lengthy stint where you were free of OCD more or less, so we know that it's possible & that you're capable of applying the CBT techniques You also know that your therapist wasn't in the slightest bit concerned about the thoughts/fears you have....no-one's come to lock you up or investigate.

OCD is an anxiety condition, it's not like a specific illness that gets a treatment and is then gone.  If you find yourself in a stressful period where anxiety rises we can often find those doubts arise again.  This is where the CBT comes in, it's a skill for life to use when the situation occurs, not just whilst we're receiving therapy.

Chances are this has cropped up perhaps when you started thinking about going back to work.  The thoughts reappear......"What if I can't do it?  What if I started feeling like I did before? I've been out of work so long I might not cope"   You can fill in the many other thoughts you've had.  Suddenly the anxiety creeps up, you start casting your mind back to the thoughts you had before and before you know it you're dragged back in to the whole rumination/compulsion cycle.  As I said the other day, learning to recognise when this is happening is a very important part of moving forward in the future.  Nothing's gone wrong with your brain.  It isn't that CBT doesn't work....it's generally that you've slipped back into old patterns.  Try and think about those things you're doing that are compulsions.  Look at the catastrophic thinking, at the OMG's, at the wishing it away etc etc etc.  You CAN turn this back around if you think back to your therapy and start to apply those techniques again.

Thank you Caramoole. I needed to hear your wise words . I was thought a technique to do when intrusive thoughts come in but Caramoole sometimes the thought is sneaky and I don’t get it quick enough or it’s a feeling and also feels like I’m believing now that I’m guilty of something. So there are two things happening right now for me, one that those persistent thoughts telling me I am guilty of harm and two I try to think back to any bad incidences of where I worried I did something after and remember those thoughts with more detail and also the images are familiar and I feel something may have happened but at the same time I cannot understand why I would be so blasé to do that ( well the image in my head). It doesn’t make sense.

[Caramoole]

It makes perfect sense.  That's how OCD and anxiety work!

It is sneaky but that's where you have to start being rigorous with yourself and work hard to stop engaging with it drifting off into rumination.  It is you who are "thinking" the "what if" thoughts, it's you who are going over them......so it stands to reason, it's you who can stop that rumination.  I know it's not easy but armed with the knowledge of what you're doing, you can begin to change it.  So come on Nikki, be your own sentry & watch for the moment your brain starts to drift off into working out mode and pull it back, then do it again.  You can do it

[Nikki79]

1 hour ago, Caramoole said:

It makes perfect sense.  That's how OCD and anxiety work!

It is sneaky but that's where you have to start being rigorous with yourself and work hard to stop engaging with it drifting off into rumination.  It is you who are "thinking" the "what if" thoughts, it's you who are going over them......so it stands to reason, it's you who can stop that rumination.  I know it's not easy but armed with the knowledge of what you're doing, you can begin to change it.  So come on Nikki, be your own sentry & watch for the moment your brain starts to drift off into working out mode and pull it back, then do it again.  You can do it

It’s so cruel tho isn’t it? I mean so much of me respects all of you who help me, each and everyone and every professional who has told me what to do and still I’m not trusting that they are telling me the right, I’m always thinking I’ve something to feel guilty for, you know what I mean?

[Caramoole]

We can't just keep telling you though Nikki.  You ha e to do like we all ultimately doi and take that risk for your sake and your families.  Don't wait until it "feels right" or you'll wait forever

[Nikki79]

7 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

We can't just keep telling you though Nikki.  You ha e to do like we all ultimately doi and take that risk for your sake and your families.  Don't wait until it "feels right" or you'll wait forever

I want to be better Caramoole and taking a leap of faith now is worth it. After all I can’t trust my own brain when it’s like this. 

[Caramoole]

[Nikki79]

I feel a bit better today Caramoole. 

[Caramoole]

Good to hear Nikki.  Long may it continue

[Lollipop]

1 hour ago, Nikki79 said:

I feel a bit better today Caramoole. 

This is good Nikki. 

I don't really have much to add but one thing that has helped me (might be an ACT principle?) is "lead with values" so how can you get on with your life and what's important right now? Unfortunately I think that might mean taking OCD and anxiety along for the ride. Keep going you're doing great

[Nikki79]

17 minutes ago, Lollipop said:

This is good Nikki. 

I don't really have much to add but one thing that has helped me (might be an ACT principle?) is "lead with values" so how can you get on with your life and what's important right now? Unfortunately I think that might mean taking OCD and anxiety along for the ride. Keep going you're doing great

Oh thank you Lollipop. That’s really good. So you mean just allowing it to be there and not doing anything?

[BigDave]

5 hours ago, Nikki79 said:

Oh thank you Lollipop. That’s really good. So you mean just allowing it to be there and not doing anything?

That’s the best way to deal with it in my books. Do not engage! And run free!

[Nikki79]

1 hour ago, BigDave said:

That’s the best way to deal with it in my books. Do not engage! And run free!

I’ve been doing this pretty well most of the day. I hope your day was like that too Big Dave x