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Husband OCD and affection


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Hi 

My husband has suffered with ocd as long as I’ve known him. He was always affectionate towards me. Holding hands siting next to me etc. He was receiving CBT before our wedding last year and he was a different person. He even opened the door for himself. 
COVID ruined his life and is OCD has now turned him against me. First lockdown he wouldn’t leave the house. We had to wipe all the food or anything that came into the house whilst we are in our underwear because everything was dirty. I tried to speak to him about it and he got irate saying I tried to make him change but his worries were real because of the pandemic. 
we’ve been married over a year. He doesn’t kiss me hug me hold my hand nothing. I’m not allowed in the kitchen when he is. I’m not allowed to cook at the same time as him because I’m dirty. He doesn’t use the bin anymore or even the remote control and because I used them I’m dirty. His hands and wrists are red raw. If we are intimate he will have a shower as soon as we’ve finished. 
I love him. But I didn’t realise how much I need affection. I’ve tried to raise the issue with him but he just snaps at me. 

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Hi Daizie,

I'm really sorry to hear how badly you and your husband are suffering. It does put a huge strain on things when a partner can't be spontaneously affectionate any more. 

Yousay he's had CBT before your wedding, so perhaps you could try to talk to him about that. Ask him what he learned from it and suggest he tries to apply that to the present situation.

It's been easier this past year for people with OCD to blame their compulsions on covid and claim it's neccessary or reasonable which has been a problem in itself as it's allowed OCD to worsen. Could you talk to him about how things are now getting back to normal from a covid perspective as a way in to talking about 'things getting back to normal' in regard to his OCD?

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This must be incredibly difficult for him, and for you :( The pandemic has caused "normal" people to become worried and afraid about contracting the virus and taking many steps to keep safe.  As time has gone by, many of them have been found to be unecessary, like washing shopping and such like.

OCD makes many sufferers make unreasonable demands of partners, an example in your case being made to walk around in your underwear.  This is similar to those (in non Covid times) expecting family members to take clothes off at the door and then take a shower.  This is colluding with and enabling your Husbands compulsions.  I would sympathise with him, understand what's driving his fear but refuse to go along with such requests.  In the long term, this isn't going to help with his OCD and because of that, neither will it help resolve his issues with intimacy between you.

I know things aren't straight forward right now regarding GP appointments but it is worth having a chat with him about how much this is affecting both your lives and how help is worth seeking.  I'd also recommend buying one of the good OCD self-help books like Break Free From OCD or Pulling The Trigger.

Simply going along with his compulsions won't help either of you, except in the very short term.  I know it must be very tough to try & challenge him about something that causes him such distress.  It's so sad that this situation is causing so many problems so early on in your life together......going along with him may seem the easiest, least problematic option.  Long term, it isn't.  Try & be loving, understanding, kind but firm.  There is a way through this :hug:

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