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Stopped therapy, now worried I should go back


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I did a few months of therapy since January. I did do exposures, but I also "half-assed" it at times. Overall, I would say I definitely improved.

Eventually, it got to the point where we were just saying the same things every session so I decided it made sense to take a break.

I thought, and he said, that ultimately it was down to me to do the work, anyway. 

He agreed with me that it made sense to take a break, and I stopped.

 

However, now I'm trying to do exposures on my own and one is particularly troubling me. 

Should I go back? I'm worried I can't handle it on my own.

One thing I do is wait for sessions to do exposures - that kind of insulates me from some anxiety.

I wrote him this: "I feel like I need to be in therapy in order to start a certain thing, but I guess that's basically reassurance. Sort of an attempt to not feel as much anxiety from the exposure."

He responded: "Exactly. You need to blow up that logic by starting things ASAP regardless of the circumstances, intrusive thoughts or anxiety."

 

I thought it made sense to at least give myself a week or two to habituate to this difficult exposure. And if I'm not feeling less anxious about it, I'll go back to him and work through it with him.

The fear, though, is that because I didn't do the exposure in therapy, the anxiety will never go down because if I had started it in therapy the thing wouldn't be as "contaminated."

Which means, in a way, waiting to start the exposure in therapy is a compulsion. Does that make sense?

 

I guess posting this at all is a compulsion.

 

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So, I should at least give it a shot on my own? I mean. I guess waiting for him to do it with me in the hope that I don't feel as anxious about doing it is a pretty clear compulsion.

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Hey Ryukil,

I think one of your biggest problems is that you don't believe in yourself. You come to ask other people if you have made the right decision, you think that you need the therapist to do exposures, you are not confident in your own choices.

I think that if you could just have some faith in yourself, you'd go such a long way in getting better. I feel like making your own decisions in an exposure in itself, because you need to learn to deal with the uncertainty about whether you have made the right decision or not.

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I tried to set up an appointment for next week, to which he replied: 

"You don't need a session. Make the account and deal with the fallout. I'm around next week if needed."

 

I made the account like 30 minutes ago. I thought of God and farted while doing it, so pretty sure he's offended, and the only way to show I'm contrite is too delete the account. Ah well. I'm going to keep it now, and try to make it a couple days.  My goal is to make it to like May 3rd (week from Monday) before considering going back to therapy, if the anxiety doesn't lessen.

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