Hello! Any Advice?

[RockyRoad]

Hello! 

I’m a long term lurker of the forum (I find it very helpful when I’m confused/concerned/have questions about OCD), but I’ve never posted. 

I really do apologise if this is a bit self-indulgent. I flit from being absolutely OK to really not OK, and I’m completely fed up of it. I have two wonderful children and I feel like I’m cheating them by being miserable about something that I (hope) I can improve.

I haven’t ever been diagnosed with OCD but I have tried seeking treatment (sort of). When I was pregnant with my second child, I was doing a mental health questionnaire/having a general conversation with a nurse at a check-up and she asked me if I would describe myself as an anxious person. I said I would do, not really thinking much of it, and she said that it was worth registering with my local authority’s mental health service. I was a little taken aback, but I began to realise that the ‘huge’ issues I’ve historically spent days/weeks/months/years agonising over might indicate OCD. It’s almost like I get hung up on something - it can really be anything, but when it appears it really, really persists. I spent about 8 months convinced I was going to go to prison for denting someone’s car (even though I had spoken to the owner of the other car and he assured me it was all fine), but my thought process degenerated from ‘oh, I hit a car’, to ‘I’m going to lose my driving licence, what if I’m accidentally not insured/made a mistake on my application and I have to pay myself, what if I can’t pay, what if they take my home, what if my family end up homeless trying to pay and I have to go to prison because I can’t afford it’. I sought constant reassurance with constant obscure questions from people I trust, Googled obsessively, drove around at 5am to make sure the car I hit was still on the road and generally wound myself (and everyone else) up. 

I eventually got over it by reminding myself that my mind wasn’t being helpful when it started to try and pick holes in the issue, and that went away. Of the handful of things that I’ve obsessed about, it’s the only one I’ve managed to shake completely. It’s the easiest to explain, and the other things that bother me follow the same pattern: something happened (or may have happened/may happen) and I catastrophise the outcomes; my mind finds flaws in all my logic, makes ridiculous assumptions and I spent hours just thinking myself in circles. It always ends up with me losing my family/going to prison. I’m snappy and miserable and when it’s happening.

My first question, I suppose, is whether it sounds like OCD? I can convince myself that it is and isn’t, depending on the day. I tried to speak to my local mental health service after the nurse suggested I should, but it was ultimately fruitless. Partly my fault, partly theirs. I am considering making another appointment and trying again though.

I have noticed that it’s got worse with each good thing that happens in my life. After I got married it got worse, then after I had each of my children, when I’ve been promoted. It’s almost like when something good happens and I should be elated, my mind decides that I shouldn’t be/don’t deserve to be happy and dredges up all my old obsessions. My second question is whether or not this is a common feature? Does OCD actively seek to stop you from being happy?

It might be good to add that it’s not a constant thing. I’m not constantly miserable. But when I can’t shake an obsession (despite trying my hardest, as soon as I recognise I’m trapped in that pattern again), I really am very unhappy/worried/anxious. 

 

I am extremely fortunate to have a loving family and excellent support network, and I feel like, especially with the world as it is at the moment, I’m almost being a fraud by not being happy. 

[PolarBear]

It is most definitely OCD. To a T.

OCD doesn't actively do anything. It's a condition. It doesn't care if you are happy or sad.

For some reason, in the midst of happiness, you gravitate toward an obsession, rather than hanging on to the good. 

Have you looked into CBT?

[RockyRoad]

Hi PolarBear,

Thanks for your reply - I really appreciate it. In a way, it’s very reassuring to hear/read someone confirm my suspicions re OCD.

I actually watched your video about rumination and that really helped - for the obsession I mentioned before, it became easy (through practice) to accept the thought, assign it no value and continue with what I was doing beforehand. I haven’t managed that with the other hang-ups I have, mostly because they’re a bit more subtle, if that makes any sense? They sort of appear as part of what I do for work/other aspects of my life, so it takes me a while to register them. It’s only when I realise the thought processes/Googling/etc I’ve put myself through is making me miserable that I register that it’s not OK. By then it’s too late though - I have to work extremely hard to get myself out of the loop and, honestly, it’s utterly exhausting. 

I actually do have another question (sorry!) in this vein - is it helpful or harmful to talk about my obsessions to others? I don’t want to seek reassurance (which I almost can’t help but doing it I talk about them), but equally I don’t want to hide from them. In my first post, I nearly wrote each and every one in minute detail but I wasn’t sure if that was going to be remotely beneficial. I find that a very fine line to tread, if I’m honest…
 

I have to admit that I don’t know much about CBT. I do know from reading this forum that it’s really key to recovery so I’m very interested in pursuing it. Is it something I need professional guidance for (as in, do I need to call my doctor again?) or is it something I can learn about from books/online resources? I’m not remotely afraid to put in the work either way - I just want to make sure I’m approaching it correctly/as efficiently as possible.

[anthracite8]

Hey RockyRoad,

Thank you for having the courage to post on these forums, this sounds like the beginning of your recovery journey. With what you are describing, it is really difficult to give you a proper diagnosis, it is difficult to say if it's generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) or ocd, as rumination and reassurance seeking are hallmarks for both disorders. A mental health professional should assess you properly, the nuances between these two diagnosis are subtle. I do think you should get some professional help. GAD and OCD treatments are very similar (both are treated with antidepressants and variations of CBT).

Depending on where you are located, you might be able to self-refer to a CBT therapist, or might need to go through your GP.

If you are interested in a medication (SSRI, SNRI, etc.) you should consult your GP.

There are many amazing books for auto-therapy:

This is an amazing, clear, concise, therapy book for OCD:

https://www.amazon.ca/Overcoming-Unwanted-Intrusive-Thoughts-Frightening/dp/1626254346/ref=sr_1_14?dchild=1&keywords=ocd&qid=1619920852&sr=8-14

 

Additional infos: it is very common for OCD and GAD to flare up during pregnancy.

[BelAnna]

 to the forum!

Your OCD sounds very typical of OCD- you have the obsession (e.g. what if I go to prison for x, y, z) and associated catastrophising and then the compulsions (checking cars, googling, seeking reassurance). The ruminative thinking is also typical of OCD. 

You are not a fraud for feeling sad/stressed/anxious; having a mental illness is as good as reason as any to feel upset and anyone who believed they might lose loved ones or end up in prison would feel upset- luckily we know that OCD is just making things up but our emotions just haven't quite caught up with that knowledge yet!

It would be a good idea to look for a CBT therapist or ask your GP for a referral to one. 

[RockyRoad]

Hello!

 

I’m kicking myself as I have given into a compulsion, even though I knew exactly what I was doing, and now I’m struggling to get myself out of the downward spiral. 

Thanks for the responses. I feel considerably less alone in all of this when I see what folks have taken the time to respond - it’s really very much appreciated.

I haven’t really heard of/looked into GAD, but I will. I am reluctant to take medication if it can be avoided, but if it’s the best course of action then I will. I would ideally like to try CBT as, given what I’ve read here/elsewhere, it seems to be the most effective treatment. I have reregistered with my local IAPT’s service, so hopefully I’ll get somewhere this time.

Does anyone have any recommended resources regarding CBT? I understand that there’s a (long) waitlist, and I’d like to move forward as soon as possible really.

Another point that I would like a little advice on is that I seem to struggle with OCD when PMS hits. Is this common? It may sound odd, but I often find that I’m really cognisant of how anxious/depressed I am when I’m also experiencing PMS. This seems to make my resolve weaker, and it’s far, far easier for me to fall into the traps associated with rumination, obsessing, etc. I don’t know if I’m using this as an excuse, but I suppose it doesn’t really matter? Whether it is or isn’t related to my hormones going berserk, the course of action I should take is the same? I should add that I’m having/have had a lot of blood tests/scans/etc to try and work out what’s going on with respect to PMS, as the physical symptoms are fairly severe. Without going into detail (to save all of our blushes!), I don’t think they are a result of OCD. They do make me very tired though - that doesn’t help.