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1 step forward 2 steps back... Now I dont know who I am


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Hello,

I havent been here for a while and felt I was getting somewhere with my so called ocd until today with counsellor. 

Basically im now questioning who I am and if I have actually done what my mind is telling me that I have. Im not going to go into detail about that as ive mentioned it many times before in previous threads. Im trying to write this before my partner finds out. Ive been told be my therapist to avoid coming here along with my partner as they feel im using this site as reassurance. Personally this is partly true but I just need to explaine what happened today. 

Here goes

So we were discussing the feeling that ive had for nearly 2 years and she said "you can probably see/ imaging yourself doing this horrible thing" i said no as there is no memory of actually doing it just the a feeling/thought i have done something wrong but with no detials. I said to her i dont want to imagine it and have avoided imaging me doing this thing as im afraid i will latch onto to it and believe it. Like I said, I got this horrible feeling of doubt and fear but without any memory or details. So basically I dont want to make it up/imagine/visualis in my head just incase i belive that its true. This is a positive for me as having no detials of doing what my mind is telling that ive done is helps me, i dont want to ruin this by imaging it. I hope this makes sense. 

So this is where it has gone sour for me. I said to her i can imagine/visualise anything. It could be me flying lile superman, me and a plane that is about to crash, me walking through walls... Anything at all i can visualise it. So when I say anything i mean anything whether good, taboo or plain right wrong.  She on the other hand couldnt at all and this is where im starting to panic. 

I ask her to imagine/visualise doing something so wrong and she just couldnt. I gave her a real bad scenario but she just couldn't. 

Im going straight to the point and im sorry if this upsets anyone but i give her an example of me making up a visualisation in my head of me getting a gun and shooting someone. Its a horrible thing to think I know but I just made it up in my head. I would never on this earth do something or have ever thought of sometime like that but ita easy for me to visualise my self doing something wrong. She couldnt and looked at me which I felt was with concern. Its all in my imagination and is just fairy dust but becuase I can put myself in these visualisations I feel there is something wrong with me. I dont even know if im in the right place here writing this. 

I was mind blown when she said she couldn't imagine/visualise even though its all pie in the sky and in your head she just couldn't. So why can I? Am i bad person because i can imagine these things even though id never do such thing. 

Whats wrong with me then? Can anyone relate to what im saying? Am I different just because I can imagine/visualise me doing something so wrong or taboo even though in reality I would never ever do such thing. 

I need to stress the above point that id never do what I can make up in my head. I dont want people taking this the wrong way but I just feel i was doing so well until today. 

I hope this makes sense. 

Any feedback would be much appreciated 

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4 hours ago, Chris2020 said:

I was mind blown when she said she couldn't imagine/visualise even though its all pie in the sky and in your head she just couldn't. So why can I? Am i bad person because i can imagine these things even though id never do such thing. 

Whats wrong with me then? Can anyone relate to what im saying? Am I different just because I can imagine/visualise me doing something so wrong or taboo even though in reality I would never ever do such thing. 

Some people simply lack imagination and creativity. Nothing is wrong with you. You're blessed with a good imagination is all. :)  People with good imagination tend to be more empathic than those without, so it can be seen as a good thing. It comes down to how you view it.

The problem here is you've interpreted having the imaginary scenarios as meaning you're a bad person. 

You need to develop self-trust. Trust yourself that although you're capable of imagining absolutely anything, your moral compass will steer you clear of actually acting on anything wrong.

Then enjoy flying like Superman, casting spells like a witch, or whatever fantasy takes your fancy. Why not take up creative writing? All good writers have brilliant imaginations where nothing is off limits and nothing is beyond their powers of imagination. :)

 

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Thank you Snowbear. 

I did think as much but because she just couldn't I thought it must only be me who can imagine anything. Seems thats not the case. I shall move on from this ?

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17 hours ago, Chris2020 said:

Hello,

I havent been here for a while and felt I was getting somewhere with my so called ocd until today with counsellor. 

Basically im now questioning who I am and if I have actually done what my mind is telling me that I have. Im not going to go into detail about that as ive mentioned it many times before in previous threads. Im trying to write this before my partner finds out. Ive been told be my therapist to avoid coming here along with my partner as they feel im using this site as reassurance. Personally this is partly true but I just need to explaine what happened today. 

Here goes

So we were discussing the feeling that ive had for nearly 2 years and she said "you can probably see/ imaging yourself doing this horrible thing" i said no as there is no memory of actually doing it just the a feeling/thought i have done something wrong but with no detials. I said to her i dont want to imagine it and have avoided imaging me doing this thing as im afraid i will latch onto to it and believe it. Like I said, I got this horrible feeling of doubt and fear but without any memory or details. So basically I dont want to make it up/imagine/visualis in my head just incase i belive that its true. This is a positive for me as having no detials of doing what my mind is telling that ive done is helps me, i dont want to ruin this by imaging it. I hope this makes sense. 

So this is where it has gone sour for me. I said to her i can imagine/visualise anything. It could be me flying lile superman, me and a plane that is about to crash, me walking through walls... Anything at all i can visualise it. So when I say anything i mean anything whether good, taboo or plain right wrong.  She on the other hand couldnt at all and this is where im starting to panic. 

I ask her to imagine/visualise doing something so wrong and she just couldnt. I gave her a real bad scenario but she just couldn't. 

Im going straight to the point and im sorry if this upsets anyone but i give her an example of me making up a visualisation in my head of me getting a gun and shooting someone. Its a horrible thing to think I know but I just made it up in my head. I would never on this earth do something or have ever thought of sometime like that but ita easy for me to visualise my self doing something wrong. She couldnt and looked at me which I felt was with concern. Its all in my imagination and is just fairy dust but becuase I can put myself in these visualisations I feel there is something wrong with me. I dont even know if im in the right place here writing this. 

I was mind blown when she said she couldn't imagine/visualise even though its all pie in the sky and in your head she just couldn't. So why can I? Am i bad person because i can imagine these things even though id never do such thing. 

Whats wrong with me then? Can anyone relate to what im saying? Am I different just because I can imagine/visualise me doing something so wrong or taboo even though in reality I would never ever do such thing. 

I need to stress the above point that id never do what I can make up in my head. I dont want people taking this the wrong way but I just feel i was doing so well until today. 

I hope this makes sense. 

Any feedback would be much appreciated 

Wow, that's exceptionally unusual that your counsellor cannot even imagine holding a gun. I wonder whether she has that trait as part of an Autistic Spectrum Disorder (which can affect your ability to imagine things, although affects everyone differently) as the vast majority of people  can definitely imagine a whole range of difficult, made-up situations (how else could crime drama writers write their dramas?!). 

The thing you describe about not wanting to imagine a made-up situation IN CASE it's true or in case you come to believe it's true is called 'Thought Action Fusion' and it's very common in OCD. People without OCD can have thoughts about picking up a knife and stabbing someone but they then think 'well that was an upsetting thought' and then move on from it; people with OCD sometimes imagine the same thing but then think 'what if I did that in the past/I must have done that in the past' or 'oh no, that means I will do that in the future'.

It might be worthwhile pointing this out to your therapist (or ideally finding another CBT therapist who specialises in treating OCD) and also explaining that a lot of people who do not have OCD have unwanted intrusive thoughts (some of them 'violent' or 'taboo' in nature) but that because of your OCD you have 'Thought Action Fusion', which makes you believe the thoughts are true. 

So in summary- there's nothing wrong with you for being able to imagine anything (that's completely normal!) but you are definitely suffering with OCD 'Thought Action Fusion'.

 

 

Edited by BelAnna
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Hi! I believe the hyper vigilance caused by your ocd has caused you to read too much into her words. I think you need to sit with the anxiety caused by your brain cherry picking confirmations of your fears and let yourself experience this anxiety to its full extent, so I will not offer you reassurance as I know this won't be helpful.

Cristo

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